Chapter 42
H er breath hitched when she saw the text from Noah. She hadn’t expected him to text her. Or to ever talk to her again. She’d given him the out she thought he wanted. Told him to forget about her, let her go. She wasn’t going to be the reason he lost his family.
She had spent the last few hours secretly relieved that he’d chosen them over her. That she didn’t have to risk for him any longer. But the moment his text came through—and she read what it said—she was back in, dreaming up her future with him, heart swooping.
i’m leaving. the hell with this family. taking the first flight out. i miss you. i love you.
He’d chosen her. Her .
did they agree?
no. it’s their loss. i’ll make my own money. you and i will be a family. let’s go see your mom and benny. i want to meet them before our trip.
She couldn’t believe it.
He told her the flight he intended to take.
She promised she’d meet him at the airport.
The way she missed him, now knowing he was coming back, was all-consuming like she hadn’t let herself feel it until she was safe in the knowledge that he was hers.
She’d always wanted him to make this decision on his own, not because she forced him or gave him an ultimatum.
If she had done that, she was no better than his heartless parents.
The hours ticked by endlessly. He was taking a red-eye flight and would arrive at SFO in the morning. She tried to sleep, but kept waking up, staring at her phone, wondering if it was time yet.
She felt as if she were on the precipice of the rest of her life.
She couldn’t wait to introduce Noah to Mom and Benny, to show them she was out there, living, risking, being a little like them in their audacious belief that the world might actually be a positive place.
She wanted to surprise her mom, bring Noah like a gift, forgive, let go, and usher in a new version of herself as someone open to love and life.
She thought maybe she’d try to find her dad, give him a chance to explain himself.
It had been long enough. She could forgive him if he was willing to try.
She was uncomplicated in her happiness. She felt that life was beckoning her forward with its arms wide open, waiting for her to just walk into them.
Finally, it was morning. She drove to the airport, parked her car.
She needed to see him arrive, see his wide smile as he bounded toward her, before wrapping her in that world-stopping hug of his.
She had flowers with her. It was ridiculous.
Cheesy. But she was so in love everything seemed like a perfect idea. Cheesy was the only approach.
She drank a hot mocha latte in the arrivals area, watching flights go from in-air to landed on the TV screens.
When his flight popped up, her chest rose.
She thought about the day ahead of her. Now that she knew Noah was hers to keep, that nothing stood between them, she could throw herself at him with complete abandon.
She’d been so hesitant. Now she wanted to give him everything, give him all of her, tell him every story, every pain, every single thing.
She wanted the romance, the vulnerability, the life spent side by side.
She’d had no idea how much she wanted it until she knew she was about to have it.
He was coming home to her. Nothing could hold her back now.
They would travel and she’d never be alone and they’d stay at Quinn Canyon for weeks on end and maybe they’d move to LA eventually and maybe she’d get that culinary degree, go to pastry school, start a little bakery, choose an entirely different, but wildly beautiful, life.
It all felt possible in that moment. All of it.
His flight landed on time. She hadn’t heard from him but figured the night before he had a narrow window to return his rental car and sprint to his flight. She didn’t even think to be nervous. She’d remember that forever.
She stood at baggage claim, with her hand-printed sign that said WELCOME HOME NOAH with red-glitter-painted hearts all around it, and a mixed bouquet that was so heavy she had to keep switching hands.
When an hour passed, she called him, but it just rang until it hit his voicemail. That was strange. Where was he?
She went to a customer service kiosk and asked the attendant if a Noah Hawthorne had gotten off the flight yet. Or if there was a delay in the deboarding process. Maybe his luggage was lost and he was at baggage claim still. But why hadn’t he texted her?
This was the first moment she worried.
The lady did not want to give out any information, but Charlie begged and begged.
Finally, she divulged that Noah Hawthorne had never taken the flight. All the passengers had collected their bags.
“He didn’t get on the flight?” she asked.
“No,” the attendant told her. “He never checked in.”
She called him again. It rang and rang and rang and Charlie left multiple voicemails. She didn’t know if it was time to panic. He changed his mind? Lost his nerve? Couldn’t risk losing the money? Could he have done that without telling her? Was he really that cruel?
