Chapter 17
Ihad the most perfect weekend with Ev. I still can’t stop smiling, feeling so hopeful that this is something that will last. I feel like I had a glimpse into our future.
Playing house with him. Him cooking for me, showering together, getting ready together, going to bed together.
We read books while snuggled on the couch.
He even taught me how to play chess. Which I still don't understand.
We talked about our future, our plans. How we will manage things when we graduate.
Which was extremely difficult because his answer to anything was, "Whatever you want, I'll make it happen.
" Or it was, "We will figure it out when we come across it.
" Which made me want to strangle him. I'm a planner. He knows this. I can't just wing it.
But despite his frustrating nonchalance, I never tired of him. Never felt that sense of fear that tends to creep in at night.
Ev and his family are out of town this week for some event, and the ache that I feel in my chest from not seeing or hearing from him is torture.
I am not sure how I became so dependent on him for my own happiness.
Deep down, I know that this is not healthy, I should be able to find happiness on my own.
But I can’t help it. He is my light, and although I have lived in and found comfort in darkness, being with Ev has made me want more, need more.
I try to focus on my studies. Despite our plans for after high school, I am still in need of a scholarship to be able to afford a college education. As I drag my eyes over the same paragraph that I should have annotated thirty minutes ago, I hear Gage’s deep, rumbling timber.
“Leora, can I join you?”
“Would it matter if I said no?”
“No. Not really,” he says as he shrugs then sits across from me.
“This is weird.” I close my book because, let’s be honest, I’m not going to get anything done.
“Is it?” His tone is flat, completely unbothered by my nervousness.
“Yes. You don’t like me.”
He tilts his head and his brows pull in, making a small crease between his hazel eyes.
“I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't like you. Who told you I don’t like you?”
I’m slightly taken aback. Okay, what is going on?
“No, uh, no one. I just… Well, you always seem to be in a grumpy mood around me. I just assumed.”
“You assumed because you are used to protecting yourself, thinking everyone dislikes you until proven otherwise. It’s how you justify your decision to remain a loner.”
“I—”
Jesus. Way to call me out.
“I… Uh. Don't sugar coat it or anything."
"I don't sugar coat anything." He continues to flip the pages of his book, trying to find his spot.
"Yeah, I can see that. So, you do like me?”
“I don’t dislike you.”
“Cool. Yeah, that clears things up. Thanks.” I hope he can hear the sarcasm in my voice.
Gage and I have only ever been near each other when Ev is around, he is like our buffer. But without him, I’m not really sure how to talk to Gage. He has always been a bit of a mystery. Completely opposite to Everett in every way.
“I don’t like seeing Everett risk his heart on someone who is a flight risk.”
I want to be offended. But I’m not. I am a flight risk. But I wouldn’t go without Ev.
“You love him?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“Like a brother.” He continues to look at his trigonometry book like he is actually able to hold a conversation and retain the information he is reading. Although Gage is incredibly smart, so maybe he is.
“I would never hurt Ev. I love him, Gage. You know this.” I reach out and lay my hand on Gage's arm. The action was meant to be comforting, but Gage’s eyes snap to mine and he jerks his arm away.
“Yes, and I know that love is the most effective way to hurt someone. The sharpest tool to extract the worst pain. You both speak of love like it’s some great thing. It’s fire. It’s warm and comforting until it’s not.”
His words resonate in the most familiar way. “You’re right, Gage. Loving someone is incredibly painful. I know that. I love someone who hurts me every day. I know what you’re fearful of. I won’t do that to Ev. I promise you. I want to protect him just as much as you do.”
“Do you promise, Leora?” The cold rumble of his voice is gone now, replaced with a vulnerability that I didn’t think and never thought I would hear from Gage.
“Pinky promise.” I hold out my pinky to him, but he just looks at it then back up at me with an unsure gaze. Deep in those hazel eyes, I see something shift. A spark of trust. He is giving me a piece of him that no one else gets.
“I don’t do the touching thing. And I don’t make childish pinky promises. Words mean shit.”
I pull my pinky back in and fold my hands into my lap, feeling like a scolded child. The old me would have stayed quiet, hidden away. But something in Gage pulls my darkness to the surface. He makes me want to fight.
“I agree. Words mean nothing, Gage. But do not sit there and try to use your scare tactics to keep me from Ev. What he and I have is real. It’s deep.
It’s for life, and I’m sure you don’t believe any of that, thinking this is some temporary fling, but it’s not.
And I don’t have to defend or prove shit to you.
So, you might as well stop being a dick to me and just face the fact that I am going to be here, in his life, for a long fucking time—and yours, if you’ll let me. ”
I take a deep breath. Jeez, that felt good. And did I swear? Man, he really does pull the fight out of me. I should tell people how I really feel more often. That was liberating, and apparently it was for Gage, too, because he actually grins.
At me.
Then he chuckles. “Finally. There is your fire. You’re going to have to fight in Everett’s world. It's ruthless. Glad you have some in you.”
Did I just gain a little respect from Gage? I think I did. I smile, feeling very proud of myself.
“So. You never told me how you and Everett met.”
“Are you asking or making a statement?” Back to his cold, broody monotone.
“Asking,” I say a little hesitantly.
He turns to me, fully now, eyes narrowed. His presence is commanding. Unlike Everett, who is my big goofy golden retriever, Gage is like an intimidating Doberman. He is fierce and beautiful, and I respect the hell out of him, but I don’t want to snuggle him.
I swallow, roll my shoulders back, sit a little taller. I see what he is doing here. He wants me to be more direct, more confident. I need to, to survive in Ev’s world. Okay. Challenge accepted.
“How did you and Everett meet?” I try to put as much confidence into my question as I can, but it still holds a level of fear. I’ve never been the bold type. I’ve never been the one to defend myself, always afraid of what others would think or how they would react, but I need to conquer that fear.
“Better. We will work on it.” He turns away now, giving me his side profile again, and goes back to reading his trigonometry book.
“It was in sixth grade. My dad liked my hair on the longer side but I hated it. So while I was at school, I took some scissors and cut it off. When my dad picked me up, he got out of the car and was… a little rough with me."
I gasp and hold my hand up to my mouth. “In front of everyone?”
My shock doesn’t stem from the abuse—that’s a normal part of my own life. What shocks me is that his dad would be so public with it.
Gage continues, his voice numb. “Everett was walking to his own car. He ran over kicked my dad in his leg. Demanding he let me go. It was the first time anyone had ever defended me."
It seems Ev has saved more than one person from people who should have but never could love their own children.
“That sounds like something he would do. He is incredibly brave.”
“Or incredibly stupid.” Gage tries but fails to hide his grin.
"Did your dad… does he…" I don't even finish my sentence.
Gage pierces me with his hazel eyes and narrows them on me. As if he is deciding if I am asking out of genuine care for him or out of an obligation to pretend to care because he is Everett's best friend.
He must see that I genuinely do care because he gives me an honest answer. "He doesn't anymore. I grew up."
An understanding passes between us. Two people cut from the same cloth. Given a life we don't deserve but must survive.
“You know what I think? I think you and I are going to become best buds, Gage.”
He rolls his eyes and throws his head back. “God help me.”