Chapter 28
Seven days. It’s been one week since Rune gave me Everett’s note, and I was half expecting him to be banging on my door the minute I finished reading it. But he didn’t.
The whirlwind of emotions spinning through my mind the last seven days has left me numb. He’s not your secret anymore. His words repeat in my head. He was never my secret.
Okay. Lie.
He was my secret for one month when I didn’t tell Everett I was pregnant. Could that be what he is referring to? That I didn’t tell him first? That he had to find out about Rune from his mom?
Either way, if we are comparing who screwed who over worst, it was definitely him.
I may have been scared to tell him about the pregnancy, but I was obviously scared for good reason, because as soon as he found out, he left me.
I raised Rune on my own, without him. I fucking almost died, along with Rune, bringing him into this world, and I did it without him.
I don’t understand what he wants. Does he want to take Rune from me? I’ll be fucking damned if after all this time, he suddenly decides he wants to be a father.
No.
Fucking.
Way.
Over my dead body will that happen. I will fight him tooth and nail. I continue to turn the hand grinder, over and over and over. Letting it pull the anger from my body. I feel like I’m going to throw up because this is the first time I can remember ever being truly, truly angry at Everett.
Don’t get me wrong. I was devastated when I read that note. Heartbroken—fuck, just plain broken, honestly. I was scared. I was excruciatingly dejected, but angry? No.
A small part of me understood where he was coming from because deep down, I knew he was right.
A baby would have derailed everything he ever wanted in life.
College, a career. He would have resented me for making him turn down all of what he wanted from life at that time in his life.
But now, now that he has the career and the life, he wants to try to come back into our life?
I don’t think so. Everett James Rowan can go fuck himself. Rune is mine.
“LJ, honey, your beans are practically inhale-able coffee at this point. Why don’t you put the grinder down?”
I come back to reality and put the grinder down. Shit. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m off today.”
I haven’t told Cole about the note. About Dr. Giraffe being Everett. Rune’s father.
“It’s okay. You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.” I wipe my hands on my apron. “I’m just going to go out front. I think I need to make some coffee. That will make me feel better.”
She pulls me into a quick hug then releases me. She knows that when I’m ready, I’ll come to her.
I work the register, then work the bar, then work the register, then the bar. Bouncing back and forth keeps my mind busy, and right before close, when there is only one person reading a book in the corner, our bell rings overhead.
Brooke, one of our young baristas, walks to the register to take the order while I finish hand drying the clean mugs.
“I’ll take a Leo please, with honey on top.”
My breathing halts in my chest. Like my brain forgot how to send that pesky little impulse to my diaphragm. It won't release. I can’t breathe. Oxygen. I need it. Fuck.
It’s his voice.
I would know it anywhere.
I drop the mug.
My favorite mug with the doggy tails shatters on the ground.
“Oh my god, LJ. Are you okay?” Brooke turns and bends to pick up the pieces.
I’m frozen still. My hands haven't even dropped to my sides. I knew he would come after that note, after he found me. But I wasn’t prepared.
I had been hyping myself up, thinking that because I knew it was coming, that I would be stronger.
Braver. But I’m not. There is a familiar desire in my legs to—
Run.
Run.
Run.
It’s only been stronger one time.
But it’s pretty fucking strong right now.
“You okay, LJ?” He says my name with a bite of viciousness. But also, pain. There is pain there.
“Sir, I’m so sorry. I’ll get that Leo for you,” Brooke says as she throws the shattered pieces of my puppy tail cup away.
“Shit! I think I just cut my hand. Stupid cup.”
This pulls me out of my daze.
“Here.” I give her a clean towel. “Go wash up. I’ll finish up here.”
“Thanks.” She gives me an I’m so sorry smile and heads to the back.
I walk to the register. I don’t make eye contact, I can't. “That will be $4.50 please.”
He inserts his card into the reader, and a receipt prints out. I slide him a pen along with his copy to sign. My hands are shaking. Can he see that too, or is it just in my head?
When he slides the receipt back…
A note.
Are you having trouble with your words, Leo?
Do I still make you flustered?
– Ev
I keep my eyes down. In my head, I imagined this going a lot differently.
I imagined that I would see him and scream and yell and cuss him out for leaving me, for leaving Rune.
