Chapter Twenty
When I am in love, I don’t have any other feelings. I’m just a shooting star who occasionally must don a human suit and talk
to humans who aren’t The One. Like my mother, aggressively scraping a plate in the sink first thing in the morning. She never
seems to understand when she is inconveniencing people. Then I remembered the night before. I pulled the duvet over my face.
The way Dave sounded when he came echoed in my head and made me blush and grin to myself. I dashed to the bathroom, peeking
through the tiny window as I peed, watching a butterfly circle around. Dave had hung his T-shirts on the clothesline. I wanted
to wrap myself in them.
I’m in love again, I texted Katie. Heart eyes and everything.
I took a long, luxurious shower, almost making me late for camp. When I was drying off, I caught a glimpse of myself in the
mirror. Skin pink from the too-hot water, tan lines from the beach. I was happy. I was in the movie of my own life, finally,
not just watching on the sidelines. Not just writing love scenes for other people.
Katie’s response: The fake boyfriend, not so fake?
I had so much explaining to do and was going to be late for camp.
“We’re on for dinner tonight?” my mother asked as I shoved my laptop in my knapsack.
“Oh right, seven? Lake on the Mountain?”
“Yes, I reserved for three. Don’t forget to bring Ben. I want to get to know the guy who finally captured your interest.”
“Right, right. Of course.” I’d utterly forgotten about this plan. Being in love makes my memory even more terrible than usual.
I wanted to call the ruse off right then, but the wedding was now just a few weeks away. I needed to keep my mother at a distance
to get through this.
I got take-out coffee in town from Lily’s Cafe next to the bookstore, making chipper small talk with a barista who had the
most striking bright green, pink, and blue eyeshadow. Her hair looked like peacock feathers. While waiting for my coffee,
I stared at the laptop people. Could I be one of them if I didn’t go back to full-time Christmas movie life? It seemed like
an exciting possibility, but a bit terrifying. The end of summer seemed visible now on the horizon. With my first sip of iced
latte, I tried to get my head in the game for the campers, but I could only think of Dave’s skin, his grin when he pulled
away from kissing me. It kept coming to mind as I edged back out onto Main Street, heading toward camp. It was the day the
actors would be reading the kids’ scripts. When I pulled up into the parking lot, I got my phone out and spent ten minutes
writing and rewriting a text. The movie was great but the post show party was better. Too glib. I can’t stop thinking about your hands . Too sexual? I can’t stop thinking about you. Swoon. One heart. That felt more balanced. I pressed send.
By the end of the workshop, a success by most metrics, my brain was somewhat absent. I kept thinking about how he’d curled
around me, his kisses on my neck, and about my phone, which I’d put on silent at the bottom of my purse. Alan, Noah, Allegra,
and Ben offered me praise for the kids’ scripts, saying they were really strong this year. Only Neve stayed silent on it,
her arms crossed as others clapped. The words What have I ever done to you? were perpetually on my lips whenever we crossed paths, but I felt too chickenshit to actually say anything.
Hailey approached as I headed over to lunch, turning my phone back on.
“Everything cool?” I asked when she didn’t start talking right away. She leaned in, as though a kid telling me a secret. She’d
applied bright green eyeshadow to her lids, all messy. Her lips were a shade of purple that made her seem even more pale.
She had three pimple stickers on her forehead.
“I got an audition,” she said. She grinned and then covered her mouth, both arms stacked with brightly coloured plastic friendship
bracelets.
“What for?”
“A TV movie.”
“That’s great! What’s the production company’s name?”
“I don’t know. I sent in a tape for the open call and they called me back. I’m going to the city for it next Wednesday.”
“What’s the part?”
“The killer’s little sister.”
“Your parents going with you?”
“No, they’re busy. I’m old enough to go alone.”
My heart sank. No one old enough to go to the city would’ve chosen that lipstick. “Have you gone to the city by yourself before?”
“No. But it’s no big deal. I went with my aunt once to see the Dixie Chicks.”
She was trying to play it cool but I could tell she was nervous.
“I want you to find me the name of the movie and casting director, and the address of where you are going.”
“Why?”
“Look, I don’t think it’s safe for a kid to go to the city when no one knows where they are. This business isn’t always one
that keeps kids’ safety top of mind.”
“I told you this because I was excited. Ben was excited for me. Why can’t you be? I’m not a kid.”
“Ben’s parents probably took him to auditions when he was your age.”
“That was in the olden times.”
