Chapter 40
40
AURORA
I feel hollow. It’s a sensation I haven’t felt for weeks. The space in my heart that was empty filled so quickly with love that I never had a chance to miss it. But now . . . now it’s cold and silent.
My head is lost in thought when Eliza looks up from her rocking chair and spots me lingering at the bottom of the porch stairs. I’m too early to be here for work, and one up-and-down look at my appearance has her beckoning me to her.
“Sit beside me,” she says soothingly, placing her yarn and crochet sticks in the basket beside her chair.
I sit beside her in silence. The chair rocks beneath me, and I grip the armrests tight for stability.
“You’re here early, my sweets.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Even after Johnny insisted on cooking for me despite everything that happened and I went to bed alone with a full belly, I tossed and turned all night. It was my first night alone in weeks, and the sheets still smelled like him. That made it all the worse.
“Does this have anything to do with why we were woken before dawn by Johnny on a tractor spearing bales?”
“He’s here already? ”
She eyes me curiously. “Were you hoping he wouldn’t be?”
“Yes.”
Humming, she drapes a hand over my wrist. “Would you like to tell me what’s goin’ on?”
“I’m leaving tomorrow. Just for a little while. I know I’ll be leaving you in a tight spot again after the chance you offered me, so I’ll be doing everything I can to work remotely on all the tasks I can do. You won’t be abandoned again,” I promise, having used some of the long hours this morning to plan out how I’ll work in Toronto. “I can do ninety-nine percent of the same work there. But I do understand if you want to replace me with someone else because of this.”
“Slow down. Tell me why you’re leaving first,” she says, rubbing my wrist soothingly.
I’m almost embarrassed to tell her why, and that’s all wrong. “Lee’s in town. He asked me and Wanda to go back to Toronto with him. It’s supposed to be a bonding experience.”
“Oh,” Eliza says, rolling her lips and blinking in surprise. “That’s a sudden development.”
“I know.”
“And you chose to go? He didn’t force you to say yes? Because I have no problem sending the boys after him.”
“No, he didn’t force me. I want to go. It’s a good chance to get what I’ve been wanting.”
“It’s certainly a change of heart. Did he explain why that happened?”
“No. I’d assume it’s guilt, though.”
She nods. “There’s nothing like the lingering weight of a heavy conscience to change a man’s mind.”
“If this is my only chance, then the reasons behind his actions don’t matter. I just want closure. I need it.”
“And is the only way you can get closure through leaving, Rory? Or is there another way? I don’t want you to leave, honey. And that’s me being both honest and selfish. I’m too old not to be both. ”
I wring my hands in my lap and look around the house for any sign of Johnny. If I see him now, I don’t trust what I’d do. He can’t be anywhere near me right now.
I almost changed my mind once last night, with his hands on my face and his honest declarations swirling around my soul. I’m not strong enough to do it again.
“If there was another way, I wouldn’t contemplate this one,” I say.
She hums again, rocking her chair. “What is it you want more than anything, Aurora?”
“Right now?”
“No, not just now. What do you want for your future? What is it that you want from life?”
My mind goes blank. Tugging in my brows, I part my lips before closing them again.
“I asked myself that question a million times before I had an answer. But once I had it, it made every decision easier. There will always be hard choices in this life with more than one route to take, and I find that it’s important to make sure we don’t jump at one before investigating the others,” she adds.
“What if I can only see two routes?”
“You came here for answers, Rory. But you got a lot more than you bargained for in the process. I love you like family, and regardless of where your life journey takes you, you will always have a place here with us. That’s my promise to you. A love like the one you have here, with not only the Steeles but with Johnny and your girls, can create a beautiful life.
“I can’t tell you what to do or which path to take. I understand why you feel like taking the one that leads to Lee, and I respect you for your loyalty. My only advice is to remember that home isn’t always a place but a person or a group of people. And family is made from love, support, and respect. If anything, please just remember that. Carry it with you wherever your journey takes you, even if it doesn’t lead you back to us.”
“I love you too, Eliza,” I whisper, feeling that familiar burn climbing up my throat that I’ve been battling since yesterday. “Thank you.”
She gives my wrist a squeeze, her smile soft and warm. “You’re welcome. And as far as work, I will not be replacing you. You take whatever you need with you, and once you’re back, you can get back to normal.”
“Both you and Johnny seem certain I’ll be coming back to stay.”
“Should we think differently?”
I almost laugh because no, they shouldn’t. The decision was made for me the moment I started falling in love with this place and the people here. There’s nothing waiting for me back in Calgary. My mom is happy with her husband, and we’re not worlds apart with me here and them there.
“No you shouldn’t,” I say.
“What are you going to do about James and Bernice? Would you like me to tell them?”
I hunch my shoulders and lean over my lap, sighing. “No. I’ll do it. They’re staying here, right?”
“I’m damn sure Bernice has been watching us from the living room window from the moment you pulled up.”
Glancing at the window, I catch the blinds smacking against the glass and stifle a laugh. “You don’t mind if I speak with them now?”
“Go ahead. Investigate every route.”
I dip my chin at her before standing and leaving her to continue crocheting. The inside of the house smells like cinnamon and bacon, and suddenly, I’m wishing I came earlier to catch breakfast. But then again, maybe it’s better I have an empty stomach. Just in case.
Bernice is perched on the edge of one of the two armchairs in the living room, while James stands beside the fireplace with Wade. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen all three of them, but the last time I saw Wade, he didn’t look as bothered as he does now .