But that didn’t happen. I have regressed back to that shy seventeen-year-old who can’t form words around this stupid, stupid boy—no, man.
I turn. It’s a good thing I have made probably over a million Leos at this point, because if I had to put any effort or thought into this process, I would fuck it up.
And I don’t fuck up coffee. My hands go through the motions while my mind wanders to the man standing at the counter behind me. Waiting for his Leo.
I laugh.
Out loud.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hand Everett his drink. Noteless. Fuck your notes, Everett. You don’t deserve mine anymore.
“What's so funny, pretty bird?”
I still don’t look at him. I just stare at his coffee. His Leo.
“I was just thinking about how you were standing there waiting for your Leo. Do you get it? Your Leo. Your coffee named Leo and me named Leo. Oh, and don’t call me your pretty bird. I’m not your pretty bird.”
Lookee there, I found it. Thought I’d lost it there for a second. Well, I did lose it, am still losing it, but that anger I was looking for? Found it. I sound like a fucking basket case.
He reaches forward, over the counter, and grabs my chin.
His grip is firm. I used to feel a gentleness in his skin when he would hold me in the same way many years ago, but now I just feel the steel in his bones.
My flesh comes alive at the contact. He forces my chin up, and for the first time in eight years, I look into those pale-green eyes that I fell so dangerously in love with.
“But you are my pretty bird, Leo. And you ran from me. With my fucking son.”
This is not my Everett. This man is angry. Broken. Lost. There is no goofy smile on his face. His dimples are hidden beneath his skin. His eyes are dull.
My stupid fucking heart twists in my chest. For a split second, all I want to do is hold him, kiss him, tell him that nothing in the past matters, that we will move on.
But then the hurt in my heart surfaces, the pain, like a scar that’s healed but still twinges with pain every once in a while, and I’m reminded why that scar is there in the first place.
“Is…everything okay here?” Brooke comes out, her hand wrapped up now. Her eyes bounce back and forth from me to Everett. His hand still on my chin. Then he drops it and picks up his coffee.
“Oh yeah. Leo here just had some…honey on her. I was just cleaning her up.” He licks his thumb, his full lips wrapping around it, and his eyes flutter in ecstasy. Then he looks at Brooke. Not me. Brooke.
“Hey, do you want me to look at that hand? I’m a doctor. I can at least see if you need stitches?”
The silly girl completely falls for his charm, and now she is looking at him like a lovesick little teenager. Like I used to look at him. Stupid girl.
Back. Off. Brooke. He is—was. Fuck. Never mind.
She comes to stand next to me and unwraps her hand, placing it palm up on the counter. Everett grabs her small hand in his and gently rubs his thumbs over the delicate skin of her wrist then looks up at her and grins. His dimples pop out. Those are my dimples.
And suddenly I want to pop Brooke right in the stupid, pretty, perfect smile of hers.
I take a deep breath, grind my teeth, and let it out. My eyes on Everett are glaring.
“I think you’ll be okay. Looks pretty shallow. Keep it clean and dry till it forms a scab. If it starts to drain anything gross or the pain gets worse instead of better, get it checked out by your doctor.”
“Thank you… " She trails off, clearly leading him to give his name.
“Everett.” He looks my way and drags his gaze up and down my body, slowly, agonizingly. “I’m a friend of Leo’s.”
“Leo? Oh! You mean LJ? So cool. I’ve never seen you in here before. How long have you two known each other?”
Is it socially acceptable to shove my tea towel into Brooke’s mouth and shove her oblivious, skinny ass out the door?
No?
Shit.
Option two. Play along.
“Not long.” I keep my answer short. That isn’t necessarily a lie. I have no idea who this man is in front of me.
Everett grins, sips his coffee, then looks up at Brooke, and I can tell before he even opens his mouth that trouble is on the rise. It’s the look in his eyes. That mischievous glint that used to mean a shit ton of pleasure for me, but now? I have no idea what it means.
“Long enough to know how Leo sounds when she screams my name.”
Brooke practically chokes on her own spit.
I drag my hand down my face. This is not happening.
“I’m…I’m going to go do stock…stocking…stuff.” Finally, she makes an exit. Took her long enough to get the hint.
“What do you want, Everett?” I begin to walk away from him.
He parallels me on the other side of the counter, following my steps. “I want my son, Leo. I want to know him.”
