Chapter 10
H onestly, even I realize how sad this next statement is going to sound but.
.. I had completely forgotten that food could be.
.. good? Josh used to say I had no taste for life, and at the beginning of our relationship, it was a compliment.
We met as workaholics and he would often lament people who would get distracted by silly things like vacations and weekends.
He didn’t believe in having fun, was as laser-focused as I was. He never took his eye off the ball.
Until, of course, the pandemic hit. Now I can see what the red flags were.
Can’t we order in tonight? Can’t we watch a funny movie tonight?
Can’t we take some time off, go on a road trip?
Do you think working this much is good for us?
I dodged his questions, but now they were all I kept hearing.
At the time, I didn’t have any answers for him, so I did what I always did—worked more.
Threw myself into the job. Gunned after a promotion like my life depended on it.
But now I couldn’t remember the last time I ate anything as good as honey butter on French toast made with homemade bread.
All I’d been consuming for years was grilled chicken breast and plain brown rice and steamed vegetables and bland oatmeal and tasteless salads.
Like any taste of pleasure, however small, might make me hunger for life again.
All the carbs and sugar hit me at once and I abruptly remembered I hadn’t slept all night.
It was unheard of for me to ever go back to bed while it was still morning, but I was exhausted, and I could leave LA that afternoon, get a nap in first. It was better for all of us if I just left, took the black cat of my personality and thrust it into the shadows yet again.
“I think I’m going to get in bed,” I said to Mom and Benny, yawning.
“I didn’t sleep last night.” Mom was reading a book, as she typically did in the mornings, even when I was young.
She nodded. Benny was on her phone scrolling.
She’d taken a gorgeous picture of our breakfast spread with the morning light streaming in and when she had shown it to me, I started to see the beauty through her eyes. She was very talented.
Benny put her phone down as I was standing up and said, “Take a walk with me first, will you? Then sleep.”
“I’m pretty tired...”
“Please?”
“Okay,” I said. “Fine. Let me get my sneakers.”
We met at the door. It was already a cloudless and dry day, the heat of the sun scorching its way across the city, so I stayed in my short-sleeved shirt and sweats and we headed out.
There was a well-worn trail near the house that I knew we’d take.
Through the thicket of trees and greenery, after twenty minutes, we’d pop out to a wide view of Los Angeles.
We used to walk this almost every day. One thing I never stopped doing that Mom encouraged was walking.
It was one of the few pieces of our life I didn’t leave behind, even if my walk was on a treadmill, which Mom would think was ludicrous.
She’d say, “Why walk on a treadmill when you could be outside, in nature?”
Benny picked up a long stick and whacked at invisible branches in our path. It wasn’t overgrown, but it was still rattlesnake season. We didn’t take our chances.
Trailing behind Benny, I kicked up dirt and dust. She slowed so I could catch up to her and then put her arm around me and squeezed.
“I’m sorry I called you miserable.” She sighed. “That’s a shitty thing to say to someone who just got broken up with and lost her job and had violent food poisoning—on her birthday. ”
“Do you really think I’m miserable?” I asked, my voice so quiet I could hardly hear myself.
She paused, bit her lip.
“Not miserable. That was harsh. But not exactly... happy.”
“What’s with everyone?” I asked, suddenly irritated. “When did it all become about being happy?”
“For me, always,” Benny said, laughing, throwing her hands up. “But for the rest of the world, I think the pandemic opened a lot of eyes. People were just on autopilot, working and working, not experiencing any enjoyment. Like, why do anything if you don’t enjoy your life at least sometimes?”
God, she really sounded like Mom.
“That’s what Josh blamed the breakup on,” I said, staring down at my shoes, which were now covered in brown dust. “The pandemic.”
“Tell me what he said.”
I didn’t want to tell her, but I did. It wasn’t hard to remember—Josh’s words were replaying in my head already. They still stung.
When I finished, Benny said, “Huh,” and I waited for more from her as we walked to the end of the trail. When we made it to the clearing, the smog wasn’t too bad and we could see all the way through to the mountains, past the sprawl of the city.
Benny turned to me and said, “That’s maybe the kindest breakup ever.”
“Kind? Benny, whose side are you on?”
“I have never been on anyone’s side other than yours, Char, but I want you to be happy.
It sounds like Josh wanted the same thing for you and for himself.
I mean, hey, I’m the first one to think men are the worst , but Josh was a good one.
And Charlie, you don’t see yourself like I do.
I have to be honest. You are so... clenched.
You smile, sure, but it never reaches your eyes.
You seem... afraid of life. I’m always here for you.
But, as your sister who loves you more than life itself, it’s.
..” She winced, like she didn’t want to continue, and her eyes veered to the skyline.
“Honestly, it’s hard to see you like this. ”
“Maybe it’s just easy for you to be happy.”
“It’s really not, Charlie. I work at it.”
I guffawed. “You do not.”
“I do. I get low, too. You’re not around me all the time anymore.
You don’t have all the information. But here’s how I see it.
Okay, I lost this photography job to someone else, right?
I really wanted it. Big centerfold spread for a cool online magazine.
Would have raised my profile. I was disappointed.
But I also came to the conclusion that it must not have been meant for me.
Something better is coming. It’s all going to work out.
But if you had lost that job, you would have thought the world was against you and you were doomed.
Who’s right? How do you know? You’re only seeing things through your chosen worldview and filter.
“Now, think of this. Maybe you thought you needed to force that job and fight for it. Maybe you would have been persistent. Maybe eventually you would have gotten it through sheer tenacity. But then the job is horrible. And nothing goes right. And because you were so busy fighting for something that should have never been yours, you don’t have time to take the call for the job that would have been beautiful and amazing and exciting.
