Chapter 56
KAI
I just poured my heart out to Alex Taylor.
And now he was just staring at me. All wide-eyed, like I’d just said something impossible. His gaze darted across my face, left to right, frantic, like he was trying to take in every part of me at once.
Say something, I thought to myself . Just say anything.
But before I could even breathe, he moved.
He stepped closer, his breath catching, eyes flicking down to my mouth and back up again - terrified, hopeful, undone. And then he did something I never expected.
He kissed me.
Alex Taylor kissed me .
And God - it felt right
It felt like the world snapped back into place, like every thought I’d been drowning in all night suddenly made sense. His lips were warm, hesitant at first, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to want this - want me - but the second I leaned into him, something in him gave way.
When he pulled back, he didn’t step away. He just stared at me, his big brown eyes searching mine, our breaths mixing in the tiny space between us. His chest rose and fell too fast, like he was trying to catch up with what he’d just done.
And I couldn’t help it.
I reached for him - gently, desperately - and pulled him back in, kissing him again like I’d been waiting my whole life for this exact moment.
This exact feeling.
It was something I’d been searching for without even realising it. Like stumbling through life in the dark, never knowing the switch was right in front of me.
I had been in darkness. But Alex… Alex brought light.
But with light came responsibility. Consequences. Facing reality.
This - this feeling - was what I’d been running from. It had been catching up to me slowly, every moment I spent with Alex, every look, every breath, every stupid little spark I tried to pretend wasn’t there.
And now, I’m caught.
So undeniably caught.
Tangled up in everything to do with Alex Taylor.
Emotionally. Physically… recklessly.
The word threw me off-kilter.
This was reckless. Stupid. Out of control.
Where would we even go from here?
I wasn’t gay. I didn’t think I was. I wasn’t out, and I couldn’t just be out. I had my future to think of.
The thoughts rattled through me like loose stones, sharp and clattering, refusing to settle.
My whole life had been built on one straight line - football, focus, keep your head down, don’t give anyone a reason to look too closely.
And now here I was, standing in the wreckage of that line, staring at the one person who made everything blur and sharpen at the same time.
I couldn’t be gay. Not in my world. Not with everything I’d worked for.
But the terrifying part - the part that made my chest tighten - was that none of those thoughts mattered when I looked at him. Not one.
Because when I looked at Alex - really looked - the innocent tilt of his face, the slow hitches in his breath, the breeze lifting his hair - it all clicked.
Maybe it was reckless. Maybe it was stupid. But it was also exhilarating, heart-stopping, thrilling in a way nothing else had ever been.
And out of all the reckless things I’d done, somehow this didn’t feel like one of them.
Not really.
It felt like the first thing in a long time that made any sense at all.
“Are you okay?” Alex asked, his voice barely above a whisper, as his eyes searching mine for any sign of relief.
“I’m okay,” I said, forcing a smile, my gaze locked on his. “Are you?” I asked back.
He nodded, a small smile tugging at his mouth - the kind that made something inside me want to melt.
“I didn’t know you liked me like that, ” he said quietly, almost like he was afraid the words might break if he spoke any louder.
“I didn’t know I liked you like that,” I admitted, shaking my head, though I couldn’t bring myself to look away from him. “I’m not… I didn’t think I was…” The words tangled in my mouth, refusing to form.
I broke eye contact first, stepping back as the panic rose. I walked over to the bench and sat down heavily, running both hands through my hair. A shaky sigh slipping out before I could stop it, my elbows resting on my knees as I tried to steady myself.
Everything felt too close. Too real. Too much.
Alex’s gentle footsteps approached.
“Kai…” he said softly. “It’s okay. This doesn’t have to be anything… mean anything. You’re drunk, and this was…” His words trailed off, his throat working as he swallowed. “We don’t have to talk about this again. We can pretend it never happened.”
He shook his head as he looked down at me, and something inside me cracked. I didn’t want that. That was the last thing I wanted.
I reached for his hand - gently, quietly - and held it, pulling him towards me.
“No.” I shook my head, then looked up at him. “That’s not what I want… is that what you want?”
He waited a moment and then shook his head. “But I don’t want to make you upset.” his voice came out in a shallow whisper.
“You’re not making me upset,” I sighed, though he still didn’t look convinced. “You could never upset me. I’m just… I’m just confused. That’s all. I don’t know how to make this work.” I gestured weakly between us. “How to be gay.”