“No. I won't put him through that. He is safe where he is at, safe with what we have. I won’t let you near him to hurt him.”
“Fuck, Leo. I would never hurt him!” Everett has never raised his voice, but he does now as he slams his fist down on the bar. I’m taken aback, my body literally jerking into the counter behind me.
“Shit, baby, I—Leo, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m sorry. I just, I met him in the ER, and all I want is to know him.”
Baby. He didn’t mean to, but he let it slip, and I feel my heart momentarily take flight. Calm down, little hummingbird. Don't you remember? This is the man who burned your wings to ashes?
He sits at one of the booths and drops his head into his hands.
His leg bounces up and down, up and down.
He never used to do that before. I used to see him as so magnanimous.
So big and bright, beautiful. He was full of life and laughter.
Now? He’s fragmented. A shell of the Ev I once knew.
Does he regret the decision he made to leave us?
Some part of him must, if he wants to know Rune now.
Maybe seeing Rune, how great he is, was the reason his mind was changed.
And as selfish as I want to be to keep Rune protected and safe, just the two of us…
. What does Rune deserve? Can I really keep his father from him, a father he desperately not only wants but needs in his life right now?
Can I trust Everett to keep Rune’s heart safe when he completely obliterated mine?
I go to Everett’s table, sitting across from him. I want so badly to reach out. To run my fingers through those golden waves atop his head. Feel the tresses running through my fingers, soothing me as much as it used to soothe him.
“We just met.”
He lifts his head. The look in his eyes is full of sorrow. Where did the stars in his eyes go?
“What?”
I release a sigh, admitting to myself that I am actually going to do this.
“We don’t know each other from the past. We will run into each other somewhere, and Rune will introduce us.
He will want to, trust me. We can go on a few dates—no, not dates—meetups or run ins, whatever, and then we can discuss future—”
“You’ll let me see him regularly.” It isn’t a question.
My lioness surfaces. “You will not interrupt me. He is my son—”
“Our son.”
I narrow my eyes at him. He must see the look on my face. A look he has never seen before. Rune likes to call it my mad mama look.
“My son. You will get to have regular scheduled and supervised times with him until I can trust you on your own. If all goes well, and that is a big if, we can discuss telling Rune who you are to him.”
“I don’t want to lie to him.”
“It’s for the best right now, until I know you won’t hurt him and leave.”
“I would never leave him.”
Yeah, now that you know how amazing he is.
“We do it my way or not at all.” My tone is firm. Final.
I can see the fight in his eyes. The fire. He doesn’t like this, but he knows that right now, he shouldn’t mess with a mama and her baby.
“Fine. You have raised him this long. I trust that you know what's best for him. But Leo, one day, he will know who I am. I want to be his father. All those things I told you, about the kind of father I wanted—want to be. They apply to Rune, even if I’m coming in late to the game.”
My stupid, stupid heart believes him. Why? Because she is a trusting fucking idiot, that’s why.
“Are you free on Saturday? Rune has baseball on Tuesdays and Thursday evenings, and we go to a kids book club at the city library on Monday and Wednesday night. Friday we just like to relax. So Saturday?”
He gives a small smile. “You keep him busy. I like that.”
“He keeps me busy.” A small smirk graces my face, thinking about how many fliers and cards Rune brings to me all with new activities and events he wants to go to. He is a social butterfly, always putting himself out there, never afraid to make new friends. Just like his dad.
“And what about us?”
The warmth in my chest is suddenly gone. Iced over by Everett’s assumption that he and I will be forming anything other than a civil co-parenting relationship.
“What about us? There is no us. We will pretend to be friends for Rune’s sake. He will be the only reason we see each other.”
“Leo…” Every part of him is begging, his eyes, his body, his words.
“No. I will not let you come back into my life and le—” I can’t finish my sentence. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and continue—civilly, I remind myself. For Rune. “There cannot be an us, Everett. We can’t ever work. Despite our history, you and I are nothing alike.”
I throw the words he used in his letter back at him. A broken part of me hopes he remembers them, he recognizes them, he is destroyed by them like I was.
His eyebrows pull in, and he tilts his head, almost as if he is…confused. Why would he be confused? They were his words. Not mine.
But he doesn’t comment on it.
“Fine. Saturday it is. And for us, friends, for now. For Rune.”