So, I choose to believe it’s all working out for me, and to be okay with letting things go. ”
I rolled my eyes. “You sound like Mom.”
Benny bumped me hard on the shoulder. “What’s so wrong with being like Mom? Mom is going toward what she loves. You’re afraid of becoming her, but all that means is that you aren’t her. Then, who are you? What are you going toward , Charlie? What do you love?”
I didn’t really know what to say to that.
But Benny didn’t want an answer. She already knew I didn’t have one.
She just sighed again and kept talking. “This skepticism and negativity and cynicism and pessimism you’re holding on to sucks, Charlie.
I’m sorry, but it does. It’s like you don’t even want to try to enjoy life.
You need to let loose. You don’t have a job right now.
You have some free time to do whatever you want.
And here you are, sulking around and acting like the world is against you. ”
There was absolutely no dressing down like the one a little sister could give.
“Most people want to be happy, Charlie. You know that? I actually don’t even think you want that for yourself and I can’t for the life of me understand why. I know what happened with Noah was hard on you, but does that mean you never live your life again?”
“Happiness is just unrealistic, okay?” I blurted out. “It’s not safe. You make stupid decisions. I understand responsibility. I understand control and plans. I understand working hard.” I stalked off quickly and heard Benny clambering after me.
“Hey,” she said, when she finally reached me.
She put her hand on my shoulder and I turned around to face her.
“You know what, Charlie? Honestly, you’re perfect.
I love you no matter what. I don’t want to change you.
You are so talented, and I love your work ethic and frankly, I could probably use some of it.
I could stand to be more responsible, to actually stick with a plan.
But I think you can be all of this, and you can, I don’t know. .. lighten up a little.”
“I don’t know how , okay, Benny?” Words were coming out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.
Benny softened and hooked her arm into the crook of mine as we began our way out of the trail and back to the road.
After a few moments of silence, she said, “I have an idea. You’re going to hate it.”
“Great introduction,” I said, laughing. “Really selling it, Ben.”
“I’m just preparing you.”
“Okay, I’m prepared.”
“So, when was the last time you did nothing?”
“Nothing?” I shivered at the thought. “Never,” I added. “Yeah, never.”
“You have some money saved, right? Please don’t tell me you have been working since you were like a toddler and you don’t have money saved.”
I laughed. “I have money saved, Benny. It’s me. Come on. Of course I do.”
“Okay, good. I was about to send you to Petra’s brother, the big-time financial advisor who lives in Chicago. He’s famous around here. All the artists who are terrible with managing their finances go to Apollo.”
“I still cannot believe his name is Apollo.”
“Have you seen him lately? Literal Greek god. He really grew into the name.”
“That family and their genes.”
Petra, former model, Mom’s best friend, and the closest neighbor to Quinn Canyon. Petra was effervescent and lovely and had practically raised us alongside Mom.
“How is Petra?” I asked.
“She’s good. She’ll come over soon. Don’t change the subject.” She clapped her hands together. “Okay, my idea.”
“You’re the one drooling over Apollo,” I retorted. “Now, back to your terrible idea I’m going to hate.”
“Hey, it’s a great idea! The idea is not the problem.”
“Let me guess. The problem is me?”
“Ding, ding,” Benny chimed.
“Okay. Go. Tell me your idea.”
She took a long and deep inhale and started speaking on the exhale.
“You need a month of yes ,” she said, like I was supposed to understand what that meant.
“What the heck is a month of yes, Benadette?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I’m making it up. I figure you’ve had a lot of years of saying no. No to coming to LA. No to vacations. No to time off. No. No. No. So, what do you do? You do the opposite for a month. A month of yes.”
“I really want to say no right now, but I feel like it’s playing right into your hand.”
She double-tapped her nose like, exactly .
“I’m thinking out loud,” she said, gathering steam and excitement.
“I think you should stay here for a month, obviously. Do nothing responsible. Wake up every single day and just go where it sounds delightful and fun and surprising. The more surprising the better, because it’s outside your norm.
No overthinking. Do and say the opposite of what you’d normally do and say.
Follow your urges. End up somewhere interesting.
Just go where the wind takes you. No plans.
No projects. Bake your bread. Discover new parts of the city.
Go to great restaurants. Spend some of that damn money you worked so hard for.
” She caught her breath and added, “And, you have to say yes to anything I request. If I want to take you shopping or for a makeover or do a photo shoot with you or make you go to the Getty Villa to look at art in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, you must say yes. To any request.”
“Anything?!”
“Anything.”
“You need to really commit, too,” Benny added, voice dropping to indicate her seriousness. “Throw yourself into it. One month. If you hate it, you can go back to your life as a drill sergeant workaholic and never listen to another one of my wild ideas again.”
Now, that intrigued me. Could this get her off my back, once and for all? Could this prove to her that living in this way—by whimsy and chance and luck—was a recipe for disaster?
“And if I don’t say yes to everything you request?”
“Honestly, Charlie, this isn’t some unrealistic movie where I give you a high-stakes ultimatum. This is real life. Do it or not. I’m just saying it might actually be good for you. I’m not going to force you.”
I shot her a grin. “You’re not even going to make a bet with me?” I asked. We were standing by our cars, waiting to go up the stairs to Quinn Canyon.
“A bet?” Benny asked wryly. “Okay, fine.” She thought for a moment and then her eyes brightened. “If you don’t stay through the month and do what I say, you have to pay me ten thousand dollars.”
I choked. “Ten thousand dollars? For what?”
She shrugged. “The drama.”
“Benny Ruby Quinn, my darling little sister, why in the world would I agree to this?”
“Because, Charlie Ruby Quinn, my impossible older sister, I think somewhere real deep down—and I mean, reallllll deep down—you want to be happy.”