Chapter 36 – Liam
36
LIAM
I am relatively quiet the rest of the drive back to Cape May and so is Sophie. We discuss music choices briefly, Sophie points out a couple of shortcuts, but otherwise, we don’t have much to say. I’m internally panicking but I’m also a little mad that she is thinking about leaving and hasn’t said anything to me about it.
Logically, I don’t know why I am even upset with her. She has dealt with a lot the last few months. She doesn’t need me making things harder on her. Realistically, why wouldn’t she want to move home? I just assumed that spending every waking moment together and sharing a bed most nights meant we are together. I haven’t brought it up though. There has been no conversation because, as I have told her multiple times, I haven’t done this before. I didn’t realize I had to formally ask her to be my girlfriend.
The fact that she is considering moving away from me, Lucy, and Ellie and this place kills me. I can’t believe she didn’t even tell me. I don’t know if I can let myself get closer to her now. All this time I have been thinking I am falling in love with her and maybe she hasn’t felt the same. She’s been in love. She’s been married. I haven’t. I don’t know what this is supposed to feel like or what the rules are.
I pull in my driveway and hop out of the car, making my way around to open her door like I usually do. She beats me to it and closes the door before I get to her. She looks a little glum as she starts walking.
I catch her hand. “Soph,” I rasp. “I’m sorry. I got scared. I don’t want you to move.”
At this, she softens but doesn’t relent. “Okay, well. I have to have the conversation, Liam. I might stay, but if it’s a good opportunity for me, then I might not.” She crosses her arms over her chest, closing off her heart from mine.
I nod. Ellie is at my house with Lucy because it’s late, but Sophie doesn’t move to follow me. “You coming?” I ask hopefully.
“I think I’m just going to stay here tonight,” she says without looking at me.
I don’t know what to do so I stand there helplessly. This is the first night we won’t have slept together in weeks, and I’m frozen at the foot of the driveway watching her walk away from me.
Okay. It’s okay. Maybe some space is good. Distance from a complicated situation never hurt anyone. I try to convince myself.
It’s not working. My chest tightens and I feel the familiar sensation of panic rising in my throat. I really hope I didn’t fuck this up.
* * *
Sunday comes and I haven’t heard much from Sophie besides a few text messages. I asked her yesterday if she wanted to hang out and she told me she was doing some work and starting Leah’s picture project. I tried to tell myself it’s okay, I saw her yesterday. We don’t need to spend every waking minute together.
When I still haven’t heard from her Sunday morning, I send her a text.
Me: Soph, I know you’re busy but…did you want to go to yoga tonight? I just need to ask Ellie if you do…
She writes back fairly quickly.
Sophie: Sure. I’d like that.
Okay, maybe she’s coming around. We agree to meet out front and walk since the air isn’t too sticky. We fall in step together and she lets me hold her hand while we walk. This is giving me reason to hope that we’re okay.
“Sophie, I’m sorry if I upset you with my assumptions the other day. Are you ok?” I glance over at her, willing her to look my way.
“It’s okay,” she says sincerely. She squeezes my hand. “I’m still not sure what I’m doing though, so please be patient with me.” She gives me a faint smile that I think is meant to comfort me, but all it does is tear me up inside.
“I’ll try,” I say, and I mean it. I chew on my lip, mulling over my next question. “Besides, moving home, do you have any other options you want to share with me?” I have never been good with the unknown and it will be truly hard for me to wait to hear her plans. It’s been years since I’ve let someone in and now, I feel exposed. If Sophie leaves, it’ll break me. I want us to be as upfront as possible about this.
Sophie looks sideways at me. “Actually, there is another option,” she hesitates.
I slow my pace and look her way, waiting for her to continue.
“Doc asked if I wanted to rent his extra office space and see patients out of there.” She stops walking and I whirl around to face her.
“Sophie! This is great.” I wrap her in a hug.
When I pull back she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, as if she’s summoning the gods of patience. “It is, Liam. It would be a great opportunity.” She pauses and reaches for my hand. “The thing is, I have to make sure I would be saying yes to him for the right reasons. Can you understand that? This is my life we’re talking about. I can’t be impulsive here.”
I know I’m coming on strong, it’s just that I’m crazy about this girl. I meet her earnest gaze and nod, dropping her hand. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll do my best.”
Be cool, man.
* * *
Yoga class is smooth sailing. I am getting more limber, so I am better able to keep up. The downside for me is that Russ is teaching tonight, and he is paying too much attention to Sophie. He is walking around, fixing her form, and in my opinion, finding any excuse he can to touch her. I guess I’m not giving off enough boyfriend vibes because he waits for us at the desk when it’s over.
“Did you enjoy class, Sophie?” he asks her, eyes bright. He’s completely ignoring me.
Sophie moans, a noise that should be reserved for me in my bedroom, and rolls her shoulders back. “It was excellent. Thanks, Russ.” She smiles. She doesn’t give him any indication that she likes him, but she also isn’t insinuating that she’s with me and I hate it.
I touch her lower back as we walk out the front door. She doesn’t move away but she seems a little uncomfortable. “Do you want a smoothie?” I ask, hoping to steal a few more minutes with her.
“I’m pretty tired,” she says apologetically. “I think I’ll just go home tonight.” She gives me a regretful look and I can’t take it anymore. I stop walking and catch her hand, pulling her off to the side so we’re not in the way of other pedestrians.
“Sophie. Talk to me. What did I do? This cold shoulder is killing me,” I beg, plopping down on the bench. “I don’t want to smother you; I’m trying to give you your space, but I have to know.” I drag my palm down my face.
