Chapter 49
Charlie
I t was as though hours passed between the time Benny went to get Alex and when the doorknob finally turned. I didn’t know what I’d say to him or if he’d even be willing to talk to me, but then he was in the doorway, leaning against the frame, looking vulnerable in a way that had my chest aching.
“Alex,” I whispered.
Mom left the room, knowing when to take a hint, and Alex moved toward me. Lying in the hospital bed, I had to let him come to me. I deserved his reservedness. Absolutely deserved to be the one yearning for him this time.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “How do you feel?”
“I’m a little sore,” I said. “But I feel okay.”
“Good,” he said, seemingly relieved.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No, Charlie, you don’t need to apologize. Really. I pushed you too hard. You were clear about your rule and I kept violating that boundary. You don’t owe me anything. You were honest.”
“Fuck the rule,” I said. “I’m an idiot.”
His eyes widened and the slightest hint of a smile played on his lips.
“Alex,” I continued. “I had this vision during the coma and you had met someone else. You had a family. And I was so angry with myself for letting you go. I can’t let that happen.
I have a second chance and I’m not going to waste it.
Actually, it’s more like a third chance with you.
I know this is impossible to ask, but can you stay?
Can you not go to Chicago? Let’s open a restaurant together.
I’ll bake bread and manage everything. I’m very organized and diligent!
We can open it here in LA. Or, hell, we can go to Chicago.
I don’t care. Wherever you are, I want to be there.
I don’t know what will happen with us, but I know I lose you if I don’t try.
I want to take the risk. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. ”
No part of me felt afraid saying any of this.
In fact, I felt nearly dazed with freedom that I was opening myself up, finally.
Funny how you can think that the strong thing to do is to abstain, but the truth that I could see now is that the strongest people are the ones who keep getting back up, no matter how bruised and broken they’ve been.
“You’re serious?” he asked. He stepped a little closer to me. Just the slightest amount, but I clocked it.
“I literally could not be more serious right now,” I said, heart beating wildly. “I even have an idea for the name of our restaurant.” I remembered it from the vision.
“I already have one picked out,” he said, moving a little closer again.
He was two feet away and I wished I could close the gap, wrap him in my arms, feel the warmth of his lips on mine again.
I’d thought I’d never get that chance, that I was stuck in the future, that Alex had moved on and I’d been the one to set him free to love someone else.
Shivers erupted across my skin.
If the name he picked out was the same one from the vision, I would know for sure where I’d gone during that coma was somehow real, that it was a sign, a warning, a chance to do my life all over again, to love openly and wildly.
“Is it... The Perfect Bite?” I asked tentatively.
Alex doubled back, mouth open in shock, and shook his head in disbelief. Goose bumps erupted across my skin and that sparkly buzzing on the crown of my head magnified.
“How?” Alex asked, his voice shaking. He kept opening and closing his mouth, like he had no idea what to say.
Tears cascaded down my cheeks.
“Unbelievable,” Alex murmured. “Then again, sometimes I swear I hear my mom’s voice in my head, so I mean, anything is possible.”
All I felt was a serene peacefulness, like someone who was standing in the middle of rubble, all walls broken down, knowing she would never need to reconstruct them again.
Walls only created regret, and I knew where that led.
Never again , I thought to myself. Never again will I close myself off to life. Never. Again.
“Something I need to know,” I said into the silence we were existing in, both suspended in our collective bewilderment of all that had just transpired.
“Hmmm?” Alex replied. “Tell me.”
“Alex Perry, will you let me love you? Can I try? I really want to love you. Even though I don’t deserve it, can I cash in my third chance with you? I won’t mess it up. I promise.”
He froze, watching me, like he was assessing the truthfulness of what I was saying. I couldn’t express more sincerity if I tried. Pleading with my eyes, I tried to convey all that I had seen, all that I knew now.
I’d tell him about Noah. I’d tell him everything, reveal every secret, and I’d ask him to reveal all of himself to me. I would not let any of these people fall through my fingers again, would love them so fiercely they’d get sick of me.
The alternative was hell.
He inched closer and my breath hitched.
“You just might be the love of my life, Quinn,” he said softly. “So, my answer is yes. I’ll stay. I’ll go where you go. I’d regret it forever if I didn’t.”
I scrunched my eyes from happiness and relief and when I opened them, they were blurry with tears and Alex was in front of me, close, his hand in mine now.
“Kiss me,” I told him. “Please. I thought I’d never get to kiss you again. So, kiss me.”
“Yes, Chef,” he said, smiling, and my heart felt as though it may actually burst from my chest.
He leaned down, and his lips met mine, and they tasted so sweet, felt so warm, and there was absolutely no sense of hesitation within me.
When he finally pulled away, he whispered reverentially, “So it is the Magic House.” He cupped my face with his soft hand. “I kinda wished for you. I didn’t really think it would happen, but it did. Somehow, it came true. What did you want most?”
“Nothing,” I said, thinking of the emptiness of before, when I realized I had nothing I wanted, nothing to really live for. “Actually, maybe that’s not true. I think I wished for something to fight for. Something to want again. Something to love.”
“And then you have a vision of what it’s like if you never wanted again? Never loved again? Closed yourself off?” He looked a little awestruck.
“Wild,” I told him. “I may have to concede to the Magic House.”
He smiled. “You just might.”
And then he leaned back down and kissed me again.
We stayed like that for a while, like two people who’d found what they thought was lost forever.
In that moment, I realized that you don’t get the love without the risk of grief.
You don’t get the laughter without the risk of silence.
You don’t get the joy without the risk of loss.
I’d never cower in the face of risk ever again.
The risk was worth it. Every single time, it was worth it.
I’d say yes, yes, yes a million more times—live so heart wide open I’d never protect myself again.
That was the new promise I made, in a nondescript hospital room, surrounded by incredible people who were just waiting to love me.
I let them.
Finally, I let go and let them all the way in.
But, you know what was better than being loved by them?
Getting to love them back.
That was the real magic.