Chapter 47
Charlie
W hat the hell had just happened?
I blinked furiously, unable to trust what I was seeing.
Not only was I not at a chapel in Malibu and fifty-five years old, but I was in the hospital.
Apparently, I’d been in an accident. Benny wasn’t fifty.
Actually, twenty-five-year-old Benny was regarding me skeptically from the doorway and my mom—my beautiful, vivacious mom—was alive, right here, looking at me, crying.
“I’m so happy you’re okay,” Mom kept saying, touching my forearm, holding my hand to her chest like she never wanted to let go of me again.
I was still so groggy. The doctor had told me to expect that, to expect fuzziness around the edges of my memory, but I hadn’t told her what I’d experienced, where I’d gone, because I could hardly make any sense of it.
“Are you really here?” I asked Mom and she gave me a look of anguish.
“I’m really here,” she said through tears. “We thought we lost you.”
“I thought I lost you ,” I told her. “Prop me up, please. I have to tell you both what I just saw.”
Mom shoved some pillows behind me and used the remote to put me into more of a sitting position. Benny still wouldn’t come close and I didn’t blame her. But, I needed to find out first if what I’d experienced had been one long coma-induced dream, or something else.
Something like a vision .
My mind felt different, clearer, more alert. I had survived and seen our future. Or, at least a version of it. Now I needed to find out if I had the chance to change it.
“Mom, that role you talked about that you didn’t want to talk about for the TV show,” I said. “The screen test. Is the show, by any chance, called Starlet ?”
She doubled back and gasped. “What?” she asked. “How would you know that? I had to sign an NDA. Nobody knows about that.”
Chills broke out on my skin.
“Benny,” I said. “Have you and Ravi talked about your photography yet? Like maybe you could be his tour photographer?”
Her eyes widened, but she stifled it. “How could you know that? He texted me right before your accident about it. Did he talk to you that night you met?”
“No,” I said, those chills intensifying, now moving to a buzzy, sparkly feeling at the top of my head. “So, it was a vision.”
“What are you saying?” Mom asked. “You seem different.”
“I am, Mom,” I said. “I just saw what my life would be like twenty-five years from now if I closed off from everyone. I hated it. I thought I was stuck there. I thought I’d lost you, Mom.
Like, really lost you. Permanently. All I wanted was to come back and make things right with you and Benny.
I am so sorry. You were right, Benny. I regretted everything.
I was alone. We never spoke. I had nothing to live for.
I never want to end up like that. I will do everything in my power to not end up like that.
I love you, Benny. I love you, Mom. Can we start over?
Or, can I start over? Can you both forgive me? ”
“Of course I forgive you,” Mom said, hugging me. “Do you forgive me? I’m so sorry for all I did wrong and all I didn’t even know I was doing wrong.”
“Mom,” I said. “It’s in the past. It’s forgotten. You were perfect. You are perfect.”
My tears dropped softly onto Mom’s shoulder.
“Also,” I told her. “Take the Starlet job when they offer it. Trust me.” I didn’t want to give it all away for her, but I knew it was the catalyst for the acting career she’d been dreaming of, and I was so happy in that moment I was about to be around to witness it all unfold.
The dread of regret in my stomach from the funeral vision was still lingering. She’d won all those awards without me cheering her on every step of the way. I couldn’t believe I’d been given another chance to make this right.
“They offer it?” she asked. “I’ve been in the running for a long time.”
“They offer it,” I said. “And it’ll be worth the wait.”
“I knew it,” she said. “I knew it.”
We stopped hugging and both looked over at Benny, her arms crossed, eyebrows scrunched as she watched us both.
“You really hurt me,” Benny said, fury in her tone. “I was preparing to never speak to you again, Charlie.”
“I know,” I said. I wanted to go to her, but I couldn’t stand. Instead, I just thrust my arms out ineffectively. “Does it make it any better that I tried to leave because I love you so much? And love is hard for me, Ben. I am terrified of getting hurt.”
“Charlie, we are all terrified of getting hurt. That’s what you don’t understand. That’s what makes love special, because it’s a risk. Not because it’s easy.”
“I see that now,” I told her as sincerely as I could, desperate to have her believe me.
“Do you, though?” she asked. “How can I trust you? You’re so afraid of being left, but you don’t realize you leave people behind all the time. That’s selfish. To do to others what you’re so scared of having them do to you. You think you’re the only person in the world who hurts.”
“You’re right,” I said. “You’re so right.”
There was a tense silence, and I could almost see the energy battling between us, Benny wanting to soften and me wanting her forgiveness so badly it felt like my heart might actually explode inside my chest if I didn’t get it.
“If you abandon us again, I’m done,” Benny said resolutely.
“I won’t,” I said, certain of this in a way I couldn’t explain. But I knew that I was not going anywhere ever again. I was going to love Mom and Benny so hard, to make up for lost time, to prove to them I was worthy of their forgiveness. “I promise you. I won’t.”
I held out my pinky finger, a callback to us as kids, making pinky promises that felt like sacred oaths. This was a vow. Earning Benny’s trust back would take time, but I wasn’t worried about that.
I’d do whatever it took.
Love stuck around.
Love got through the hard times. It was either love, or lifeless existence.
There were no other choices.
And you either loved 100 percent, or you didn’t love at all.
Benny’s mouth ticked into an almost-smile and that hint of her anger dwindling was enough to make me let out a sigh of relief.
She made it to my bedside and held out her pinky finger and we entwined them, shook once, kissed the spiral of our fists, and separated.
“One more thing,” she said. “There’s another person who you owe an apology to. He doesn’t even think you want to see him. That man is crazy in love with you and I swear to God if you don’t give you and Alex a shot, I’m not going to believe that you’ve changed at all.”
I nearly shot to my feet. “Alex is here ? WHERE? He didn’t go to Chicago?”
“Charlie,” Benny said gravely. “Alex has been here day in and day out. He hasn’t left your side.”
“Where is he?” I asked, panicked. “I can’t lose him.” I never imagined Alex would be here, never imagined I would actually get a chance to make everything right. Of course I didn’t deserve it, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try.
Benny gave me a real smile this time.
“Finally,” she said. “You’ve come to your damn senses, woman.”