Chapter 16
After I showered, washing the two sticky flavors from my body, we go to the shop and speak with Ski.
He is more than understanding when I tell him what happened.
It is hard to talk about. Even with the men I know love me, it feels impossible to fight the demons in my mind that tell me I’m worthless. I’m too damaged to be loved.
I think I break his heart a little when I confess that he is the only person who has shown me kindness in my life—well, until Ev, that is.
I think he feels guilty that despite listening to my wishes, he still thinks he should have done more for me.
I don't think I will ever be able to convince him that trusting me, showing my kindness, and respecting me is more powerful than anything he could have done.
Having Ev next to me, holding on to my thigh under the table gave me the strength I needed to tell my truth. It felt good letting it all out. Everything that had happened and continues to happen to me. I tell them about my dad leaving my mom and her blaming me.
Ski closes the shop to allow me to vent, and after spending hours telling my story, we spend the rest of the day setting up the office for me to temporarily stay.
I asked Ev to stay behind when it was time to go to my home.
Despite him knowing everything about me, I still couldn't stand letting him see where I live.
As always, he respects my wishes, reluctantly and with a pout, but he still does.
After my mom leaves for work in the city, Ski and I head to the trailer, and I pack a bag of my few belongings.
I make two boxes of mac 'n' cheese and put it in the fridge for her.
A part of me knows that she won't allow me to stay away for long.
In her own way, she is dependent on me. She may not notice my absence for a couple days but she will when the laundry piles up or there isn't any food left in fridge.
The ride back to Ev’s house is quiet. So much has happened yesterday and today.
My mind is buzzing. The reality is that Ev and I have many challenges ahead, and it’s utterly terrifying.
We are two teenagers trying to navigate adult problems. But let's be honest, I've never thought like or acted like a teenager.
I've never had the luxury of that. And now I am dragging Ev into my complicated life.
"Are you okay, Leora?"
I look to Ski, who looks back at me with more love and understanding than I am deserving of.
"I'll be okay. I'm just… scared I guess. There is so much in my life that is uncertain. I've only ever had to worry about me. But now Ev is in my life and I feel a sense of responsibility to keep him safe to."
"That's not your responsibility, sweetie."
"Isn't it though? He didn't choose this. I am a mess, Ski. I bring a mess of baggage with me. It's not his fault I am so… me."
He pulls the car over and brushes the curls out of my face. Similar to how a father would look at their own daughter and his face softens. "But he did. He chose you, Leora. And it was a wise choice. He knows all about where you come from and what you have been through and he is choosing to stay."
A tear falls from my eye, "I wish he would chose someone else."
Ski lets out a big sigh, "We can't help who we love, sweetie.
Love isn't a choice, but staying and fighting is.
We can chose to take the easy road and sometimes that means we give up the people we love.
But we can also choose to take the difficult road, struggling and fighting for the ones we love.
And I'll let you in on a little secret, the fight is always worth it. "
The silence fills the cab of his truck as I take in his words. Am I strong enough to fight for him? He seems so confident in what he wants. I wish I was brave like him.
"Leora."
I look back to Ski, his face stern again, his eyes challenging me.
"You have to fight. You can't run your entire life. I don't want to see you give up on a love so beautiful because you are scared. That boy is obsessed with you. He loves you. You need to let him."
With that he puts the truck in drive and we continue our ride in silence. I don't know how much fight I have in me.
Getting back to the house, Ev takes my bag to his room, and I follow behind quietly.
He gently and silently strips me naked and tucks me into this bed.
Then I feel his warm, naked skin pressing against my own.
His fingertips tracing my scars. His commanding but gentle lips leaving kisses to my shoulders.
Then a soft kiss to my newest scar on my neck.
I feel his soft touches slowly healing my sharp edges.
“I’m in love with you, Leo.”
I go to respond, but he quiets me. “Shh. I don’t need you to say anything. I know how you feel about me. I just want you to hear me when I tell you that I will love you for the rest of my life, pretty bird. Go to sleep.”
I close my eyes and I feel the burn of tears building behind them.
Something in the way he spoke to me tonight, touched me, felt like a goodbye.
Like an acceptance on his part that I may not be strong enough to let him love me.
But tonight, tonight I can. I let him hold me, console me, heal me. In the way only he can.
***
The next morning, another note was left for me on Ev’s pillow.