The words hung between us, fragile and trembling, like one wrong breath could shatter them.
Alex let out a quiet sigh and sat down beside me.
“Being gay… it’s not…” He paused, searching for the right words. “It’s not like everyone thinks. You don’t have to act a certain way. It’s not something you decide to be. You just… are.”
“I wasn’t… at least I don’t think I was before I met you…” I slurred, the words tumbling out faster than I could catch them. “It’s you, Alex… I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m not with you… When I don’t know that you’re okay.”
I shook my head, trying to steady the room, but the truth kept spilling out anyway.
“I’ve never had that before,” I said honestly. “I don’t know what’s happening to me.” I put my head in my hands, the dizziness rolling through me - maybe from the alcohol, maybe from the confession, maybe from both.
“It’s okay, Kai,” Alex said, placing a gentle hand on my back. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.”
I turned my head to look at him - really look at him.
My eyes traced the lines of his face, the way he held himself, the way his shoulders curled inward like he was trying to make himself smaller and those big brown eyes that always seemed to be scanning, bracing, waiting.
Something inside me twisted.
He wasn’t fine. He’d just learned how to say he was.
He’d built a wall so carefully, so quietly, that most people probably never noticed it.
But I had. From the moment I met him. He was always too quiet. Too jumpy. Too alert, like he was listening for something he hoped wouldn’t come.
But I couldn’t push. Not if I wanted to stay in his orbit.
“I know you say you’re fine.” I sighed, looking away, my voice softer now, almost afraid of itself.
“I am fine,” he whispered, but I could hear the waver in his voice. “I promise.”
“Well, I don’t believe you.” I put my head in my hands. “But I don’t want to lose you.” My voice cracked as I turned to him again.
A single tear slipped down my cheek before I could stop it. Alex let go of a breath and reached out, wiping it away with his thumb. The touch was so gentle it almost undid me, and I felt myself lean into it without thinking.
“You won’t lose me,” he said softly. “It’s just… complicated, okay?”
Then he pulled his hand back.
The absence of his touch felt louder than the words he’d just spoken. Like something warm had been taken away too quickly. His shoulders tensed, his gaze dropping to the ground as if he regretted pulling away but didn’t know how to stay close either.
“I know.” I sighed, leaning back. “I won’t push. Just… don’t shut me out,” I said, my voice unsteady. “Not now. Not after this.”
Alex’s breath caught - barely, but enough that I heard it. His eyes flicked toward me, then away again, like he wasn’t sure he deserved the plea or wasn’t sure he could promise what I was asking for.
For a moment, he didn’t speak. He just sat there beside me, shoulders tight, hands clasped together like he was holding something fragile inside himself.
When he finally did answer, his voice was quiet, almost careful.
“Kai… I’m not trying to shut you out,” he said. “I just… I’m not used to people wanting to stay, wanting to know me,” he murmured. “So when you say things like that… I don’t know what to do with it.”
I shook my head softly. “You don’t have to do anything with it.
Just… let me stay. That’s enough.” I took his hand, his palm soft in mine, and cupped his cheek - slowly, carefully, giving him every chance to pull away.
He didn’t. He nodded into my palm, a small, almost imperceptible movement, and something in my chest loosened.
I leaned in and kissed him again.
Small fireworks went off behind my ribs at the connection - not loud, not overwhelming, just enough to make the world go quiet for a moment. The worries, the confusion, the fear… all of it slipped out of focus until there was only him.
When I pulled back, my thumb brushed the side of his cheek, and that’s when I saw it - the tiniest wince. Quick. Controlled. Almost hidden.
But I felt it. And I knew him well enough to know he hadn’t meant for me to.
His jaw tightened for a heartbeat, then relaxed again, like he hoped I hadn’t noticed. Like he was used to swallowing pain before anyone could see it.
The warmth of the moment didn’t disappear, but it shifted - something tender folding into something fragile. My thumb stilled. “Hey… did I hurt you?” I whispered, my breath catching as I searched his face.
Alex shook his head and leaned out of my touch, his shoulders tightening as if bracing for something.
“Did someone else?” I asked, the words slipping out before I could stop them, my chest tightening with dread.
“Kai, don’t,” Alex said quickly, his voice small, and something hot and furious bubbled up inside me. Someone had hurt him - I felt it like a spark catching fire.