Chapter 20 Wesley
WESLEY
The rest of dinner had been awkward, to say the least. I spent over an hour trying to locate Rosie and ask her exactly what her goodbye meant and why it felt so final.
I went through waves of nausea, and at one point, I started undoing the buttons on my shirt because it was fucking hot in there.
When Caitlin and I finally made our way to my car, I’d never been so relieved in my life; I all but inhaled the air in gulps.
I was so focused on breathing that I had forgotten to open Caitlin’s door—something I’d never done before. I could feel her eyes as they turned into slits as she slid into my truck. The silence was both suffocating and a welcome reprieve.
“I think I’m going to spend the night at home, so if you could just drop me off?
” Caitlin asked. The weight of everything unsaid settled between us as I nodded and realized that I had been headed that way anyway.
I looked over at her, wondering if she had caught on to that before I did.
I was unsure of what to say, so I said nothing, just continuing to let the silence talk for me.
The truth was that what she’d said that night unsettled me, and she wasn’t wrong.
It was the natural progression of our relationship; it’d been a few months.
She stayed over at my place a lot, she did have drawers, and her shampoo sat in my shower.
Hair ties and make-up removal oils and cleansers were probably around my sink in preparation for when we returned.
Hearing Caitlin say she was waiting for a key had frozen something inside of me.
Instead of joy, I felt dread—overwhelming dread—at what that meant, and if I stopped to really think about it, it was because I was downright panicking at what that meant for my relationship with Rosie.
I was already on edge, not seeing her like I used to.
I was buying and stocking Ted with the best ingredients, and I even googled how to make homemade syrups so no other coffee could compare—and I drank it black.
What does this mean?
What it meant for that moment was that I needed to drop Caitlin off, go home, and…I didn’t know. Figure it out. Alone.
The only thing I knew for sure was that I was driving my girlfriend home, and all I could think about was Rosie.
Is she thinking about me?
What did she mean when she said the words, Goodbye, Wes?
Why the fuck had she called me Wes?
What’s happening here?
“Earth to Wes?” Caitlin’s voice, an octave higher than its normal pitch, let me know that wasn’t the first thing she had said—just the first thing I registered.
I felt the shame coat my cheeks. I was being downright rude.
I had been all night, but I just couldn’t bring myself into that moment with her.
My head was preoccupied with thoughts of Rosie, and I was becoming aware of the fact that the beating of my heart seemed to be screaming for someone who wasn’t sitting in my car, looking at me like she was putting together my inner thoughts without me having to say a single word.
“I’ll talk to you later, Wes.” Caitlin opened and slammed her door shut before I could utter a single world.
I drove home in a fog, signaling to turn when I should, stopping at lights and stop signs, paying attention, but my mind was running over the past few months of my life.
How have I gotten here, and why am I so fucking unsettled?
Unsettled.
Agitated.
Unsure.
I hastily parked my car in my driveway, not bothering to pull it into the garage.
I didn’t even turn on any of the lights at home.
I just wanted to fall into bed and forget the night had ever happened.
But of course, once I brushed my teeth, stripped down to my boxers, and crawled beneath the sheets, it wasn’t Caitlin’s words or face that echoed in the darkness. It was Rosie’s.
Goodbye, Wes.
Goddamnit. I was hot again. I threw the covers off and stared at my ceiling.
It wasn’t a black pixie cut I was thinking about; it was honey-blonde hair.
It wasn’t electric blue eyes that I saw behind my own; it was hazel.
My mind was slowly putting the pieces together as my heart started racing, but I drifted off, wondering what it all meant. Wondering what it would be like if Rosie were there. If she’d always been there.
I woke to silence in the morning, knowing that I had to end things with Caitlin. And with my mind firmly stuck on Rosie, I knew it was something I should have done a long time ago. What I hadn’t exactly figured out yet was why.