CHAPTER THREE #2
“Honestly?” And this part, at least, I can claim to be.
“Maybe you coming to Hawaii did give me the idea to come. What doesn’t sound inviting about Hawaii, right?
But then I guess I wasn’t paying attention when I went online checking resorts.
” Resort. I checked out one resort. And I didn’t even go to the website.
Just scanned the info that came up in Google maps because the location seemed like the only real information I needed at the time.
But I can’t get that specific right now.
So, I shrug and narrow it down to the simple bits that apply.
“Just kind of scanned the basics, like distance to the ocean and good restaurants, and went for it.” Location.
I scanned the location. That’s it. Wasn’t until I landed, and I asked someone working the nearest airline counter which car service would be best from the airport to the resort – or what I’d stupidly assumed was a resort - that I was filled in on the horse-related details.
“Seriously? That’s how you wound up here? Because of scanning?”
I don’t answer right away.
Part of me is tempted to just blurt out the truth. Tell her everything.
But I can’t get myself to say the words out loud.
It would be wrong to tell her now when I was too much of a coward to say the words I came here to say earlier, in front of her family and Oliver, whatever he may be to her.
I want to convince myself he’s still insignificant. She’s made no mention of him or any meaningful relationship before now. The kids haven’t uttered a single word suggesting their mother is dating anyone, or even interested in dating.
But it’s Nessa. She’s always been good at compartmentalizing her life.
Her feelings. If I had been honest with myself about how deeply she’d honed this skill over the years, maybe I would have understood sooner that her need to forge a new path would mean leaving the old, weathered, and worn one we traveled together.
Instead, I let myself believe our adventure was the foundation of everything we sought, separate or together, and that in the end, our journeys always led back to the same path and to each other.
Except the last time they didn’t.
I sigh, letting the moment pass on the exhale, and all the words I want to say with it.
Then, I force a quiet laugh and shake my head. Because I’m an idiot. In more ways than one.
“Pretty dumb, right?”
NESSA
Not nearly as dumb as he must think I am if he expects me to believe all of that. And he can’t possibly. But whatever it is he’s not ready to say, isn’t my job to force out of him. Not anymore.
“It’s certainly not a story I would go around retelling people,” I remark dryly.
He chuckles, tilting his head down at an angle, making strands of his long black hair fall over his left eye. “No, I guess not.”
Now that I’m not flustered by the near collision anymore, my levelheadedness is being slowly restored.
But it’ll swiftly disappear again if I continue to stand here, staring at him and his rich, golden-brown eyes, stupid long lashes catching in his messy hair.
It’s also not helping my mental clarity that he’s shirtless, muscles rippling with every in and out of his heavy breathing, sweat still pearling over his otherwise smooth skin, trailing their way down until they blend into the black of his tattoos.
Not to mention I’m close enough to...well, I’m close enough to do a lot of things I have no business doing now, especially since there’s apparently a Kenley in the picture, but annoyingly, still have the desire for.
Feeling my face flush hot, I step back and pretend to study the trail we’re on in great detail. “I don’t suppose you remember which way either of us was traveling before you nearly ran me over?”
Whether he noticed me blush or not, he doesn’t show. Just looks back and forth along the path for a moment. “Um, no clue.” He takes a few steps in one direction as if searching for something familiar. Then repeats the act going the other way.
“Nothing?” I start to retrace his steps. Maybe something will trigger a flash of recognition for me. Doubtful, since I was so busy staring at my phone screen, reading while walking, I never even saw Matti coming.
“Nope.” He turns back to look at me, grinning. “Good news is, either way will lead us back to the ranch, right?”
“There is that.” I’m suddenly wiped out though.
Between the traveling, my sisters, and their scheming, and now Matti and this Kenley business, I feel like I just tapped empty.
If one way is closer to my destination than the other, I’d prefer to be headed in that direction.
“If you had to guess, which one do you think is the fastest way back?”
He shrugs, laughing. “I would have to guess to answer that.”
I make a face. “Fine. So, pick a path and I’ll take the other one.”
His expression changes. For a second, sadness surfaces in his eyes. He recovers quickly, smirking. “I suppose that is the way we do things now.” His eyes don’t smile. They just stay blank.
“It seems to work for us,” I agree. I don’t know why I do. I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it at all. But I want to. Now more than ever.
He nods, slowly starting to jog in place. “I’ll take that way.” He points ahead to the left of me.
I swallow down any attempts to undo what I’ve done and point out how stupid it is to go separately when we’re both going to the same place, and instead turn myself away from him, toward my chosen end of the trail.
“Try not to run anyone else over,” I call out, eyes cast at my phone again, though I doubt my brain has the capacity to read anymore.
Motivated to put this moment behind me as fast as I can, I speed up to a powerwalk my physical body would argue it lacks the energy for. But anxiety, anger, and pride make for explosive fuel, and so I march on, putting more and more distance between us.
The symbolism here isn’t lost on me. We’ve been here before. Maybe it wasn’t a collision the first time, but something imploded and I couldn’t see my way home. So, I took the only way I could find, and it led me out. Out of the life I knew. And out of my marriage.
I was lost, and selfish though I knew it was, part of me wanted him to find me.
Even if he never asked me to leave, I wanted him to ask me to stay. Something I knew he never would. While I knew he loved me too much to hold me, I wanted him to be selfish, as weak as I was, to cling to me with the same desperation I felt in wanting him to chase after me.
The way I want him to chase after me now.
“No!” I hiss, scolding myself. “Stop that!”
But I can’t stop.
And I’m starting to think I never will. And the dread which follows that thought is almost more than I can bear.
“There you are.”
I look up, startled at the sound of another voice. This time, the person attached to it is several feet ahead of me, having stopped at a safe distance.
