CHAPTER ELEVEN #2
If Vale is right, if Matti is all in with me, with us, while I’m still straddling the line between what I wish for and what I think is possible, is it fair to even entertain the notion? To risk Matti’s heart a second time?
I just don’t think I can take a chance on us if it means taking a chance on hurting him like I did before. I don’t care what spin Vale wants to put on it. It’s more than my stubborn streak holding me back. It’s guilt. And an endless desire to never hurt either of us again the way that I did.
“Nessa?”
I’m ripped from my unraveling mind by the sound of my name. The way Matti says it, makes me think it’s not the first time he’s tried to get my attention. “Huh?”
“I said, I’ll see you out there.” He frowns, clearly wondering where my mind’s been at.
“Frank is splitting us up to go get the horses ready. You’re going with Camilla.
” He points at a young woman talking to Roni and Anna, decked out in the same standard, beat-up blue wranglers and red button-up shirt that seem to be the uniform around here.
“Got it.” I nod, trying to catch up to current events as they’re unfolding.
“You’re really going to do it. You’re going to ride a horse.
” I’m not asking. After what I saw him do in that stall, I know he’s going to see this through.
I just want to say it out loud. Let him know in my own way how proud I am of him for facing this fear that’s been holding him back since childhood.
“I’m really going to do it,” he confirms.
I smile. “Good luck.”
“I don’t need luck.” He winks again. Goddammit, what is it with those winks all of a sudden? “If you believe I can do it, I’ve got all I need to make it happen.”
My heart about catches in my throat.
I haven’t heard those words in over twenty years. But I still remember the last time like it was yesterday.
Matti and Knox had just decided to take the Wilds on the road.
It was a crazy idea. They had no money, no manager, and a vehicle that was far from reliable just getting across town, let alone from state to state.
The week before they took off, Matti was hit with a crippling fear.
All the reasons it would never work, that it was a horrible plan, that failure was imminent, rattled through him non-stop for days.
And every time he spoke those reasons out loud, I did my best to take them away.
When the guys finally packed up the Jeep, preparing to leave, I called out ‘good luck’ just as Matti was getting into the front passenger seat. He’d paused halfway and smiled. ‘ I don’t need luck. If you believe I can do it, I’ve got all I need to make it happen.’
He’d never had doubts like that again. Even in the years they struggled to gain traction, he pushed on, confident they’d make it.
And I forgot about that moment. About what I’d said. About how he’d felt.
Until now.
And now, I can’t help wondering if he’s held that moment and those words close to him all these years.
“If you keep zoning out like that, you’re going to end up falling off a horse. And then Matti will get scared all over again,” Tori says, poking my side to get my attention.
“Sorry.” I shake my head, blinking a second to try and get present.
She’s right, I can’t keep going down that trail.
For one, there’s too much happening right in front of me I can’t afford to miss, and two, I have no fucking clue where that twisted trail will lead, and I don’t fancy getting lost on it when I’m meant to be on vacation, semi-separated from reality as it is.
“This is Rosie,” Camilla, our new cowgirl guide, says as she gestures at a flea-bitten mare to her left. Yes, I know the colors horses come in. A middle school obsession with horse-themed books is paying off right about now. “Vanessa?” she says my name like she’s trying it out.
“It’s just Nessa. We all dropped the Vs.”
Camilla stares back a little stumped.
So, I elaborate. “Victoria, Veronica, and Vanessa.” I point at each of us as I say our names. “Tori, Roni and Nessa.”
She laughs, nodding her head up and down. “Got it. Alright then, Nessa, you’re with Rosie. Go on in and get acquainted with her before we bring her out to get her ready.”
I don’t hesitate. This is the part I’ve been waiting for ever since we decided on a dude ranch for our vacation. It’s also every bit the distraction I need to get my head straight again.
The bliss of standing next to this sweet mare is enough to wipe even Matti and all the mess and magic we’ve made and have yet to make, from my mind. Here, it’s just me and this horse.
At least until I hear Tori from the stall beside me.
“Weren’t you and Matti supposed to go for a ride on the beach on your honeymoon?”
I snort. “No. We were supposed to go on a guided windsurfing adventure, but the resort screwed up our booking and we wound up standing on the beach in wet suits with two horses, saddled up and waiting for us.”
“I take it Matti freaked.” I can hear her laughing to herself. She’s usually got a really boisterous sound coming from her even at the smallest level of delight, but I’m guessing she’s trying to tone it down for the horse’s sake.
“Not exactly.” He knew how much I loved the idea, how I’d been harboring a love of horses most of my life in a family where the money and interest in such things just weren’t there to support it.
Horses are a big commitment in both time and finances, and my parents had four kids with interests.
They couldn’t afford to throw so much at just one.
“I actually think he might have sucked it up and gone for it. Just to make me happy.”
“But?”
I run my fingers through the mare’s long mane.
It’s coarse and thick and wavy and I love everything about it.
“But I wouldn’t have been happy knowing he was miserable.
” She’s not the first person who’s asked me this over the years.
And every time someone’s posed the question, I thought it was an odd one.
Like the answer was obvious. “So, we scrapped the plans altogether and improvised.” Ended up walking the beach for two hours until we stumbled upon this amazing little restaurant right on the ocean, with live music and the best company we could have asked for.
We made friends that night we’ve been in touch with ever since.
Before the divorce, we even made time to vacation together every few years.
I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Not even a romantic horseback ride along the beach. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, you know,” she sighs, and I can’t help but picture her face first, nose buried in the horse’s neck, inhaling.
Because she’s also been harboring a love for horses since childhood.
“Just wondering if maybe this is his way of making up for it. Going horseback riding in Hawaii with you seems like a close second to a beach ride in Costa Rica.”
“Right. With all of you here, it’ll be just like a second honeymoon.” I shake my head at the notion. “I’m sure his mind is nowhere near there. Trust me, getting on a horse was the last thing he wanted to do in Hawaii. It was just an unlucky course of events that brought him here.”
“He wound up on vacation with you. I’m not so sure he thinks it was all that unlucky.”
I lean into the mare, and she’s kind enough to hold me. “I can’t tell where you’re going with this.”
“Funny, I was about to say the same to you.” I hear her move around the stall. A moment later, the creak of a wooden door follows, and a few seconds after that, she’s standing beside me and Rosie. “What’s the plan here? With you and Matti?”
“There’s no plan.” At least not on my end. “And even if there were, I don’t think I’d tell you.” I grimace at her. “You’d just try and sabotage it.”
She laughs. “I knew it. You want him back!” She claps her hands triumphantly.
“I’m not saying that.” I’m not saying anything.
“I know,” she laughs again. “I’m saying it for you.”
I cross my arms, unsure of her position on this new perspective of hers.
“And what? You’re going to talk me out of it?
Tell me how dumb I am for getting caught up in old feelings?
How foolish it is to consider making a major real-life change based on emotions triggered while on vacation, a literal escape from real life? ”
Tori stops laughing. “No.” She crosses her arms as well, matching my stance like we’re about to go toe to toe in some sort of a match.
“I’m not telling you anything. If you’d take two seconds to relax and just listen instead of jumping all over me, you’d notice that all I’ve been doing is asking questions.
My only interest in being here, in having this conversation, is to hear what you have to say.
” She makes a face at me. “So, you gonna fucking say something, or what?”
I frown. “I honestly have no idea what you want from me right now.”
“The truth. About you and Matti.” She leans in, eyes locked on mine. “About what you really want.”