Chapter 42
Nat was discharged from the hospital this afternoon.
She only needed the one unit of packed red blood cells, and her blood count had returned to normal.
She has a long recovery ahead of her, and I am not talking about her physical recovery.
The grief of losing Aurora hit her in waves.
Leo came to visit today, bringing her a scone from Henry Leo's and Nat's face lit up when she saw Leo.
One minute she was laughing and smiling and then next she was crying.
Leo and I surrounded her with our love—me on one side and Leo on the other.
Sometimes she would lean in to me, tucking herself into my shoulder like she used to when we were kids.
But most of the time, it was actually Leo she clung to.
I don’t blame her. When you have gone through as much as Leo has, people can sense that.
They know and feel the safety and understanding you provide.
That’s what Leo is. She never judges and even tries to make things right.
She is just there, pouring out her love till you feel a little less empty.
I drove Nat back to her hotel, and now I am standing outside my apartment door, my hand clasped to the silver knob, but I can’t make myself twist my wrist and open the door.
I know what's on the other side. My Leo and my Rune. My son.
But there is something about seeing him that scares the fuck out of me.
I just lost a child. And now I have this one, who is happy and healthy, and I am grateful as fuck for that, but I am also angry.
Why couldn’t my baby girl be healthy? I’m afraid that if I see Rune, I won’t be able to hide my pain.
Will I be able to hug him and not imagine what it would be like to hug her?
Will I be able to hear his laugh and not wonder what her laugh would have sounded like?
For the first time in my life, I understand Leo’s urge to run. That’s all I want to do right now. I want to escape from this reality. But not forever, no. I could never do that. I just need time.
I have been numb since I picked Nat up at her hotel.
I have been in doctor mode, evaluating and seeing everything from a physician's point of view.
I know that there was nothing we could have done.
I know that there was nothing that we did to cause this.
I know that one in four women lose their child to miscarriage.
These are all things I have been running through my head.
But I also know that my chest fucking hurts.
The images that I had imagined of my little girl.
Her dressing me in pink, painting my nails, doing my makeup.
Her first date, seeing her in a prom dress.
Fuck, seeing her in a wedding gown and walking her down the aisle.
All those thoughts and hopes and dreams ran through my mind a million times since finding out I was going to be her father, and then in one moment, they were gone.
Even though I had only known about her less than forty-eight hours, I had imagined a life with her.
I am pulled from my thoughts as the door handle turns in my hand, but it’s not me who is turning it. And as it opens, Leo is there.
A flood of emotion rushes to the surface at seeing her. Coming home to her. Her eyes hold mine, and I know she can see me as I break. I wish I could stay strong. But it’s out of my control.
No words are passed, but the tears fall. My tears.
She grabs my hand, pulls me inside, and leads me to the couch, where she urges me to sit. Then she guides my head into her lap as she strokes my hair, and I let my sorrow take over.
I let it hit me.
I let it consume me.
I let myself remove the physician part of myself and grieve like a father.
She stays silent, allowing it all as she continues to run her fingers through my hair.
Finally, after what feels like hours, my tears are dry and I lift my head.
“Thank you, pretty bird.” I place a kiss to her forehead.
She rests her forehead to my own, and we sit like this for a moment, letting so much love, understanding, forgiveness, and pain pass between us.
“Daddy, I made you something.” Rune’s sweet voice pulls me from Leo. The only person who ever could.
He hands me a picture he drew of a tall stick figure with highlighter yellow hair holding the stick hand of a little stick figure girl with highlighter yellow curly hair in a triangle pink dress.
“Mommy told me that you were going to be sad because you had a daughter that you didn’t get to meet.
And I thought maybe you could look at this picture, and maybe it will feel like you got to meet her.
I always like to look at pictures of mommy and me when I am sad.
I just… I hope…” I can see him stumbling over what else to say.
“Rune. Thank you so much. I love this, and it was so incredibly thoughtful of you. This makes me feel so much better, buddy.” I pull him in by the nape of his neck to snuggle up with Leo and me, and he wraps his small arms around my waist.
“I put a plate of dinner for you in the microwave. If you are hungry, I can heat it up for you?” Leo pulls a blanket over Rune and turns on Big Hero 6 for him.
“Thank you, baby. You stay with him. I got it.” I get up and go to the microwave and heat my food then come back and snuggle up with my family. Rune makes it halfway through before falling asleep, and I take him to his room, tucking him in and placing a kiss to his blond curls.
When I come back out, Leo has cleaned up the living room and is sitting at the kitchen island, running her delicate golden fingers over the rim of her coffee mug.
“What’s wrong, my love?” I ask as I place my arms over her shoulders from behind, trapping her overactive head between my biceps.
“I planned a little escape for us. We leave tomorrow morning. Cole is going to watch Rune.” Her voice seems nervous. But I don’t know why she would be. That sounds like exactly what I need.
“Okay, so why are you nervous about it? That sounds like a great idea.”
“Because we’re going back to Aurora, and I…well, I just didn’t know how you would feel about going back…with me.”
Spinning the stool so she is facing me now, I hold her radiant freckled face in my hands. “I would love to go back with you. I’m sure whatever you have planned, I will love. Just like I love you.”
“Okay.”
She gives me a sweet kiss that seems to heal a small part of my broken heart, and we tuck in for the night.
***
The next morning, Cole arrives, and we head to the airport. Then a few hours later, we are driving in our rental car to Aurora. It’s strange coming back here with Leo. I have made the trip every year for seven years, but now, having Leo with me? It’s surreal.
Leo is driving. She was insistent that she did, and let’s be honest, I can’t deny her anything, so that’s how I find us turning down an all too familiar and unwelcomed circle drive.
“Leo. What the fuck are we doing at my parents’ house?”
