Chapter 22
Ihaven’t brought myself to take a pregnancy test yet. I know what it will say. But once I take the test, that will make it real.
I still haven’t started my period, and the nausea has gotten worse. My breasts are so sore that every time Ev bites at them or grabs them, I have to try to stop him without making him suspicious. I don’t want him to think I don’t like it anymore. But damn it hurts.
The last month, I have been different. I know I have.
He knows I have. But my nerves are eating me alive.
I don’t know what we are going to do. A baby changes everything.
Every plan we had needs a rewrite. I know I need to tell him.
I know he will be there for me, but a small part of me worries that he won't. Those pesky demons from my past making an unwelcome appearance.
I worry that I have already derailed so many of his plans that this will push him over the edge. It will be too much.
Before him, I never thought of being a mother, and after him, I knew I wanted to have his children. But not now. Not yet.
He asks me every day if I’m okay, and every day I tell him I am, even when internally, I am fighting my biggest battle. I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push. He is patient with me. As he always has been.
When his voice isn’t getting through, he uses our notes.
Pretty bird,
You’re running from me.
Maybe not physically, but your mind is miles away.
But don’t worry. I’ll catch you. I always do.
When you’re ready, I’ll be here.
I’m waiting for you, beautiful.
– Ev
My reply to that one was simple.
I’ll come to you.
When I’m ready.
Give me time.
– Leo
But when nothing changed and I still couldn’t bring myself to face our truth, another note came.
My Leora,
You're running further and further from me.
Did I do something?
Was it my parents?
Don’t let them put doubt into your head.
It’s you and me, Leo. Always.
Just talk to me, baby.
I love you.
– Ev
I hated that he thought he did something.
That he could ever do anything. He has been nothing but caring and supportive.
Patient. Relentless in his pursuit of loving me.
In showing me how to love myself. It kills me that I haven’t told him.
But I’m not brave enough. Not yet. So I choose to be a coward, my biggest fear playing in my head over and over.
What if he is like my father? What if he leaves and chooses his own, unencumbered path?
It’s not you.
Phoenix.
– Leo
Then another.
I’m a desperate man here, Leo.
I’m going insane.
Where are you?
You’re so far from me now.
But it doesn’t matter.
I’ll catch you.
There is nothing you can do or say that would make me change my mind about you.
I’ll be waiting for you.
– Ev
God, he is killing me. I can’t take it anymore.
I have to tell him. I have been so distant from him.
We still kiss and hang out, but I barely speak.
I can even see the worry in Gage’s eyes.
He knows something is wrong too. Even Ski has asked me what's up, and I just keep lying. On top of that, the nausea has been relentless. Thankfully I don’t throw up all that much, just if I eat too much, which has led me to not really eat at all.
Which in turn leads everyone to worry even more.
I finally took a test last week. And like I knew it would be, the blaring plus sign filled my mind with worry, but my heart?
My heart grew in my chest. Knowing Ev and I made this perfect little blip.
As scared and uncertain as I was of what our future would look like now, this baby was part of him, and because of that, I loved our little blip so much already.
I decided to put my big-girl panties on and tell him, and on my birthday no less.
I love you.
Meet me at Mill’s tonight.
I've been keeping a secret and I'm ready to share it.
I'm sorry.
– Leo
My heart has been racing all day. And not in the good way.
In the what the fuck is going to happen; I’m about to get my heart broken kind of way.
My work today has been more than lacking, and I feel guilty for that.
Guilty for the poor performance I’m giving Ski, guilty for keeping this secret, guilty that despite the fact I know this will derail all of Ev’s and my plans, I want this baby more than anything.
Lost in my mind, I’m wiping down a table that I’ve already cleaned three times.
I hear the bell ring overhead and expect Ev, but when I turn, it’s Ev’s mom.
Dread fills my chest, and I go into panic mode.
I want to flee, to run, but I’m a mother now myself and I need to find my courage.
She is, after all, going to be a grandma to this child.
“Hello, Leora. May we talk?” She holds my gaze, her eyes almost gloating.
I walk over to a table and glance at Ski, who nods, giving me permission to take a break for whatever this is.
“Your mom came to me last week. With this.”
She reaches into her purse and pulls out my pregnancy test.
Fuck.
Run. Run. Run.
My breathing picks up. My heart feels like it’s made of lead. No.
“She expected money. For your medical bills. Prenatal vitamins. Even asked for new living accommodations now that her daughter was carrying the grandchild of the mayor.”
I meet her cold brown eyes. “I don’t want any of that. I promise. I haven’t even told Everett yet.” My hands are shaking as I run them down my pants over and over.
“Don’t worry. I met him after school today. I told him.” She smirks proudly.
That heart that was filled with lead finally drops.
“What?” It's a whisper, a plea. Please be lying.
