Chapter 10
Our walks to the coffee shop have been one of my favorite times to spend with Ev.
He leaves his car on campus and walks me to work each day.
Then he gets a coffee, always a Leo, and walks back to campus for practice.
He offered to drive me, but I enjoy the walk.
Maybe when the weather turns too cold, I will take advantage, but not during the beautiful fall season.
“I have an idea.” His fingers laced with mine come up to his mouth, and he places a kiss to each of my knuckles. Our hands together contrast so vividly. My golden skin to his pale, rough skin.
“Oh no.” I flash him a sarcastic smile.
“Oh no is right. I want all your facts. Right now.”
I stop in my tracks. “No.”
“Yes,” he says as he steps in front of me.
“You can’t have them all at once!” I say louder than intended, and some nosy teenagers look our way.
“Why not?”
“Because…I…”
I actually don't have an answer for him. He raises his brow, daring me to try him. He sees my stubbornness coming out, but he also knows I can't resist him when he is sweet. He steps even closer, brushing his chest with mine. He grabs my hands and laces them behind his head. Then he grips my hips.
“You want me to beg? I’ll get on my knees. Right here, right now, and beg. In front of all these people…”
No. Nope. Not happening.
“That is not playing fair, and you know it.”
He begins to drop to one knee, but I grab his stupidly perfect face in my hands and pull him up. “Jesus! Fine! Okay, you can have them all right now.”
He stands to his full height now and looks down at me. His smug look makes me want to slap him. “God, I hate you.”
“Nah. We both know that’s not true. Hand ’em over, pretty bird.”
He steps back so I can grab them out of my bag, and I reluctantly hand them over to him. Lord help me, he is going to run for the hills after he reads these. I intended to administer my darkness in small doses, not all at once.
As I do, I recall each one that I wrote.
Thank you for sharing your facts, your truths.
You have given me patience and understanding.
Here is your reward: 7 facts about me.
Fact 1.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
I have never allowed myself to dream that far ahead.
I know I want to get out of here and go to college, but beyond that, I don’t know.
I’m hoping once I'm not living the life I am now, more dreams and goals will come to me.
It’s like they are tucked away, hiding in the closet, waiting for the monsters to go away before they will come to me.
But for now, my goal is to survive…
– Leo
Fact 2.
Lucky number 7.
I noticed you that day too.
I remember it vividly because I had never been looked at that way you looked at me.
Like I was real.
Like you were actually seeing my heart and not my skin and clothes.
I had butterflies in my stomach all day that day and every day after that I saw you.
But I always knew deep down that I wasn’t good enough for you.
I’m still questioning that.
– Leo
Fact 3.
You are ridiculous. I smell like cinnamon and coffee because I work in a coffee shop and my favorite drink is topped with cinnamon.
And I’m pretty sure they do make car fresheners with that scent.
It’s not a particularly unique scent.
I’ll get you one for Christmas, if you're lucky.
– Leo
Fact 4.
I love to draw. Mostly pencil drawings since I don’t have any other materials to work with, but I love to bring a moment in time to life with drawing.
It’s different than a photo. A photo you can’t change.
A drawing you can change that moment. Make it your own. Make it how you always wanted it to be.
Everett. Definition: Brave
– Leo
Fact 5.
I’m terrified of losing you. I’m terrified of you finding out that I’m not good enough.
Revision: Everett. Definition: Brave (except when it comes to spiders.)
Noted.
– Leo
Fact 6.
I have always been at home in the dark.
It’s comforting. Nurturing. Safe.
Your darkness is safe with me.
You say I’m your light, so give me your dark.
I’ll keep it, accept it, love it.
– Leo
Fact 7.
I have never thought of having children.
I have never allowed myself to envision a family for myself.
Thinking about it now, though, I could see myself as a mother.
I would be the mother I never had.
I wouldn’t put my children down. I would build them up.
I wouldn’t make them feel worthless, like a burden.
I wouldn’t take away their childhood. I would let them be a kid.
I wouldn’t beat them for their mistakes. I would guide them through their struggles.
I wouldn’t hit them, burn them, starve them. I would love them, adore them, and console them.
I wouldn’t let them believe they were unworthy of love.
I would not be like my own mother.