She doesn’t answer me as she puts the car in park.
I can’t take my eyes off her. That’s not atypical of me, but it’s for a different reason this time.
My heart is racing. I’m freaking out. I had accepted the fact that I would never speak with my parents, especially my mother after what she did, but now I am sitting in their drive, facing down the woman I love, who I know is going to make me go in there.
She turns fully to me. “I made my peace with my mother, Ev. You need to do the same.”
“I can’t. Not after what she did to you.” Has she lost her mind? She thinks I could honestly forgive my mother after what she has done? I feel anger brewing inside me. My temper is rising. But then she lays her small, always cold hand to my cheek, and my storm is settled.
“I’m not asking you to forgive her. I’m asking you to lay this to rest and move on.
I didn’t understand the power of closure until I was sitting on my mother’s grave, wishing that I had one more chance to show her that I survived her love.
Don’t wait until it’s too late, Ev. Peace doesn’t always mean forgiveness. ”
I close my eyes for what feels like hours, when in reality, it’s seconds. I hate that my all too wise pretty bird is right. I need to do this. For her. For Rune. For me.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“Do you feel you need to? Do you need closure with my mother?”
I was not the only one damaged by her. Leo may need this as much as I do.
“No. I need you. And I have you. I’ve already won.”
I nod and push the door open, placing a kiss to Leo’s knuckles.
“I’ll be waiting for you,” she whispers.
I walk up the white stone steps to my parents’ estate and release a deep breath before knocking.
Only moments later, Richard opens the door in his same black butler’s uniform. “Mr. Rowan. I—” The shock in his voice is startling from a man I have always known to be so proper. “It’s a pleasure to see you again. Please come in. I will fetch your mother. Your father, I’m afraid, is away.”
“Thank you, Richard.” I am escorted to the sitting room, but I don’t sit. This will be quick.
I hear the heels echoing off the empty walls of this broken home.
Then she rounds the corner. Where there should be gray hair, it’s dyed brown.
Where there should be laugh lines and soft crinkles next to her eyes, there is only smooth skin.
The cost of keeping up appearances was never too much for the Rowan family.
“Everett.” She walks to me to embrace me in a hug, and I take a step back. She halts, a flash of hurt crossing her face before she puts her mask back on.
“Mother.”
“I am so pleased you have come home. I heard about Natasha and the baby. Have you brought her with you? Will you be caring for her in her recovery?”
“I am not home. My home is with Leo—”
With a snappy tone, she interrupts me. “Who is Leo?”
“Leora. The girl you manipulated. The girl you offered money to, to abort my child. Ring a bell, Mother?”
Shock mars her face. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting the truth to be revealed. She is silent. For once in her life, she has nothing to say.
“Your silence gives me all the answers and closure I need. My son is fucking incredible, and so is his mother. She is nothing like you, and I am so incredibly grateful for that. Through her, I see what a mother’s love is. Through her, I find my peace, and you will never take that from me again.”
I go to leave, but she catches my arm. “Everett. What I did, I did for you. She would have dragged you down. You weren’t ready for a baby. I was only protecting you.”
I shrug her off. “All Leo has ever done is lift me up. You would have seen that if you weren’t so blinded by her skin color and where she came from.”
I go to walk again, but she rushes to my side. “My grandson? Everett, you can’t keep him from me. He is a Rowan. He is part of this family.”
“He is a Phoenix. And you will never know him.”
I walk out now with her calling after me. And Leo was right. I didn’t need to forgive her to feel peace. In that entire conversation, brief as it was, she never said she was sorry. But I don’t need her apology. I have all I need.
When I get back in the car, Leo grasps my face and pulls me in for a sweet kiss. “I’m so proud of you.”
She is all I need. My pretty bird, my little phoenix. My everything.
As we pull away, she blows a kiss to my mother and I chuckle. "I love you so fucking much."
She just shrugs her shoulder and we drive.
Silence fills the car, and I’m happy for it.
I relish in the peace it brings. My thoughts are quiet.
I thought after that confrontation, my mind would be circling over it again and again, but it isn’t.
I look out the window as the trees pass by.
And then the car slows, stopping on the side of the road.
And I know exactly where we are. Our escape. She brought me to Rune Ridge.
I hold her hand, leading her through the trees to the ridge, just like I did all those years ago, and for a moment it feels as though nothing has changed.
Like we are two seventeen year olds again.
Me desperately in love with her, and her fighting me, making me chase her, making me show her how fucking incredible she was and is.
When we get to the ridge, looking over this small town that did so much damage to us, I think about how small it actually is. I think about how far we have come. How much we have survived.
Leo sneaks a note into my hand, and I look down at it. The note is folded origami style into a bird.
“My origami skills are not as good as yours. Can you just imagine it’s a phoenix?”
I give her a small smile but don’t say anything. We never needed our voices to show our love.
I open the note and begin to read. Her handwriting has always sparked an excitement in my chest, and it still does.
Leo is selective with who she lets in, and I learned years ago that her script means that I am gaining a small piece of her.
She doesn’t give her time and attention to just anyone, and I feel so overwhelmingly happy that she decided to give it to a naive, overconfident, hotshot quarterback who never deserved her.
I’m done running, Ev.
Marry me?
– Your phoenix
My eyes fly to hers, and Leo is holding up a black wedding band with a red wing carved into it.
I don’t even take the ring. I can’t. The only thing I can think about is kissing her. It’s not a want but a need. I need to taste my phoenix. Mine. Forever. No more running.
I slam my lips to hers, and she lets me consume her in every way. Giving me her heart, her soul, her everything, and me giving the same.
When we pull away, I place my forehead to hers. I can’t catch my breath after such a blazing kiss.
“Is that a yes?” Her voice is a sweet whisper.
“Fuck yes.”