“I couldn’t keep it from him. I had to. I couldn’t let him handle this problem on his own.”
Problem? Is she referring to me or our baby? She pulls out a checkbook, and the click of her pen makes me flinch. “How much?”
“Excuse me?” My eyes shoot to hers.
“How much to take care of your…predicament.”
“My predicament?” My brows pull in. I’m utterly confused at her meaning until it clicks. I feel a fury in my chest I’ve never known. A protectiveness riles inside of me just thinking about what she is insinuating.
“Don’t be selfish, Leora. A baby will ruin Everett’s life. You said you wanted what's best for him. So how much?”
“I’m not getting an abortion.” I glance toward Ski, who has his eyes on us, but he is too far to hear, especially over the grinder and espresso machine.
“Fine. Then how much to run?”
“Run?”
“Yes. Leave and never come back. Never speak to or come into contact with Everett ever again. Five thousand? Ten?”
Holy shit. That’s a lot of money to someone like me, but I don’t for a second even consider it. No amount of money in the world could get me to run from Everett. Is she insane?
“I don’t want your money. Everett and I will talk about this and come up with a plan on our own. It’s between us.”
Putting her checkbook away and pulling an envelope from her Chanel bag, she sneers, “Fine. I didn’t want to have to do this. But I tried the easy way.”
Yeah, because asking me to abort my unborn child was the easy way? I kept that comment to myself, but I wish I hadn’t.
“When I told Everett about the baby, he was distraught. He was beside himself about what he would do. But he decided. He doesn’t want you or the baby.
He loves you, or so he says, but it’s too much in his life right now.
He wouldn’t be able to have the success he deserves.
But his sweet heart couldn’t stand having to tell you to your face, so he wrote you this. ”
She hands me the note.
No. She’s lying.
My heart is aching. There is no way. She must have forged this. He wouldn’t.
But when I open it, it’s his handwriting. I could pick his chicken scratch handwriting out of millions of letters.
“I’m truly sorry you have not gotten what you wanted in life, Leora. But don’t drag my son down with you. Run and never look back.”
She gets up, straightens her dress with her perfectly manicured hands, and leaves.
I take the note out of the envelope, and the tears flow before I even read the first line.
Hello,
I’m not sure how to start a letter like this, written to someone who means so much to me in so many ways.
I love you, but we can’t be together. We can’t ever work.
Despite our history, you and I are nothing alike.
I used to try to imagine my future with you, and for a while I was able to, but things are different now.
What you want out of life is not what I want.
I would be miserable, and that would make you miserable.
I just can’t live a life like that. Now I see that this is my chance of a future that I want.
I can’t let this opportunity pass me by, or I’ll regret it.
I’m sorry to do this to you. I know that in many ways you have depended on me, counted on me, but I can’t live a lie. I don’t want the future that I would be forced to have if I stayed with you.
Please, let's end this peacefully. Don’t reach out and try to change my mind. It’s made up. Take care of yourself. Maybe one day we will see each other again, but for now I think it’s best if we cut ties and move on with our lives.
– Everett
The tears that fall are never ending. As if I meant nothing. As if we, our baby and I, mean nothing. He didn’t even mention him.
My heart shatters in my chest, and I physically feel like my ribs are collapsing in on my hummingbird heart. Caging her. Burning her to ashes.
He made me believe I could fly.
But then he let me crash and burn.
He didn’t catch me.
I fold the letter and stuff it into my pocket. Then I look down at the check, the thin piece of paper that holds so much weight, and I leave it.
That’s the cost of my heartbreak. Five hundred dollars.
The thought crosses my mind. What is the point in all of it?
What is the point in suffering as I have?
Never being good enough. Never being loved.
I thought he loved me. I thought… It doesn’t matter what I thought.
What do I know, though? I know I have a child growing in me that I will love like no one has ever loved me. I need to be strong for him.
Him.
Our son.
No.
My son.
I know in my bones it's a boy. I don’t know how I do, but I know he needs me. And I, him.
I allow myself to break. One. More. Time. After this, my heart will be no more. It will belong to one boy, our—my son.
Then I stand. Take a deep breath. Grab my go bag from the office. My old coffee can of money I’ve saved and all of Ev’s notes. And hand Ski my apron and the cell phone Gage gave me.
“It’s time, Ski. I need to go. I’ll be safe.”
His eyes are filled with worry. I know he is breaking with me.
There is a finality in my tone. My actions.
He knows as much as I do that this will be the last time we see each other, for awhile at least. But he doesn’t try to stop me, doesn’t try to reason with me, because he knows that I need to do this.
"Happy Birthday Leora. Take care of yourself, and if you need me…"
"I know where to find you." I finish for him.
I wrap my arms around him, and he wraps me in a bear hug. "Thank you, Ski. For everything."
And then?
I run.
And run.
And run.
And I never look back.