CHAPTER ELEVEN
MATTI
“Damn.” I shake my head at the lot of them. “For people I used to think of as family, you’re a shitty group of traitors.”
“Come on, Matti.” Roni doesn’t sound at all as encouraging as her words might suggest. It’s more of a sneer really. A taunting if you will. “I thought facing your fears was what this trip was all about.”
She’s not entirely wrong.
Even if the fear I came to face has little to do with horses.
Still. It’s high time I do what I came here to do. And if I can’t get a moment of her undivided attention without facing off with a horse first, then I’ll face the horse.
“I’ll do it,” I announce, louder than necessary. Once I thought the words, they just kind of exploded out of me. Mostly, I think I just needed them out, heard by others, so I couldn’t talk myself out of the decision again.
“Great,” Frank looks pleased, though there’s a sense of confusion still hanging on his face, like he knows something else is going on here and he just can’t put his finger on it.
Yet. He will soon enough. Everyone will.
“Come on over and I’ll talk you through what we’re going to do.
Then we’ll go in, and you can practice it with Jasper. Sound alright to you?”
“Sure.” I swallow down every desire to decline the offer and instead force my feet to move one in front of the other until I reach him. Once there, I stay safely on my side of the open stall door, firmly planted on the cement flooring of the barn aisle.
“First thing we’re going to do is introduce ourselves,” Frank explains. “You know how dogs get to know you through smell? Horses are a lot like that too. If you ever watch them interacting, they’ll often blow softly into each other’s nostrils.”
“You want me to blow into the horse’s nose?” God, I hope he says no.
“Not necessarily.” He chuckles. “I’m just preparing you in case he tries to do it to you. If you suddenly see his muzzle moving for your face, just know he’s not trying to bite you.”
“Okay.” I’m still backing the hell up if it does though.
Frank goes over a few more basic instructions.
Most I’m familiar with, thanks to the many years and countless attempts of people trying to ease my fears of horses.
Don’t startle them. Don’t walk up from behind them without warning.
Watch their ears. And their eyes. That’s how they’ll communicate fear and agitation to you. The list goes on.
“So,” Frank reaches for a halter hanging on a hook just outside the stall door, “you ready to do this?”
I take the halter being offered to me and nod. “Let’s get it done and over with.”
Frank chuckles again. I notice he’s been doing this every minute or so since interacting with me. I’m sure I look like a fucking idiot to him.
“Remember, I’m gonna be right behind you in case you need help, but I’m gonna let you run the show in there,” Frank says, stepping aside to usher me into the stall. “And if you both pull it off, there’s a treat at the end.”
“For me or the horse?” I’m joking. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I want a treat for what I’m about to do.
“Both of you.” Then he laughs again. Damn cowboy.
Jasper, a decidedly large horse for one who’s supposedly still a teenager, is mostly brown with a black mane, except for one white leg and a large blaze covering nearly the entirety of his face.
Ness would probably say he’s a pretty horse.
I can’t personally see that right now, but I’m sure it’s possible it’s true.
“Hey, there,” I mumble quietly, keenly aware of the importance regarding not startling the horse.
He snorts in response, lifting his head from the hay pile he’s been enjoying and which he clearly finds more interesting than the likes of us, hanging around outside his door. Or inside, as the unfortunate case may be.
“Sorry to interrupt your breakfast,” I go on, daring another step closer. “If it helps, I’m told there will be some sort of reward for the both of us if you let me do what I’m here to do.”
Jasper seems disinterested in my offer. Instead, he drops his head back to his hay and begins munching on it again.
Fear starts to spiral inside me. One irrational thought after the next piles on as I’m confronted with the prospect of having to approach this horse which is so clearly not wanting to be bothered.
Not to mention, he’s no longer looking at me, so he can’t see me move closer.
And I can’t see his eyes. Or get a good angle on his ears.
Are they turned back? Are they listening?
Are they flattening in anger? Fuck me, this horse is going to kill me.
Either with a swift kick to the head or by way of a heart attack.
“You good, partner?” Frank asks when I haven’t moved or spoken in who knows how long.
“Oh, yeah.” I nod, a little too frantically for my own liking. “I’m good. I’m good.” And now I’m repeating myself. All signs I’m losing my shit right here in front of everyone.