– Leo
“Why thank you,” he says, kissing me. He pulls away with the intent of a quick kiss but seems to change his mind once he has tasted me.
He grabs me by the nape of my neck, the other hand wrapping around my waist, fully encircling it with his long arm.
When he holds me like this, covering my entire body with his own, I am protected.
His tongue traces my bottom lip, asking for permission, but he is always welcome.
I open for him, allowing him in, giving him my surrender.
My hands snake between his sweater and letterman jacket.
I grip the knitted fabric, holding on for dear life.
When we pull back after what feels like a lifetime but not enough time, he rests his forehead against mine.
"Thank you, Leo. I know that giving me pieces of yourself is difficult. But know that I will take care of them. All I have ever wanted is you, pretty bird. You don't need to be scared. Nothing will take me from you."
I giggle, but it's full of doubt. "You sound so sure. You don't even know what's in those notes. I could confess that I am a serial killer."
"Then I'll be your next victim." There is a light in his eyes now.
He knows that I am trying to hide my insecurities with humor, and he plays right along.
It's one of my favorite things about him.
He doesn't push me. He gently guides me to safety with his love and acceptance.
I keep waiting to find something wrong with this man—anything, really—but I am still waiting. He is perfect.
“Are you still coming to the game?”
They have a home game tonight, and I told him I would go with Gage. Gage was reluctant. He doesn't go to games. He's more of a homebody who tries to hack the FBI. But Ev asked if he would go with me. He knew I wouldn't go if I had to go alone.
“Yup. I’ll be there.”
He pulls me close and kisses me. He kisses me as if trying to consume my sadness.
As if he could siphon away my sorrow with his lips.
It’s addicting. I feel like it’s just us, in this dark and cruel world.
When I’m wrapped up in his arms, the rest of the world is a blur. It’s the few times I feel whole.
The game isn’t till seven, so I have some time to kill. I head to the coffee shop to work till 6:30 and find that the shop is quiet. Unusual for a Friday. With the shop so close to the stadium, we usually get a pre-game rush, but I guess not today.
The bell overhead announces my arrival. Ski is behind the bar, drying a mug.
“Hey, old man. How was your day?”
“Hey, sweetie. It was good. Pretty busy, actually. Even though it doesn’t look it now.”
“Well, I’m glad.” I make my coffee and take a sip then catch Ski staring at me with his brow raised.
“What?” I let out an annoyed sigh.
“You over-frothed your cream and forgot your cinnamon. You never over froth and forget your cinnamon. What's on your mind?”
What is wrong with me? “Oh my God. No wonder it tasted off. I'm afraid I'm a little distracted today. Might not be at peak Leo performance.” I top it with cinnamon but leave the cream. It will mix in.
“Ahh, it’s okay. Even off your game, you still make the meanest cup o’ joe.” He comes to stand next to me, both of us leaning back against the bar. He uses his shoulder to bump my own, although because I am so short, it’s more like his elbow that bumps my shoulder. "What's wrong, sweetie?"
“Everett. I told him about my mother.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing. Yet. I wrote it in a note and gave it to him right before the game. With prepping for the game, I don't think he will read it till later. At least, that's what I'm hoping, I want one more night of him before he decides I'm not right for him.”
One thing I have always appreciated about Ski is how he takes his time before responding. It's like he listens and then digests what you said so that his response can be meaningful. And he always offers advice and words that are never wasted; everything he says, he means.
“You know, I never liked the mayor. Biggest prick I ever met. But if he raised a son that you fell in love with, then he must have done a decent job. You guard your heart with an iron will, only letting a few in, and there is nothing wrong with that. I understand it. You have to trust in yourself enough to know that whoever you let your guard down to will take care of your heart.”
“You think so? You think he will accept me, knowing where I come from? He isn’t like me.
He has everything he could want for, a future that is so bright no matter what path he decides to take.
But if he is attached to me and all my baggage, I’m afraid he won't reach his true potential.
I know that he cares for me enough to sacrifice his future.
I don't want that, I don't want to drag him down.”
“Maybe being yours is all he wants. We can’t decide for others what their future should be like. That’s his decision. And if he chooses you as his future, you need to trust that it’s what he wants.”
When I don't respond right away, he continues. "Did I ever tell you about how Millie and I met?"