Chapter 40
B y midnight, we were all writhing in pain and pleasure from how much food we’d consumed when Willow procured a pack of large tarot cards from her tote bag and asked, “Who wants a reading?”
“Charlie does,” Benny chimed in, pointing at me across the table. She mouthed, “Request,” to me and I halfheartedly nodded.
“Sure,” I said to Willow, who was conveniently sitting across from me, her eyes bright and inquisitive.
I knew tarot cards were a bunch of bullshit, so I didn’t see the harm in allowing Willow to pretend.
Tarots were like anything else spiritual or astrological, vague enough that the gullible would feel understood.
Mom had been tracking moon cycles and planet retrogrades since I was young and, even then, I was skeptical.
“Willow is amazing,” Mom said. She was sitting at the head of the table with Ravi and Jasper at her sides.
“She did a reading for me the other day and confirmed that I’m a late bloomer in my career, the same I’ve been seeing in my astrology chart and from another tarot reader who used to live down the way and moved to Sedona.
Crazy how I’ve been hearing the same thing for so many years. ”
Yeah , I thought, super crazy that someone could see exactly what you want to hear and tell it to you. I didn’t say that out loud, but I wanted to. Benny was watching me, like she knew what was going through my mind.
Willow didn’t know anything about me, so I couldn’t wait to hear the formless conclusions she’d try to sell back to me. I liked her, but I didn’t like people who used vulnerabilities against others, told them things they wanted to hear, gave them false hope.
Willow started shuffling her cards.
“Okay, Charlie,” she said. “Think of what you want the most while I do this.”
I want this to be over , I thought, but only nodded.
“I’m going to do a three-card spread of past, present, and future,” Willow told me. “This isn’t fortune-telling. It’s a portal for self-discovery.” Willow’s voice was rhythmic and calming, but I suddenly felt warm and panicked again.
I reminded myself that tarot cards were a joke and Willow was just having a bit of fun.
She had me cut the deck three times. While she was doing a rapid shuffle, a card flung from the deck and landed face down in front of us.
“That one really wanted to get out,” she said and straightened it in front of me face down. “That’s your Present card.”
After some more shuffling, she placed two more cards from the deck on either side of the one that flung out.
Gently, she flipped each one. The middle card, the one that flew out, gave me a start.
It was called The Tower and it was pure calamity on the tarot card, a man and a woman literally jumping from a tower on fire.
“Interesting,” Willow said, studying the three cards in between us.
Her eyes met mine eagerly and she said, “What happened, Charlie? Something horrible happened. It’s been following you around, binding you.
You can see it here in the Past card.” She pointed to the card on my right, which showed someone bound in rope.
Everyone’s eyes were on me. My cheeks flamed again.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied, voice wobbling. I kept my gaze trained on the cards, and didn’t dare look at Benny, Mom, or Alex. This was the problem with having people care about you—they wanted to know things. They wanted to talk about things.
“Well, here’s what I see in the cards,” Willow said, seemingly ignoring my apprehension, or not even noticing it at all.
“You suffered a terrible heartbreak of some kind. Maybe romantic. It has made you scared of the world. You are currently in a massive transformation—that’s what The Tower card here represents.
It looks like calamity, but it’s actually a purification process.
Let the old you crumble so the new you can emerge.
And then, this Future card is interesting. It’s a choice, actually.
“You can stay comfortable and live a predictable life, like you have been doing, from what I can see in this Past card. Or you can step into the unknown, take chances, take risks, and heal from that past heartbreak by letting the light back in. It all depends on what you choose in this Tower moment you’re in right now.
Will you let go of the past and step into the new you?
Or will you go back to the old you and stay safe and protected from life? ”
I was stunned into speechlessness, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Willow shrugged, collected the cards, and said, “Not sure if that resonates. If it doesn’t, ignore everything I just said.” She laughed. “Anyone else want one?”
Ravi jumped in and Willow switched seats with Jasper so she could do Ravi’s cards.
My heart was pounding in my chest. I wish she had been wrong. Wished she had been vague and off the mark, but that was too specific. My breathing came out short and stunted again.
My mind was blaring, buzzing, flashbacks flickering in and out. Ravi was being told that his dreams were about to come true and he needed to keep a sensible head about him. He beamed, like letting good things happen to you was the easiest thing in the world.
When I looked over at Mom, she wasn’t looking at Ravi and Willow—she was watching me. She was watching me like she knew everything. I could almost hear her pleading, What happened?
Benny’s eyes were on me, too, but I didn’t meet them. She knew it all too well. I could imagine how much she wanted to tell Mom, to tell everyone, to make me reveal it all. She’d say that was the purification process I needed, but it wasn’t. The past had to stay buried.
God, what was wrong with me?
I would rather live within the confines of a safe and predictable life than ever take a risk again. I would rather never speak to my mom again before I would let myself be vulnerable. I would rather let Alex go than ever take a chance and open myself up to something real.
I wanted to be impenetrable, to figure out how life couldn’t hurt me anymore.
Everybody seemed capable of love with such startling ease.
And all I ever wanted was to stop my heart from wanting it.