She ripped the sign in half and stuffed it in a trash can with the massive bouquet of flowers.
She circled the arrivals area trying to figure out what to do, her breathing shallow.
For some strange reason, she started calling rental car agencies. She reached several companies; all of them said Noah Hawthorne had never rented a car with them.
She called the last company on the list, simply because she had to finish what she started. If he never turned the car in, then he’d stayed and changed his mind. That could be closure. She needed to know. The loop was open.
She’d deal with processing later. For now, she needed answers.
She was pacing in the airport arrivals area. It was like purgatory. She couldn’t leave yet. Her emotions hadn’t caught up to her. She was in business mode.
When she reached a customer service representative, she asked if they had rented a car to a Noah Hawthorne and once the name was said, the woman on the other end gasped.
“What?” Charlie asked. “What is it?”
“Are you his wife?” the woman asked.
Yes , she wanted to say. Yes, I am his wife. The ferocity of her desire to claim this role was so intense it startled her. Instead, she said, “I’m his girlfriend.”
“We’ve been trying to reach someone all day. He didn’t leave an emergency contact.”
“An emergency contact? What happened? Is he okay?” Charlie was lightheaded all of a sudden. There was a pause on the other end and heavy breathing.
“I’m sorry,” the woman said. “I’m so sorry.”
“WHAT HAPPENED?” Charlie screamed the words out, and several people around her turned to look. She didn’t care.
There was another long pause. It sounded like the woman was crying, or, at least, stifling a sob.
“I was told the driver of the car didn’t make it,” the woman said quietly.
The arrivals area went blurry.
“Didn’t make it?” Charlie asked. “Didn’t return the car, you mean?” Charlie’s ears were ringing, her body swaying. She sat down roughly on a chair next to a young man with headphones on.
“I’m so sorry, miss, but what I mean is that the driver passed. He got into an accident and died on impact.”
The world was spinning. She felt like she was plummeting off a cliff.
“Noah Hawthorne? My Noah? Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes, miss, I’m sure.”
The phone clattered to the ground, startling the young man beside Charlie. He retrieved it and handed it to her but Charlie’s vision had fogged over.
“Are you okay?” she heard the young man ask.
“No,” she said, garbled, as if she were underwater, drowning.
“Do you need a doctor?”
“No,” she managed to reply. “No.”
She took the phone from him and staggered back to her car.
She should have told Noah not to come. She should have let him go, not encouraged him.
He wouldn’t have been on the road, upset, late at night, if it weren’t for her.
She had done this. She had caused this. She had wanted something she knew she wasn’t meant to have.
When she got into the driver’s seat and closed the door she let out a piercing howl and kept murmuring, “No, no, no, no, no,” over and over and over.
Her heart was ripped open.
She said, “No,” a hundred times, at least, sobbing like maybe she would never stop, like she’d still be sobbing fifty years from now, like she’d never ever leave this car, not even when she physically left this car, she’d still be in this car forever.
Three agonizing hours passed, sobs ripped from her throat, her emotions flayed out and stripped bare, and then she halted abruptly, taking a sharp breath in. Finally, she forced herself to stop crying in the parking lot of the San Francisco International Airport.
And then, she made solemn, unbreakable promises to herself. Never again , she vowed. Never again will I fall in love. Never again will I do anything the way my mom would do it. Never again will I be so irresponsible. Never again will my heart break like this.
Never. Again.
Charlie decided in that moment she would get a stable job.
She would tell Benny about what happened to Noah, but she would swear her to secrecy, make her promise she’d never bring it up, never tell their mom.
She never wanted Jackie to know about any of this, about how foolish Charlie had been, about how she had tried to be like her, and it had blown up in Charlie’s face.
She took a deep, steadying breath, and started driving. She was numb and it felt better somehow. Noah had never been hers, not really.
She distanced herself from all her friends, especially the ones that knew Noah, because all she wanted to do was never be reminded of this time in her life.
She didn’t receive a single phone call from Noah’s family, and she never attempted to reach out.
She moved out of her Stanford apartment and got that stable job in San Francisco, and never looked back.
She could almost convince herself it had all been a movie, like it belonged to someone else.
But, for seven long years, it still felt like she was in that car, stuck and sobbing and irreparably broken.