I’m so fucking proud of you, Leo.
You’re the strongest person I know.
I’ve decided, forget culinary school.
I want to be you when I grow up.
Come down when you’re ready.
I’m waiting for you.
I’ll always wait for you.
– Ev
Sunday, after I eat breakfast, I head into Mill’s. Ev has an errand to run, so he drops me off.
“Good morning, Ski.” I greet the old man with a smile.
“Well lookee here. Leora, you’re shining.”
I smile and look at my toes. “Am not. You’re seeing things, old man.” But I can’t even deny that I feel different. It’s crazy what sleeping soundly and feeling safe can do to a person.
“Hmm. I’m old, but I’m not that old.”
I put my black half apron on and begin setting up for the day. Weigh out my espresso beans to calibrate the machine. Refill the grinder, start the drip coffee, and make sure the fridge is stocked up front as well as in back.
Then I make myself and Ski a Leo and wait for our first customer.
“Are you being safe?”
I am not under any circumstances talking about sex with Ski. That’s a resounding heck no. And a heck no to being safe…damn.
“No comment.”
He just shakes his head and chuckles to himself.
“Okay, okay. I know you don’t want to talk about that with me. But I also know you don’t have anyone else, so just know, if you have questions or need anything, you can come to me.”
I look over at him. I hadn’t even realized that he was right. Most girls have moms or at least girlfriends to talk about this stuff with. Because I’ve never had it, I guess I forgot to miss it. All I have is Ev and Ski and maybe Gage too. And that’s all I need. That and birth control.
I give him a reassuring smile and nod. Hopefully he can see that I will, if I need to.
I was actually thinking this morning that I need to talk to Ev about getting on birth control.
I don’t know how to go about that since I don’t have insurance and I don’t want to tell my mom.
Maybe the school nurse can help me find resources?
I make a note to see her after break. Until then, Ev and I need to be extra careful.
I would propose abstinence until then, but let's be honest, that’s not happening. So condoms it is.
A few hours later, the bell dings and Ev and Gage walk through the door.
And for the millionth time, I take note of how flawless Everett is.
He is in a pair of khaki jeans and that brown sweater I love.
He has a white tee under it, just poking out from the neckline, and he is wearing his letterman on this cold November day.
His wavy golden hair is tucked away under a Red Socks baseball cap.
I have to force myself to stay still, when all I want to do is jump into his arms. Knowing he will catch me and kiss me into oblivion.
“Hi.”
He is looking at me like I own his world. Maybe I do, because he sure owns mine. More than that, he is my universe.
“Hi. A Leo?” I ask a little shyly.
“Yes please—oh, and can you add honey on top?”
My eyes widen, and he winks.
“What about you, man?” His flirtatious eyes leave mine as he looks innocently to Gage.
“An Americano.” Gage’s fingers tapping on the counter draw my attention momentarily. I can imagine he doesn’t know what to do with those fingers when they aren’t on a phone, wrapped around a coffee, or typing away on his gadgets.
“Your loss. A Leo, honey, and cinnamon.” He lets out a playful moan. “Practically an orgasm in a cup. Don’t you think, pretty bird?”
His mocking expression makes me reach across the counter and slap the bill of his ball cap.
Gage’s eyes bounce back and forth between Ev and me. “I don’t even want to know what this is about.”
Laughing, Ev pays and then slides his receipt over to me. A note is scribbled at the bottom, as always.
"I’ve got a tongue like a razor
A sweet switchblade knife
And I can do you favors, but then you’ll do whatever I like."
– Ev
I give him a glare. Another receipt I have to hide from Ski.
I immediately recognized the lyrics from “Rocket Queen” by Guns N’ Roses. I shake my head at him and hand him his cup with my note written on it.
"Don’t ever leave me, say you’ll always be there.
All I ever wanted was for you to know that I care."
– Leo
I give him the last lines of the same song.
A truth hidden in music. I’ve never been one to listen to music all that much.
I never really had the means to do so, but now I love to listen in Ev’s truck.
Oftentimes, Ev and I will hang out in his truck at lunch or after school before practice.
These solitary moments are where I truly fell for him.
I find so much comfort in the sad truths that these bands have turned into music.
Makes me feel a little less alone in this world.
And as I write the lyrics on his cup and he walks away with his goofy smile, I hope and pray with all that I have that he knows how deep the truth in these words runs in my heart.