Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Romy
Zander and I have started doing nightly walks around the lake.
We talk about things, but nothing about the baby and all the questions we probably should be addressing.
He tells me about life on the road and funny stories about him and Beau when they were younger.
I tell him stories about growing up on Plain Daisy Ranch and the games I used to play with my cousins.
Before tonight, on all our walks, other than when we told my parents, we’ve never ventured over to my family’s part of the land. Where my parents live, Lottie’s finished house, Bennett’s house that’s under construction, and my vacant parcel of land.
I slow my walking when we come upon it. I’m not sure I’ve ever truly thought about the house I’d build here.
“So, this is my parcel of land,” I say, signaling to the empty piece of land in front of us. “This is mine to build on whenever I want.”
Zander steps up off the walking path, crossing the property line. “You have a great view of the lake.” He turns, facing me and staring as the sun sets on the other side. “Why haven’t you built here yet?”
“Finances for one. Second… I don’t mind living with my cousins. You know, I’m not really big on being alone.” It’s the truth, as embarrassing as it is. I don’t want to build a house, even if I could afford it, just to live in by myself.
“Why don’t you like to be alone?” he asks, coming back over and holding out his hand. “Walk it with me.”
I accept his hand and walk onto the land I’ve been ignoring until recently when I realized I’m the last one of my siblings to build here. “I’m a people person. I like to be around other people.”
“I can see that. You’re easy to talk to and enjoy sharing things with others.” His hand stays secure around mine. “We’re opposite in that way. I like being by myself, and I don’t open up to anyone.”
I knock my shoulder to his. “And why is that?”
He shrugs, his gaze not veering in my direction. “Probably because I’ve spent most of my life by myself. Most of it only being able to rely on myself.”
“Would you ever want to talk about that? Growing up in foster care?”
He stops us and turns me to face him. “There isn’t a lot to say.
There are successful stories of kids in foster care.
I’ve known a couple. But whatever you assume, you’re probably right when it comes to my experience.
And I’m not going to taint those rose-colored glasses of yours. I like that about you.”
I wish I could change his mind, but maybe sharing makes him relive it, and he’d rather keep it in the past. “Well, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
He squeezes my hand. “I know. Thank you…” He lets out a long sigh. “Anyway, Beau is on my ass about us making some decisions.”
I guess this is his way of changing the subject because he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. “I can only imagine. What does Beau want now?”
He chuckles, and we walk along the perimeter from the road that the driveway would be off and then circle back.
“He wants us to decide on how we plan to be co-parents, and he wants us to get some paperwork done.”
His Adam’s apple bobs, and his shoulders seem more tense. I’ve suspected and wondered why I haven’t been asked yet about a paternity test. He must feel uncomfortable bringing it up, so I might as well save him the trouble.
“You know, I mean it when I say I’ll take a paternity test. I’m sure Beau’s pushing you on it, and I’m fine with doing it. Please, just—”
“No, Romy. I don’t need proof.” He shuts me down quickly, his tone leaving little room for argument.
“You might not, but maybe Beau does, and I’m fine with taking it.”
His hand slips out of mine, and he runs it along the back of his head, tugging at his neck. “It’s unnecessary. I told him no.”
“Why? It’s a simple test. It’s not a big deal.”
“No, Romy. Jesus.” He looks out toward the lake, then his gaze lands on mine, but there’s something I can’t read in it. “I just… I don’t want you to have one. I believe you and trust you. If we’re going to make this whole co-parenting thing work, then we need to have that between us.”
Now I understand. “Okay. Okay then.”
“I don’t give a shit what Beau wants. I know that baby’s mine.”
“Paternity test is off the table then.”
His shoulders relax, and the tension between us dissipates. “But as far as the other stuff, yeah, we need to figure some things out. I’m gonna start a bank account, and there’ll be money in it for you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want your money.”
He huffs and turns his gaze away from me once again. “It’s not a buy-off, or that I think you need it, but at this point, I don’t know where I’m going to be living after I leave here. I just want to make sure you have everything you need.”
I frown. “What do you mean? Won’t you go home to Nashville?”
He laughs for the first time this walk, and it loosens something in my chest. “You think I live in Nashville in some big mansion or something, right?”