I don’t know if that hard expression is pointed at me or if he just naturally looks like that under normal circumstances. There must be a reason why all the ranch hands always straighten up when he’s near. Maybe who I’m seeing now is the Wade Steele the world knows and not the one who melts around his wife. The brutal rancher who has the respect of every single person in Cherry Peak and those hundreds of kilometres outside of it.
Bernice perks up when I step into the room and clasps her hands in her lap. “Aurora! Good morning.”
“It’s Rory to everyone but Johnny,” Wade corrects her gruffly. I didn’t know that he had picked up on Johnny’s nickname for me or that he realized I loved it. Darlin’ of all things shouldn’t make me as happy as it does. “She prefers Rory, just like I already told you both.”
Blushing at the mention of Johnny, I stare at him questioningly. He simply lifts his shoulder. Appreciation flutters in my stomach, a sense of acceptance following.
“Rory,” James echoes. “I think I like that even more.”
“Did your mother choose that name for you for a certain reason, or did it just call to her?” Bernice asks.
“I’ve never asked her that.”
The corner of her mouth lifts. “Maybe I will, then. If I get the chance one day.”
The statement is simple, but it has a much weightier effect than I think she was intending. The insinuation that she’s planning on being in my life long enough to see my mom again has me dreading telling them what I need to all that much more.
I look at James and gesture to the second armchair. “Do you want to sit so we can talk?”
He takes a seat quickly, whether he wants to or just doesn’t want to risk telling me no. I wouldn’t have cared either way.
“What do you want to talk about?”
“I’m gonna head out,” Wade announces, stepping my way. Stopping shoulder to shoulder with me, he lowers his voice and meets my stare head-on. “Already told ’em to answer all your questions. So grill ’em, Rory. If you need Eliza or myself, just shout. I’ll be wranglin’ that man of yours back into shape before he runs over my cattle with a fuckin’ tractor.”
“Thank you,” I blurt, a lump building in my throat.
“Don’t thank me. I take care of my family” is all he says before leaving.
My eyes burn as I focus on my grandparents, my next words sounding dead wrong. “I know you came all the way down here to meet me, but I’m leaving tomorrow. Lee asked me and Wanda to go back to Toronto with him.”
“He what?” James asks, that soft tone of voice hardening. “Why?”
“Bonding, I guess. You came all this way, so I just wanted to apologize.”
Bernice raises a dainty, wrinkled hand to her chest. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
I don’t believe her, but I push forward anyway. “I had things I still wanted to ask. Is that okay?”
“You leaving changes nothing,” Bernice declares.
Seeking confirmation from James, I look his way. He nods quickly. “Sit first. If you pace, I’ll start pacing, and I already went for my walk this morning.”
“Don’t act like your doctor hasn’t told you multiple times to take more than one walk a day,” his wife chides as I sit on the love seat. Then she tells me, “High blood pressure. Too many bags of ketchup chips in his younger days.”
“You can never have too many bags of ketchup chips.”
James claps and points at me. “That’s exactly it! See, Bernie?”
“Don’t tell me you prefer salty to sweet too?” she asks, humour colouring her words.
“Guilty.”
“That’s what I like to hear. But back to the ketchup chips. What brand do you prefer? And know there’s only one right answer.” James grins.
I don’t hesitate with my answer. “Old Dutch. Hands down. ”
He claps again, grin spreading wider. “That’s right.”
“We’re not supposed to be fixating on chips, James,” Bernice says.
Sobering at her tone, he sucks in his laugh. “Right. Ask your questions, please, Rory.”
“Okay. How well did you know my mom?”
Bernice is the one who answers. “Not well enough. We met her a handful of times, but once they left Cherry Peak, Lee didn’t like coming back.”
“You’re the second person to hint at him hating it here. Why didn’t he like it?”
“Because here, nobody cares who you are. Sure, there’s a shock factor to coming back, like I’m sure he’s experiencing walking around town now, but it isn’t because of his fame or success. It’s because he abandoned this town and his family for a taste of the good life. Cherry Peak wasn’t big enough for him. He wanted more, and he burned every relationship he had in this town to get it. The one he had with your mother especially,” James explains coolly.
Nothing he’s said surprises me. I believe every word. “You truly didn’t know my mom was pregnant then.”
“No! If we had, we would have been there. She would have been taken care of. You both would have been,” Bernice says, voice shaking as she lifts her shirt sleeve to the corner of her eyes. “Thirty years, Eliza said. We lost out on thirty years with you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Maybe not. But pain doesn’t care who’s at fault,” she says with that same soft, motherly tone that Eliza has. “You’re so beautiful, Rory. You’ve got Rose eyes. That deep blue that draws attention everywhere you go.”
“It was the first thing I noticed when I saw Lee.”
“I’m not surprised. They’re usually the first thing everyone notices about us,” James adds. His eyes are just like mine and his son’s .
Bernice releases a breath. “What else do you want to know, sweetheart?”
And so starts a two-hour conversation about anything and everything from what my great-grandparents’ names were, what James and Bernice did for work before retiring, to if Lee is their only child.
He is, but Bernice has three sisters, all of whom had three children of their own. That was only the tip of the iceberg. Turns out that I have more cousins and second cousins than most people have members in their entire extended family times three. I lost count after the second set of names.
It’s an information dump in the best way. I ingest the information with greedy nods and even more questions. The two of them don’t hide anything from me or ignore any part of my curiosity.
I slowly let them in, and by the time we finish, I grow to hate my decision to leave that little bit more.