Sophie’s expression softens and she sits down next to me. “Liam, I’m sorry,” she touches my chest, and I feel a spark shoot up my spine. “I just think… I’m just taking time to think about what I really want. Can you give me that?”
I sigh. “Of course, I can. But it’s hard because I let my guard down and now, I feel like I better put it back up or you’re going to break my heart.” I take her hand and hold it to my chest. Then I bring it to my mouth and kiss it.
Sophie exhales as if she is exasperated. “I promise I won’t break your heart, Liam.” It should be reassuring but it leaves me feeling empty. We walk home in silence.
* * *
Monday morning, I am at Doc’s office before he is, leaning against the cold white stucco and sipping an iced coffee. He whistles when he walks up, his happy mood is a stark contrast to mine. I find it annoying even though I shouldn’t. He is surprised to see me.
“Liam. Did we have an appointment?” he asks, pulling out his phone to, I presume, check his calendar.
“No. I’m sorry. I just—do you have any time?” I must look rundown because Doc doesn’t hesitate.
“Of course. I have just twenty minutes though, so talk to me while I do my opening chores.” He unlocks the door and ushers me in. I plop in a waiting room chair and wait for him to come out of the bathroom with his watering can. “What’s going on?” He asks, concerned.
“Well, I met Sophie’s family last week,” I start. Doc’s ears perk up in surprise, but he doesn’t speak. “It was great. Everything clicked.”
“That’s wonderful, Liam. Why don’t you look like you think it’s wonderful?” He stops what he’s doing and looks warily at me. “You were making such progress.”
“It is wonderful,” I growl. “It is. It’s just on the way home I found out she might be taking a job in Scranton and moving back there. And she didn’t talk to me about it at all. I found out by accident.” I sulk. I wait for him to be as outraged as I am by this turn of events, but he remains stoic. “If she leaves, it’ll crush me,” I mutter, putting my head in my hands.
I look up at Doc; he’s watching me carefully. “She told me you asked her to come work here. It seems like a no-brainer. Why wouldn’t she just accept your offer?”
“I did offer her the other office here. She could see patients out of it and work alongside me. I asked her to give me an answer by the Fourth of July,” he says. “She has three days but really it doesn’t matter when she tells me. I had to fix the room up anyway to sell the place.” He stands back up and walks behind the counter to turn on the phones. He glances at his watch. “Look, Liam. I’ve got to get ready for my patient. My doctor advice to you is to communicate with Sophie. If you love her, you need to talk to each other and come to an understanding. My advice as your friend? If you want Sophie to pick you, to pick Cape May, don’t get mad at her. Don’t push her away. Make her want to stay.”
I tap the top of the desk and turn to go. “Thanks, Doc,” I call, waving over my shoulder.
I walk around town for a long time thinking about ways I could make Sophie want to stay. I mean… I love her. I know I love her. I could try telling her that. That would probably be a good start. If she’ll even talk to me. We texted but we didn’t hang out this past weekend besides yoga. And the texts are short answers that leave me feeling worse. I am wracking my brain trying to think of things she likes or ways to show her what she means to me. Doc’s office would be a dream come true for her. She loves it here; she’s been so happy. I know she misses her work or she wouldn’t be looking for other options. I turn up Lafayette Street and I’m walking past the stores, peering in windows. I pass a coastal furniture store that I’ve contributed to in the past. One of my raw edge tables is in the window.
Then it hits me… Sophie loves my work. Doc is fixing up an office in hopes she will take it. What if I build her a desk? Like the teakwood end tables in the waiting room that she said she liked. That might not make her stay but it’s a gesture. I plop down on the bench outside the store to mull it over. I would need to get my hands on some more of that teakwood. I think my supplier could help me out, but it would need to be like yesterday and he’s two and a half hours away.
I pull out my phone and shoot him a text. It takes him a few minutes, but he thinks he has a slab of teakwood I can have. I try to stress the urgency to him and he says I can either wait until tomorrow and he’ll meet me halfway or I could drive up today and meet him at the barn this afternoon. I’m going with today.
I literally run home to talk to Ellie. Sure, it would’ve been easier to just text her, but I can’t help but hope I’ll run into Sophie. I jog up the steps and I’m huffing and puffing with my hands on my knees on the front porch when the door opens. Sophie is standing there, holding Lucy and snickering at me.
“What are you doing? Sprints again?” she teases.
I stand up and put my hands behind my head, pacing back and forth. “Oh good. You’re here.” That’s all I can get out.
“I’m here.” She smiles. “We’re here.” She bounces Lucy and she giggles. “Where’s the fire drill?”
“I have to drive a few hours to get something for work,” I tell her, hurriedly. The longer it takes me to get on the road, the later I’ll be back. “Can you stay with Lucy? You or Ellie if you’re busy.”
“I’ve got her,” she says. “Go, go. Do what you have to do.” She gives me a wry smile.
“Thank you!” I kiss Lucy’s head and Sophie’s cheek and jog back down the steps. Thinking better of it, I turn around and bound back up them. “Sophie,” I breathe, tipping up her chin so she can look me in the eye. “I want you to take all the time you need to make the best decision for yourself. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you can’t do that.” My voice comes out husky.
Sophie’s eyes are glittery when she says, “Thank you.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses me; Lucy reaches for me and grabs my earlobe, giggling.
“Ouch, Lulu!” I yelp, laughing.
Sophie looks much more at ease than she did yesterday. She grins at me and waves her hand away. “Go on, get out of here.”
“Okay. Bye!” I plant one more peck on her lips and rub the top of Lucy’s head before I’m off.
I’ve never built anything in three days but I’m damn sure going to try.