“I’m so proud of you. And excited for you. But just bring me that info, OK? Don’t go without telling adults where you are
and when you’re expected back.”
I sounded like such a nag but I meant every word.
I grabbed an orange and an egg salad sandwich on rye, and took my spot between Alan and Allegra, across from Neve, who was
absorbed in her phone. I expected Allegra to be nonchalant about my concerns; after all, she was closer in age to Hailey and
she seemed very independent. But when I told them about Hailey’s audition, only Allegra agreed with me that she was too young.
“I hitchhiked across the country when I was her age,” Alan said. “It’s good for kids to take risks sometimes, especially in
pursuit of their dreams.”
“OK boomer.” Allegra laughed. “It’s a different world now. She’s a young girl who is too independent as it is because her
parents seem quite absent. She shouldn’t go alone.”
Allegra’s reaction made me feel less crazy for being concerned.
“Plus, it’s not like auditions are held across from the train station. She’d probably have to take a streetcar to an Eastern
Avenue warehouse or somewhere in Etobicoke. Toronto is massive,” I said, “and this kid didn’t grow up there. She’s probably
never taken the subway by herself.”
“So it will be an adventure,” Alan said, as Ben sat down across from us. He gave me a flirty smile, but then he turned and
gave a similar smile to Allegra.
“What’s the talk of the day?” he asked. Ben was the only person who commanded attention immediately whenever he sat down at the staff table.
“Did you go by yourself to auditions at sixteen?”
“No, my mom drove me. But other kids did. Why?”
I told him about Hailey’s audition and my worries. He offered me a contemplative look before his sister interrupted.
“I think you’re getting too emotionally involved,” Neve said, looking up from her phone. I didn’t realize she’d been tuned
in. She still made me feel oddly uncomfortable. “Hailey is her own person. She’ll ask for help if she needs it.”
“I didn’t know how to ask for help back then. You have to watch others ask for help in order to know how to do it.”
“Good point,” offered Allegra. Neve gave her a scornful look.
“Maybe you should be a therapist,” Neve said, in a sunny way that disguised her insult. Allegra let out a snicker, then covered
her mouth. Then she grabbed my wrist and whispered, “sorry.”
Some days I just wanted to slap Neve. People usually loved me! What was it about me that set her off so consistently? I’d
stopped fawning and offering my friendship to her; now I was curt, just as caustic. I was too triggered by her to stop myself
from taking the bait. The whole table looked at me for a response and then went back to their sandwiches. I tried to pause
and count to ten, the way Sarah told me I should whenever I felt triggered by my mother. Neve was usually kind to everyone,
but our coworkers had started to notice that her kindness rarely extended to me. I only got to number six in my head.
“Why do you work here if you don’t care about the kids, Neve?”
Every head at the table swizzled toward me.
“How dare you say that?”
“I brought up a reasonable concern for a child in our care who doesn’t have people looking out for her, and you mocked me
for caring, the same way you did about their obvious disordered eating. That doesn’t translate into you caring about our campers.”
“I do care about the campers. Most of these kids want to be actors. It’s a tough life.
I’m realistic with them. My parents used to be too soft and hippy-like with the campers, and the world ate some of them for breakfast. I’m being real.
People don’t always like honesty but they need it,” she said, standing up and stomping out of the lunchroom. Noah got up and trailed her.
“That was a bit rough, Elise,” Ben said.
“I was rough? She basically accused me of crossing lines and being dishonest,” I countered.
“Do you think Neve wants to be back here teaching camp? She’s had a rough few years. Go easy on her,” Alan said.
“OK. Sorry,” I said. Kate’s words echoed in my head about me not always being right about everything. “I’ll go apologize.”
“Just give her a few minutes to cool down,” Ben said, “believe me.”
I couldn’t read his face.
“OK, we still on for tonight? Dinner with my mother?”
“Of course,” he said, and grinned. I guess my yelling at Neve didn’t complicate anything after all. Did I need to tell him
about Dave? Would he even care? I couldn’t tell what was an act and what was real. Was anyone truly this self-possessed and
casual?
“So,” he said, leaning toward me and tapping me on the shoulder with some orange peel. “How’s your movie going?”
“Good, getting right into act three, finally.”
“I hope my part is juicy,” he said. “I’d like a lot of close-ups and an act three monologue, and maybe a few choice love scenes,
you know? To show my range?”
Right, right. I’d also forgotten his whole reason for the fakery.