I take a breath and try to center myself.
When I can’t gain any distance from my rambling thoughts by going within, I do the only other thing I can think of.
I start to hum. The first song that comes to mind is a new one Knox played for me just the other day.
We worked on it a solid morning while stuck on the bus, working out the instrumental elements.
Guess that’s why it’s still stuck in my head now.
In any event, music seems to do the trick for both of us, because I’m calming down and the horse suddenly finds me of interest.
I hate to admit it, but this end of the horse, with his soft nose and curious eyes, isn’t nearly as terrifying as I always imagined it. This dude isn’t scary at all. Hell, I think I may even like him.
“You going to be cool if I put this on your head?” I ask him, holding up the halter. He gives it a good sniff and then practically drops his face into it. “I see you’ve done this before.” I laugh quietly to myself, fixing the strap with the buckle before I pat his neck.
“Look who suddenly became a cowboy,” Nessa teases from behind me. For a moment there, I nearly forgot we had an audience.
“Nice work,” Frank seems to agree with the sentiments. He hands me a lead rope and points to the aisle. “Why don’t you go ahead and bring him out and I can give everyone a quick lesson on grooming and tacking up to ride.”
“I believe you mentioned there would be a reward?” I tip my head toward Jasper. “You’re not going to make a liar out of me in front of the horse, are you? We just barely started building this trust between us.”
Frank grins. This time at least, I feel like I’m in on the joke. “This is the reward. You get to ride him. And Jasper gets to go out on the trail.”
I’m not sure it’s the treat I was hoping for.
On the other hand, I don’t mind not having to meet another horse today.
Nope, don’t mind it one bit. Even if I do recall the words ‘wild’ and ‘testing the rules’ being mentioned during our initial introduction to Jasper.
I suppose we have those things in common.
“I’m good with that reward,” I mumble, mostly to the horse. “You cool with that too, bud?”
I’m not sure what sort of reaction I’m expecting from him, but Jasper practically nods his head in response. I’m guessing he’s really just trying to free his head from my grip to get back to his hay, but I’ll take it as his ‘yes’ either way.
“We’re good,” I tell Frank, finally taking the rope from him.
Hooking the clasp to the halter is easy enough. Walking side by side with the horse does stir up a new bout of anxiety. It’s hard not to notice the massive amount of power moving directly beside you. Kind or not, one wrong move from either one of us and his weight alone could do me in.
“I’m sure it’s not as dramatic as you’re making it out to be,” Nessa whispers as we go by, tapping a finger to her own head as if she’s been reading my mind.
It’s both comforting and unnerving how she can still do that.
Thankfully, I only have a few steps to take before I hand Jasper over to Frank for the lesson and forge a direct path back to the last row of our little group huddle.
“Not bad, Benning,” Nessa mumbles, smirking at me. “You’d think after nearly thirty years, it’d be impossible for you to impress me, but it seems that’s not the case.”
“Trust me, there’s plenty more where that came from.” I wink at her. Mostly, because it usually makes her laugh and I could do with a lighter energy after facing off with a fear I’ve harbored nearly all my life.
This time, however, she stays silent.
NESSA
Matti has winked at me hundreds of times over the years.
It’s always been silly. I’ve always cracked up at the sight.
Today when he does it, something is different.
I can’t put my finger on it, but something between the butterflies suddenly raging at the pit of my stomach and an instant desire to throw myself at him, lips crushing into his on impact, suggests the cheese factor has disappeared.
“We better pay attention to Frank.” I almost cough trying to get the words out. My voice still feels strangled, this unexpected wave of emotions leaving me damn near breathless.
“Good thinking.” Matti faces the front, but I can see him continue to glance my way out of the corner of his eyes. I do my best to ignore it.
I still fail, but as it’s my best, there’s nothing I can do about it.
Whatever lessons in grooming and saddles and bridles we’re taught, go in one ear and out the other, my brain never catching even a word, too busy trying to sort out everything that’s transpired in the last twenty-four hours. And more importantly, what I’m hoping the next twenty-four will bring.
Could Matti and I really be headed for a second chance? The thought alone is enough to make me want to break into a happy dance, grooving my way from one end of this barn to the other. But it also kind of terrifies me.