Chapter 39
Remi
I’ve never prayed for battle’s song,
Yet blood blooms on my skin;
I’ll smile through the breaking bones,
And wake the god within.
There was a knock at the door, which I ignored. I didn’t think Amir would knock, but then again, he was disgustingly polite sometimes.
This time, I didn’t want him to come after me. I didn’t want him to fight for me. I wanted to lie in this bed and wallow.
“Pity party of one?” Roman asked from the other side of the door. It opened a second later, and he came in without asking.
“I want to be alone.”
“Tough luck, man.” He stood a few feet away and looked around, as if he didn’t basically live in this house. “I used to stay in here.”
“Why?”
“Long story. It was before Travis and I were together.”
“Cool.”
He went around to the other side of the bed and sat down. Leaning against the headboard, he held out a carton of ice cream.
“I’m good,” I said.
“That’s not really an option. It’ll melt, then we’ll invite bad karma.”
“Yeah? Do the ice cream gods get angry about such things?”
He chuckled. “We’re all gods, so definitively yes. This one’s cinnamon roll. It’s my favorite.”
Reluctantly, I sat up and took it from him. I sniffed it, then took a small bite. He looked at me smugly, as if to say, ‘I told you so.’
“Sorry about Travis. He’s a bit of a dumbass sometimes.”
I snorted a laugh. “Would he be upset if he heard you say that?”
“Nah. He’s a dumbass and I’m an asshole. We balance each other out in that way.”
“You know, people keep saying that, but I haven’t seen you act like an asshole yet.”
“You should’ve met me a couple years ago. Travis almost kicked me out of his house a few times.”
“Travis? I thought he was the nicest guy ever.”
“He is. That’s how you know it was bad.”
“Give me an example, otherwise I’m going to assume you’re a dirty liar.”
He hummed around his spoon. “I made it very clear that I didn’t like gay people. Then I told him his entire personality was being gay.”
With something like a cackle, I leaned my head back against the headboard. “I mean, his entire platform is about being gay.”
“Damn, nobody has ever taken my side on that one. Guess you’re something of an asshole too.”
“Maybe I’m feeling a little put out.”
“It doesn’t change anything, but they really are trying to help in their own way.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t change anything.”
He crossed his ankles and looked over at me. “They’ve been in this world for a while, so it’s more normal to them. Even though Amir likes his privacy, he’s used to having to fight for it. And when it doesn’t work, he rolls with the punches. There’s really no other option.”
“He was the one who was upset when the first story broke,” I pointed out. “I’ve been doing everything I can to fix this because I know how much his reputation means to him.”
“I don’t know if it’s that. With the first story, his life got cracked open, and regardless of what he claimed to feel about it, that’s a terrifying thing. Now he’s treading water, though, and I think he’s more concerned about you.”
“He has a sixteen-million per year contract. I can’t screw that up for him.”
He sighed. “That’s something to consider. But it’s not the only thing.”
“It’s big enough.”
“Look, man, if you’re this tired of making appearances, then tell him that. I saw the way he reacted outside after you left. That guy is fucking gone for you, and he’ll do anything you ask.”
“I don’t need him to do anything. I just need to get through this.”
“You don’t care about your image, do you?”
Meeting his eyes, I felt mine grow hot. “What does it matter to me if the world hates or loves me? I’ve been hurt by love more than I have hate, because at least if I’m hated, I’m prepared for the blows.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“It’s real, though. That’s the thing. This isn’t real. We’re not lying about our relationship anymore, but it feels worse.”
“What part?”
“The performance. You know, that bastard Brody asked if I had anything I’d want to say to Cole. I was supposed to express my remorse for the things that happened. Renshu chewed me out for not being sincere enough. To my fucking abusive ex. It’s bullshit.”
“I’m really sorry. Is Amir not standing up for you?”
“He nearly cut off the guy’s head, but that’s not the point.”
“I get it. The pressure . . . It’s something else.” He frowned, his eyes becoming distant. “I ran off in the middle of the night, you know, because I couldn’t imagine the idea of being caught with Travis. It made me physically ill to think about.”
“But you made it.”
“Sure, with a shit-load of therapy and the support of my friends. Also, I had to fight like hell for Travis after that. I had to face my dad. That was the scariest part, and it’s what held me back the most. You’re in a grey area right now. The question is: Are you going to fight or not?”
“I’m fighting.” Staring into the ice cream container, I chewed on my lip. “But I feel like every time I take a breath, I choke on it. What if I can’t keep my head above water? Or worse, I lose myself somewhere along the way.”
“Honestly, I don’t have an answer for that.”
“I didn’t really think you would, but that’s okay.”
“What I do have is experience. A little bit of it, at least.”
“I’m listening.”
He took a big bite of ice cream before he spoke. “Clara attempted a smear campaign with us after we went public. It didn’t work, partly because there’s really nothing about Travis that people don’t know, plus he’s just an all-around good guy. But mostly, it’s because we ignored her.”
“That’s what I told Amir we should do, but Renshu disagrees.”
“You don’t have to listen to the PR people. Travis has told them to fuck off more than once, and you know what they do?”
“Not fire him, obviously.”
He smiled. “They remember that they don’t know everything and that he’s more relevant than they’ll ever be. Unless he severely fucks up, it’s their job to make sure things are going smoothly, not to force him through hoops that don’t work most of the time anyway.”
“It’s up to Amir.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. If you want to be partners, you have to embrace the ‘partners’ part of it.”
I thought about what he’d said. Amir wasn’t as defiant as Trav. The latter seemed to have no fear, whereas Amir liked to play it safe. He had a family to think about, plus he didn’t have the same sort of backing online. There were at least a million people who would go to war for Trav.
Resting the spoon in the carton, I got to my feet. “How does my hair look?”
“Gallantly messy. Where are we going?”
“To document this little shindig. We have to give the people want they want.”
“Did you say shindig? You’re a weird guy.”
“You said gallantly.”
“It’s a good word.”
“So is shindig. You should fix your hair.”
He ran a hand through it. “What’s wrong with it?”
I shrugged. “Imagine being the ugliest one in the video.”
When he scoffed, I turned around and flung open the door, taking a breath as I prepared for another episode of this damn circus. With a little bit of bread, the populace might remain blissfully unaware of the dismal state of the world around them.
Until the barbarians came, but that was a problem for another day.