38. JOSH
JOSH
What the actual fuck was happening? I hadn’t hit a ball in three fucking practices.
The game was horrible. As a whole, we sucked.
Three missed plays, a fight, and too many strikeouts to count.
It seemed like everyone was distracted in some way or another.
And in usual guy fashion, none of us wanted to talk about it.
I slammed my locker shut and jumped into an icy shower to ease my boiling veins.
The conversation with the guys earlier today was looping through my head and no matter how many times I said it didn’t matter, apparently it did.
The problem was, I couldn’t pinpoint the problem.
It was an agreement. One that was meant to come to an end.
But then, why the hell did it feel so shitty.
It was worse than a real fucking break-up.
Which was why I didn’t date. It was easier when things were casual, except casual went right out the fucking window the minute we fucked in Beachers Bay.
I slammed off the taps, making them shake, then wrapped my towel around my waist, ignoring the looks from some of the others. My mind was focused on getting the hell out of the stadium.
My game was way off and not just in the field either.
I had been trying to talk to April since the other night after my confessions, and still no luck.
She had done a spectacular job of changing her schedule around and it was fucking with my head.
It was one thing to have things end, but this level of avoidance was killing me.
I told her I couldn’t handle not having her and she was testing that statement out.
What was worse was right now, she was working with Jake in the training room. It took all of my strength not to barge over, tell him to take a hike, and plunk in his spot. She’d have to deal with me then, right? Sure, corner her, that’d work out well. I felt my eyes roll at my damn self.
I palmed my eyes with my hands to try to force back the stabbing pain taking over, but it was useless.
I slunk back on the bench and dropped my head on the lockers with a sinking feeling in my gut.
We had been on a roll. I don’t know when the lines became blurred and the reality of our fake dating hit us, but there was nothing fake about it.
If I was completely honest with myself, I don’t think there ever was.
I had been drawn to April for far longer than I was willing to admit and foolishly, I let myself believe my own lies.
Even way back after the fair, I acted like I wasn’t affected by us.
I thought it would fuck with my game, thought dating a co-worker was the problem.
Hell, I blinded myself with lovers that were nothing like her so that I wouldn’t be reminded of what it felt like with her.
And look what it got me. It wasn’t being with her that was screwing up my game, it was being without.
My game had never been better since we started our little lie and now, I was seeing the truth I had been avoiding for so long.
I wanted her. And I’d had her. Until now.
And man, I fucked up. I let the stupid shit that people said get in my head and I shouldn’t have.
I was better than that. She was better than that. She deserved better than that.
I broke that bubble that we were in, the one where not a single person doubted what we were. I let the little ripple pop it and I didn’t know that I could get it back.
I missed her. Missed her smile, her touch. Fuck the other day, I went to make my bed and her flowery scent drifted from the pillows, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I neatly put them back on the bed after taking a deep inhale, not proud of that moment, but I left them exactly as they were.
Just then, Kev came over, smacking my knee. “You are like Jake when he and Millie had that falling out. Like Carlos when his wife kicked him out and—”
I held my hand up. I’d heard enough. “I get it.”
Kev scoffed, following my gaze to April’s office where she was shutting off the lights. I’d been here so long, doing nothing, I’d barely noticed the place had cleared out. I needed her back and I gotta figure out how to do it.
“I’ve seen the two of you and the aftermath. Carlos was right to say you won the bet.”
“Huh?” I swallowed thickly.
“Look man, I’m not gonna lie, I believed you in the beginning that it was a two-way street.
That it was a situationship or whatever it is the kids call it these days, but after watching you two, there was nothing fake about it.
Say what you want, but my guess is, all this stewing you’ve been doing over the past week, is because you finally realized it also. ”
And there it was. The truth exposed.
“Then what are you going to do about it?”
“Not a damn clue. I tried talking to her and you see where that got me.” I hung my head.
“Ooh, the great Josh Davidson can’t win back a girl? Watch some of those cheesy movies where the guy does the big thing.”
“Big thing?”
“You know, when they declare how dumb they were and embarrass themselves, like plastering an apology on the jumbotron or something.”
“The grand gesture?” I shook my head. “Dude, you’re shit at this.”
Kev chuckles. “Never said I was good. You want good stuff, ask Jake. Although, I don’t think you need that much help. You’ll figure it out.” He tapped me on the leg, grabbing his stuff, and leaving me alone with my thoughts.
It was Jake’s turn to host poker. I stood outside his Duplex Street city home and waited for him to answer. He jogged over to the door, swinging it open. “Thought you’d bail.”
“Me too.” I shook my head, holding out my six-pack of beer.
“Everyone is here.”
I nodded and made my way to the yard where he had a poker table set up under the large covered porch. There was a television hanging on the wall behind with racing on it and the guys were crowded around it.
“There he is.” Kev gleamed as I approached.
I cracked open a beer and plunked into one of the chairs.
Carlos squeezed into the chair next to me. He had made it known he had a bone to pick with me. After the shit that went down and how things had played out, I wasn’t that surprised.
“All right, fuck nut. Why don’t you start with why the fuck you broke up with April right after you won.”
I cringed. That was the question of the year.
Why had I let her go? Why had I not seen everything before?
Because I was an idiot who thought he didn’t deserve her.
I took a long pull from my can and set it down.
This was going to be tough. They needed to know the full truth. “April and I were never together.”
“Uhm.” Kev raised his brow.
Carlos narrowed his eyes at me. “Go on. I’m dying to hear this.”
“It was a rouse. Like you said before. She needed someone and so did I.”
Carlos slapped his large palm on the table. “I fucking told you so!” My head hung. And all I could do was agree. “You’re a fucking cheat,” he continued.
“Why lie? April was into you. Did she know about the bet?” Milos questioned.
“She knew.”
“What a scam!” Carlos stood and paced. “You know, I knew it was weird that you all of a sudden got close with her. She wasn’t even your type.”
“My type?”
“Oh, come off it. Look at your exes. Fucking models. Then her.”
“Watch it,” I growled. I’d take a lot from him, considering what I’d done, but the way he was making April sound was insulting and that wasn’t fucking okay.
“I second that.” Jake gestured for Carlos to ease up.
“Are you proud of yourself? You used her for a fucking bet.”
I stood up ready to punch him.
“I didn’t fucking use her. I fell in love with her!” I shouted. They all stared at me with blank expressions. “Like real love. I can’t fucking handle it. My game is shit, I can’t sleep, and I fucked it all up.” I paced around, pouring out everything I had, because I was lost without her.
Kev tilted his chair back as he let out a low whistle.
Jake just smiled. “Yeah. Been there. When Millie and I broke up before we got married, it felt like my soul was crushed.”
I swallowed thickly. “I need her back. And Carlos, it may have started as a bet, a fake relationship, but it didn’t end as one.”
Carlos stood up and pulled me in for a deep hug. It was weird, and before I knew it, they all sandwiched me.
“Our boy is in love,” Kev mocked.
“Fuck off.” I swatted them away playfully.
“Alright, guys, it’s time to do that thing and get his girl back,” Milos added his voice with tense emotion. I was caught off guard.