I shrug. “Isn’t that where all country stars live?”
He laughs again. “No, Romy, they don’t all live in Nashville.” He grins. “And now I don’t want to tell you where I live.”
My eyebrows furrow. “Why? You worried I’m going to become some kind of stalker? Newsflash, I’m having your baby. You’re kind of stuck with me for at least eighteen years.” I try to joke because the reality that I am pregnant with a man’s baby and I don’t know where he lives is an uncomfortable one.
He sits on the ground and pats the spot next to him. “You can stalk me whenever you want.”
“Well, you’re welcome to stalk me anytime you want too. Then why?” I sit next to him, the solid ground cool against my behind, and cross my legs, picking at the weeds.
He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t have a home.”
The weed slips through my fingers. “What do you mean you don’t have a home? Everybody has a home.”
“No, Romy. I don’t. I don’t have a home base.
I don’t own any real estate. I live out of hotels on tour or the tour bus.
When I’m recording, I rent a house wherever I’m at.
And if I have a short amount of down time between the two, I’ll just go somewhere and do the same. I’ve never—I don’t have a mortgage.”
“You mean you have, like, no things that belong to you? No couches, no… no bed… no pillows, no dishes, or stuff like that?”
He chuckles, and I wonder if he’s laughing at my na?veté. “I know what kind of pillows I like, and Beau just gets them wherever I’m at.”
“Okay, but that’s not the same, Zander. Everybody needs a home.”
“I don’t need one.” He stands and walks to the path again, not helping me up, which is how I know I’ve struck a nerve. “Don’t give me that sad fucking look, Romy. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. It’s my choice. My decision. I could afford ten houses in ten different countries if I wanted.”
“I know,” I say, getting up off the ground and dusting myself off. “I just… I’m not giving you a sad look.”
He doesn’t turn around, and I break the distance.
“I just… I want you to have a home.” What I really mean is that despite myself, I want to be his home, but I’m never saying that. If I do, I might as well get used to the view of his back.
His gaze stays on the lake. “I don’t need a home, but I do want my kid to have one.
I want you to build a house on this land, and I want that to be our kid’s home.
I know that I’m the dad, and I’m going to want to spend time with him or her.
And I’m hoping we can come to an arrangement on that.
But I’ll come back here, and I don’t care where I stay.
I’ll stay in that motel down the highway if I have to. ”
“No. You would stay here.”
He looks at me expectantly as if he needs more of an explanation.
I want to say, You would stay wherever I am. But I don’t think he wants that. So, I quickly add, “The Getaway Lodge is always open. The honeymoon suite is yours for however long you want it.”
My attempt at humor dies in the still air. He breaks the distance back to me.
“Romy, you’re going to build a house on this land, and you’re going to raise our kid here, and this is going to be their primary residence. I want them to have a place they call home.”
As thankful as I am that he wants our baby to be raised here, the idea tastes sour without him.
“And where does that leave you, Zander?” My question is barely audible.
He runs his palm down his short beard. “I don’t know right now.
But I’ll be a part of our kid’s life. Don’t ever think I’m going to dodge my responsibility financially or emotionally.
I will be their father. I might not be able to wake up with them every morning or kiss them good night every night, but that’s the thing about co-parenting, right?
I mean, all parents who co-parent have to deal with those nights they’re not with their kid.
And their kid learns how to manage between the two parents. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No. There’s nothing wrong with it,” I agree.
Nothing at all, even though I want to scream that we haven’t given us a shot. We don’t even know what we could be. God, I’m so fucking foolish for letting these feelings creep up on me. To think that there is something here, that something could work between us.
“Zander, you’re my family now. And I know that you might, like, find someone and marry someday…” I force myself to push out the words. “And she’ll be a second mom to our child. But this…” I take his hand and put it on my stomach. “This makes us family. We are a family.”
I swear wetness pools in his eyes, but he tears his gaze away from mine before I can tell for sure.
He straightens and removes his hand from my stomach. “It’s a good piece of land.” He clears his throat. “We should probably get going. It’s getting cold, and I didn’t bring a jacket.”
I nod and step on the path with him.
Hopefully one day Zander will be truthful about what he wants with me, but most of all, I hope he can learn to be honest with himself.