Chapter 48
Alex
O utside Charlie’s door, I was pacing, deciding if I should just leave.
I’d wanted to know that Charlie was okay and now I knew.
What was keeping me here? She’d made it clear that she didn’t want me back, that this was going to end.
I had already felt foolish enough being by her bedside with Benny and Jackie, as if I were part of their family.
Physically, I had been incapable of leaving until I knew Charlie was okay.
For so long, I had thought I was messed up forever, that losing my mom had broken me irrevocably.
I understood Charlie’s guardedness, because it was nearly identical to my own.
Over the last few weeks of spending time with her, I’d tried not to fall.
I’d tried so hard. I’d called friends, my dad, my grandmother, anyone who would pick up, and asked them to talk me out of having feelings for Charlie, but I’d looped back around.
Every single person I talked to told me she sounded like someone I needed to fight for.
I’d never in my life been this bent out of shape over someone.
Except, of course, for teenage Charlie Quinn, back in high school, the girl I’d watched from afar, trying to get up the courage to talk to her.
When I’d seen her at that party during our senior year, it took every ounce of bravery within me to approach her.
My mom knew everything about Charlie Quinn.
She’d been the one I talked to about every interaction.
I’d texted her that night, told her that Charlie was at the party, and she’d resolutely encouraged me to take my chance.
Nobody I knew had a relationship with their mom like I did.
Sometimes, even now, the ache of missing her felt so intense I thought about doing exactly what Charlie did—isolating from the world so I never felt that grief again.
So I never had to get hurt. So I never had to love anyone enough that losing them would break me.
And I’d been like that for a long time, throwing myself into work, climbing the ranks, disappointing the memory of my mom who had told me, even with her last words, that there was nothing in this world more important than love.
“Don’t let this break you,” she had told me, frail and dying, trying to impart all the wisdom she had within the space of a few days.
For the past year, I’d been working fourteen-hour shifts at the restaurant in Malibu, begging the investors of the Chicago restaurant to bring me in early, to not let a month lapse between jobs.
I’d been in LA trying to avoid anything that reminded me of my mom, which was, of course, impossible. Everything reminded me of her.
And then I saw Charlie in the dining room of Wavy and a bolt of lightning hit me, like suddenly I was alive again.
Like I was my teenage self, getting up the nerve to talk to my crush.
Like maybe my mom had sent her there, to give me a second chance with the only person that had ever made me nervous, had ever made my breath hitch in that unmistakable way.
In high school, Charlie had been complex, intense, studious, and she’d kept to herself.
Her mom was like a mythic figure of Hollywood royalty, inhabiting the Magic House that everyone talked about.
But, Charlie also had that magic. Everyone liked her, even if nobody really knew her.
She was funny and sardonic and completely impervious to the peer pressure everyone else succumbed to. She was wholly herself.
But when I saw her in the restaurant, I knew something had changed her. She was slow to smile and, even when she did, it never quite lit up her face.
Despite her rule, I still thought maybe I could bring her back, maybe I could figure out a way to make her smile and keep doing that for as long as she’d let me.
But, she didn’t want me—for longer than a month, at least. She’d told me so many times.
Suddenly, I got to my feet, intent on leaving. This was stupid, standing outside while Benny and Jackie had a family reunion. I felt like a fourth wheel, hanging on to people that didn’t want me there.
Even though I knew the Magic House was just a myth, the night I made dinner, I’d desperately wished for Charlie to change her mind, to even consider the possibility that what we had was special enough to pursue.
A foolish cry into the void.
Walking away, I wiped my eyes dry. Sometimes you don’t get what you want, like mothers who get to watch you grow up and a woman who loves you back. It was time to finally board that plane and get on with my life, to throw myself back into work.
Behind me, I heard a strong patter of running and I shifted to the side, thinking it was a staff member attending to an emergency, but instead I heard Benny’s voice scream, “ALEX, WAIT!”
“What’s going on?” I asked, dread piercing my chest. “Is Charlie okay?”
“She’s good,” Benny said. She was in front of me now, breathing hard. “She wants to see you.”
I reeled back, stumbling to the wall behind me for support. “She does?”
Benny nodded. “Be prepared, though,” she said, eyes wide. “She’s like... very different.”
My heart sank. “In what way? Is she okay?”
“I don’t even know how to describe it,” Benny said.
“Good different? Or bad different?”
“Good, I think.” She shook her head, like she was shell-shocked about this development. “She said she experienced some sort of vision while in the coma. She saw her life twenty-five years from now and she’s determined to change. I’m cautiously optimistic.”
“Does she seem out of it?”
“No, that’s the weird thing. She’s clearer than ever. You know how sometimes you’d be with Charlie and she’d go someplace else? Did you ever see that? Like, she drifted off to a dark place?”
“Yes,” I told her. “A couple times. I felt like I’d never reach her again.”
“Well, now her eyes are bright. When she looks at me, it feels like she actually sees me, like she really loves me. It’s bizarre.”
“But, a good thing?”
“Maybe,” Benny said, shrugging.
“You don’t trust her,” I remarked, less question, more statement.
Benny nodded slowly. “I love her so much, but I don’t know if she’ll ever change.”
“Give her a chance. You heard the doctor. It’s a miracle she survived. That can really change people.”
“You were leaving,” Benny said, as if she just noticed it. “You know, you don’t have to come back. You can go. She may not be different. I can tell her you were gone already, if you want me to. I don’t want her to keep hurting you.”
Benny’s words lingered and I considered leaving. I could walk away now and not take the risk of getting hurt by Charlie, not wait around to see if she had really changed. This could be my out.
Could I stand it if I let her back in and she rejected me again?
What would I regret more—walking away or going back?
My mom had lived by the code of no regrets.
She’d thrown herself at everything she ever wanted, with complete and total abandon.
She had come from nothing and risen through the ranks of Hollywood, becoming one of the most influential producers.
She had been purposeful and steadfast in her commitment to never leave any dream untouched.
When she was dying, she told me, “I wanted to do more, but I am full of all that I did. It’s better to try and fail than to regret your own inaction.
” I was by her side constantly, soaking up every last bit of her wisdom before she left this world.
Sometimes, I could still hear her guiding me, little whispers of encouragement.
In that moment, her voice came through clear as a bell, that dry wit of hers imploring, “This is Charlie Quinn we’re talking about here, Alex! You know you can’t walk away from her! Go. Don’t even think about it. Just go!”
“Of course I can’t walk away,” I told Benny.
She smiled. “Good man,” she said. “I would not have blamed you if you left, but I wanted to make sure you were coming back for Charlie and not out of some misplaced obligation.”
“She really wants to see me?”
“She almost jumped to her feet when I told her you were here.”
I felt almost faint with relief, but I didn’t know what it meant. Maybe all she wanted was to apologize. Or, just to say bye.
But I’d regret not seeing her one last time, even if this was the last time.
And the only way I could think to honor the memory of my force of a mother was to live without regret. That was one of the only things she ever asked of me. Even if I loved Charlie without receiving her love back, at least I loved.
It was worth it just to be able to say I tried.