At least Oliver is paying attention even if I still seem incapable of it.
“Mind if I join you?” he goes on when all I can manage is to gape up at him speechless.
“Not at all.” I practically stumble over the words but at least I get them out. “Company would be nice.”
“Great.” He reaches my side and gestures for me to carry on walking.
I feel a little odd having him join me just to walk back the same way he came, but I’d feel odder still to deny him. Which leaves us here.
On an odd walk together.
“So,” Oliver says after we’ve been going along in silence for a while, “it occurred to me, that you may know as little about me as I apparently know about you.”
I assume he’s referring to the part where he only just discovered I was once married to a famous musician. I can’t imagine why my sisters failed to mention that to a man they were attempting to set me up with. Even my internal dialogue is flooded with sarcasm. Because, of course, I can imagine why.
“Should we scrap what we’ve been told and start fresh?” I offer, forcing a smile. It’s not that I mind the company, just that my head’s still spinning from the conversation I had before this one. With Matti.
“I’d like that.” He holds out his hand. Apparently, we’re doing this full-out. “I’m Oliver. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
I take his hand, making up for a lack of enthusiasm with plenty of awkwardness. “Nessa. And the pleasure is all mine.”
“Tell me, Nessa. What do you do?”
“Well, Oliver,” I start, slowly getting into the vibe of things now.
“I own a yoga and wellness studio, which basically means I get to stress myself out trying to make sure everyone else is finding ways to ground and relax.” I make a face to let him know I’m joking.
Sort of. Some days I do find myself enmeshed in the irony of having an internal anxiety attack due to overwhelm whilst leading a meditation class.
“How about you? What is it you do, Oliver?”
As ridiculous as I feel having this conversation, part of me is curious to hear how he’ll answer.
I always find it interesting to hear how people believe others will perceive their chosen careers.
Especially having just learned the guy before him was a rock star, I can imagine it’d be tempting to lean into the prestige of his accomplishments in the medical field.
“Fittingly enough, I too have made health and wellness my life’s work.” He smiles. It’s charming, as is his answer. “We’re practically a perfect match,” he jokes. Though there’s a sweet twinkle in his eyes leading me to think, some small part of him is still hoping it’s true.
I choose to pretend I don’t notice and instead laugh, playing along. “It’s almost like my sisters put some thought into this setup.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, finally letting some of the tension this trip has caused melt away. “What was it that made you want to pursue a career in medicine?”
His joking demeanor fades, and he gets serious.
“I come from a family of doctors. Both my grandfathers were doctors. My parents met at medical school. Following along with everyone wasn’t just a natural progression in my family, it was expected.
” He kicks at some fallen pinecones in our path.
His tale sounds oddly familiar, but I don’t say so.
I just listen for him to keep going. “Wasn’t until after I’d been practicing medicine for three years and signed up to participate in Doctors Without Borders that I finally found my heart in it.
” He smiles again. It’s different this time.
Softer. More genuine. “Here it was easy to go through the motions, show up and do what was asked. Don’t get me wrong, I always worked hard, always gave my best, but it took being in a jungle with limited staff, limited medical supplies, and an excess of patients to fully understand the value of what I could offer.
Suddenly, I wasn’t just going along with my family’s expectations, I found my own goals to strive for, my own dream in their grand design. ”
“That’s beautiful.”
“That’s life.” He casually slips his hand into mine as we walk, and I have flashbacks of being thirteen and Mitch Havertown making that same move while walking me to school one morning.
Thirteen. Wow. Is that really the last time I was out in the dating scene?
I brush off the thought by blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, “Matti was supposed to be a lawyer.” Probably not the best thing I could have brought up, but there it is, so I’m going with it.
“Every male in his family has had a career in the legal field. Most are lawyers, some are judges. One of his cousins is a paralegal. He was the family’s greatest disappointment.
..at least until Matti announced he was going to be a musician. ”
If I’ve made Oliver uncomfortable, he doesn’t show it. If anything, he looks amused. “Didn’t go over well, huh?”
I grin. “It’s been over twenty years and half of them are still in denial.”
He shakes his head, chuckling. “That’s nuts. The dude is such a tremendous success. You’d think they’d be able to get over it after one or two world tours of playing for packed stadiums.”
“You’d think so, but no. Not so much.” I laugh too.
“So, you two are still pretty close, huh?” His tone is still as light as before, but I can see the weight of his question in his eyes. It’s a fair request, wanting to know if I’m truly as available as my sisters implied I was when they duped him into coming here.
“We’re...familiar.” I shrug, letting my gaze sweep the ground at our feet.
“It’s hard not to feel close to someone when you’ve known each other nearly your entire lives.
But it’s a closeness rooted in the past, we’re hardly in touch now.
We exchange the basics required for co-parenting, but outside of that, I wouldn’t say we’re particularly involved in each other’s lives.
Hell, most of the time, I have to check the band’s Instagram account to find out what town he’s even in. ”
“Is that why you two split up? Because he was always gone?”
I look up to meet his eyes before I answer.
Nothing in them suggests he still believes Matti cheated on me.
Maybe I was wrong, and Roni didn’t tell him about her theories on my divorce any more than she mentioned who my husband was.
“No.” I muster a smile. “It was never the being apart. It was us. Doing what Matti does, having the dreams he had, we learned early on that the only way our relationship would survive, would be to always be willing to set each other free. If our hearts were anchored in each other, our souls could roam. And it worked for a long time. Until eventually, we got so good at setting each other free, I guess we forgot how to hold on.”
“Not holding on isn’t the same as letting go, you know,” he says quietly.
“No, I suppose it isn’t.”
A dull ache throbs in my chest.
And it has little to do with the fact Oliver just let go of my hand.