Chapter 41
M om insisted that Alex stay over, since everyone else lived closer and Alex’s sublet apartment was in Malibu.
The house was dead quiet, but I spent over an hour tossing in bed next to him as he slept, my mind trying to force me to relive the one part of my past I refused to ever think about.
I wished I could detach entirely from my thinking, from this incessant chatter.
The only thing I could never escape was myself.
If I didn’t have my work, what would be left?
This? This constant, endless loop of battering thoughts?
Clearly needing a good distraction, I gently woke Alex up. When his eyes opened, I crawled on top of him. Reaching down into his boxer briefs, I watched as his eyes rolled to the back of his head and took the opportunity to kiss him, hard, doing two things at once, getting him ready for me.
“Wait,” he mumbled against my lips. “Wait a second, Charlie.”
He gathered my hands in front of him and I stopped.
“Not that I’m not enjoying this, but your mom and sister are right next door.”
“Trust me, Benny would approve.”
“And your mom?”
“Honestly? She’d probably approve, too.”
He laughed. “I did have many fantasies about doing this exact thing with you when I was sixteen. In fact, you straddling me like this featured heavily in the rotation.”
That made me lightheaded with lust.
“All my fantasies included sneaking you into this house and having my way with you.”
“Far be it from me to kill the moment,” he said, cupping my face with his free hand. “But you seemed... introspective tonight. Can we talk?”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“I’ve noticed that.”
“Sorry I’m not willing to spill all my feelings all the time,” I snapped, edgier than I wanted it to sound.
“Talking about things is good, though,” he said gently. “Your mom told me tonight you haven’t been home in a long time. Did something happen? Was Willow’s tarot reading right? You kind of went quiet after it.”
Sighing loudly, I said, “So you and my mom were talking about me? And no, Willow’s tarot reading wasn’t right. Do you hear yourself? They are tarot cards . Wow, big swing of her to assume someone had a heartbreak in their past. Yeah, like nobody has ever been hurt. Come on.”
“Whoa,” Alex said, lifting his palms up. I moved off him and sat on the edge of the bed, my back to him, crossing my arms across my chest. “I’m just trying to get to know you, Charlie. I want to know you.”
“What’s there to know?” I burst out. “I’m a terrible daughter and a worse sister.
I don’t come home for years. I work until my eyes burn and I’m too tired to keep my head up.
I had a breakup recently and don’t even miss him, don’t even care.
Why would you want to know a person like that, Alex?
Let’s just call this what it is—sex until you go to Chicago and start your new life.
We don’t need to make it anything more. I know you’re a good guy.
You don’t have to prove anything to me by asking questions. We can just hook up and say goodbye.”
Alex let out a long breath and I couldn’t even look at him. Instead, I stared at my feet on the shaggy area rug.
“Charlie,” he said quietly. “I’m not trying to prove to you I’m a good guy. I think you’re interesting and complex and fascinating and smart and beautiful and I want to know who you are, who you’ve been. Tonight was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. If you wanted me to stay—”
“Don’t,” I cried. “Don’t finish that sentence. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do,” he said. I felt his hand on the back of my neck and closed my eyes to it. “I’d stay for you. For this. For a life like this. For a chance to see if this is real between us.”
“I would never ask you to do that.”
“I would do it even if you didn’t ask. Even if I thought there was a chance.”
“Why, Alex? Why? I’ll only hurt you. Or you’ll hurt me. Or you’ll leave. Or I will.”
“That’s the risk you take.”
“I can’t take that risk.”
“Even for love?”
“ Especially for love.”
He sighed and I felt him shift in the bed.
“I don’t know what happened,” he said softly.
“Something or someone hurt you. And I’m so sorry for that.
But you’re letting it close you off. Trust me, I’ve been closed off.
I’ve had one heartbreak after another. Losing the chance with you back in high school broke my heart.
I thought about it constantly, even when my heart was shattered from losing my mom.
I know loss. I have lived loss. And I wanted to close off from everyone and everything.
I wanted to so badly. If it weren’t for my grandmother, I probably would have.
So, I know how you feel. You think I don’t.
But I do. I know what it’s like to want to retreat from the world.
But that isn’t a life. It isn’t living. There are people here, right here, right now, that want to love you so badly.
Present tense, Charlie. You don’t see it.
But tonight, I saw it. And if you don’t let them love you, what’s the point? ”
“You don’t know me, Alex,” I snapped.
“You’re right,” he said calmly. “And that’s what I’m saying.
I want to know you. I want to be there for you.
I want to figure it out with you. I know it hasn’t been long, but sometimes a connection comes along that you know is special.
We got a second chance. This is rare. I’m not the kind of person that can just let that go without a fight.
I don’t make declarations like this. I don’t want to stay for people.
I am always the one leaving. But I don’t want to leave you. ”
“I know most women would love to hear this,” I said. “But I’m not that kind of woman.”
He sighed deeply behind me. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t . A long silence stretched between us.
“Okay,” Alex finally said, defeated. “Even if it’s not me, I wish you’d let someone in, Charlie.”
“I don’t make mistakes like that anymore.”
“I get it.”
“I don’t think you do.”
“No, I do. I was closed off from most people. Never wanted to risk. Worked like crazy. It wasn’t until I met you that I thought—well, this could be worth opening up for.
But you don’t feel the same and I understand.
Maybe meeting you was just showing me I was ready to meet someone for real.
” He took a long inhale and let it out slowly. “Maybe it was never meant to be you.”
I stifled a whimper that was about to take me over.
What could I say? I couldn’t promise a single thing, didn’t think I was even capable of what Alex was asking of me.
But even the thought of him going to Chicago, ready to meet someone else, and falling in love with them—it made me feel crushed under a claustrophobic weight.
How selfish was that? To not want someone, but not want them to be with anyone else?
A sick feeling of self-hatred slithered across my skin like a snake, coiling around me.
This was why I kept myself sequestered away. Because I hurt people. Because I forced people to do things that went against their better judgment. Love wasn’t worth this.
“Maybe,” I whispered.
I heard him rustling.
“I’m gonna go actually,” he said. “Staying here was a mistake.”
I didn’t turn around to look at him.
“Is this over, then?” I asked quietly.
“No,” he said. “I don’t know. I’ll call you later today.
We can still see each other until I leave.
I’m not strong enough to resist you for as long as I can have you.
But I need to get my head together. I keep looking at you from across the room and not wanting to be in rooms without you. I can’t help it.”
“Okay,” I said. I know what I should have told him, what the rom-coms dictate in this moment. She runs to him. Opens her heart. They live happily ever after. They make it seem so easy when it’s not.
It’s just never that easy.
Love doesn’t conquer all. Love destroys.
When he left, I stared at the ceiling, eyes glazing over.
Okay , I thought to myself. Fine. Let’s do this.
Reliving the worst day of my life was the least I could do. This time, the punishment was deserved.
The last scene in the film rolled on and I forced myself to bear it.