11. Chapter 11
Mackenzie
I don’t know why I thought turning fifteen would feel like a big, life-altering event, but it does not feel that way.
Maybe sixteen will. Guess I’ll find out next year.
My mom has always made me feel like the most special person on my birthday, so at least I started the day with a new shirt, crepes, and the promise of Red Lobster for dinner.
It only got better when I arrived at school and opened my locker to find a hand-carved rose from Talmage sitting there with a note and a drawing of a Firefly.
Happy birthday, Firefly. You “light” up my life.
Love,
Bear
I can’t help the wide grin spreading across my face, and I look up and down the hall to see if I can find him. I’m sure he’s waiting at our spot in the common area, so I place the rose and the note back in my locker and head in that direction.
What the fuck does that even mean?
“It feels right.”
Okay, but why?
It takes me back to when I was still in the church. How people would tell you to just… trust if things feel right. “You’ll know if things feel wrong,” they’d say.
Well, I have anxiety. So I don’t fucking trust my feelings. If I trusted my feelings, I wouldn’t be alive right now!
But Tal looks so… vulnerable. He looks like he genuinely means it. When I first walked in, he looked like a puppy who had just found its owner, and dammit, it’s endearing.
I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me like they’re excited to see me—at least not for a long time, and it made a brick in the well-constructed wall around my heart fall out and crumble to dust.
More than that, though, I was excited to see him.
I’ve made peace with my decision, and the teenager in me has been pushing to the forefront of my brain, giddy and elated to be marrying Talmage fucking Monson.
But it still doesn’t feel real.
I guess because it’s not real. This is a business transaction—or something similar. I still don’t understand what he’s getting out of our deal, but he’s adamant about it and …
I could use the help. It would be nice to have free time and not have to scramble to pay the bills.
“When do you want to do this thing?” I ask instead of responding to his answer.
Tal pulls out his phone.
“We should set our date as soon as possible so you can start using the benefits sooner. How do you feel about a Valentine’s Day anniversary? That’s three weeks from Friday.”
I scrunch my nose. “Valentine’s Day? Really?”
He shrugs, giving me a sheepish smile. “It feels fitting, you know? Full circle.”
I know he’s referring to the Valentine’s Day dance freshman year.
When he kissed me for the first time. After swearing he wouldn’t kiss anyone other than his wife on his wedding day, he changed his mind.
We were slow dancing to “Arms ” by Christina Perry, the last song of the dance, and it was like a movie moment, the way he tipped my chin and kissed me.
He was so gentle about it—so shy and sweet.
One of our friends came over to us after and said it was like watching a romance movie.
I guess maybe he remembers it because it was his first kiss, but does he think about the moment as often as I do?
Does he ever think about the way his heart beat faster, the way the world around us blurred until it was just us in the musty junior high gym, the lights dimmed and music blaring from the speakers?
Or is it just me who thinks about it? Just me who has to skip that song because the memories are too overwhelming every time it comes on?
I swallow around the lump of emotion stuck in my throat. “Right, yeah. Full circle. But is it too cliché? ”
Tal shrugs again. “I think it’s kind of romantic. If you want, we can do it the week before, but I wasn’t sure if you had plans since your birthday is that Sunday.”
I blink at him. “You remember my birthday?”
“Of course I do. February ninth.” He looks offended.
“I remember yours, too,” I whisper. May twenty-seventh. I used to make fun of him for being younger than me, even though it’s only four months. “I don’t have plans. I think Lizzie wants to go out and celebrate since her birthday is only two days after mine, but we don’t have anything set in stone.”
Tal nods, his lips tipping into a small frown. “Well, which day would you prefer? We can do the seventh, then celebrate your birthday and our nuptials, or we can go with Valentine’s Day.”
It’s a double-edged sword. I feel like my birthday and Valentine's Day will be forever ruined after we get divorced. Not that I celebrate either very much anyway. Hard to have a fun day of love when your only companion has been a vibrator for five years, and celebrating your birthday when you’re overworked is just exhausting.
Lizzie and I usually get takeout and watch horror movies to celebrate.
“Should we do it the day after Valentine's Day? Or do you want to get married on a Friday?”
“Right, you have a regular job.” He chuckles. “We can do it the day after. I’ll make an appointment at the courthouse and sort out the license.”
Why does this feel like I’m scheduling a major, life-changing surgery?
“Okay, thank you. Um, when do you want to move in? ”
“I figured I’d move in the same day. I pay month-to-month, so I can get out of my lease anytime. Oh, shoot. Do you have a fenced-in yard?”
“Yes. We were able to stay in my childhood home, so we have a fenced-in yard. Why?”
“Just wanted to make sure Siren won’t be able to escape. Not that I think she would, but you never know.”
I blink. “Who?”
“Siren’s my girl!” As soon as the words leave his mouth he cringes. “I mean, my dog. She’s a two-year-old golden retriever—high energy little thing, but I love her. She helps out at the station when I’m there and is being trained for search and rescue. She’s almost done with her training.”
“Oh, well, that’s cool. I’m assuming she’s not going to bite my hand off or anything?”
“Of course not, she’s a good girl. Here—” He pulls out his phone and shows me a picture. Siren’s lying on her back with her tongue lolled out to the side looking at the camera. I swear it looks like she’s smiling.
You know when people say dogs look like their owners?
I never really understood, but Talmage and Siren have the same vibe. Same golden hair, same excited energy.
“She’s cute. I love her collar.”
Tal’s face turns pink. “Thanks, I special order them from Etsy. She has a collar for every occasion.”
God, why does his love for his dog make me want to melt?
It pulls a small smile from me. “That’s adorable. Do you think she’ll be okay changing environments? ”
He nods. “Yeah, she’ll be fine. I’m sure she’ll love having an actual yard to run around in instead of staying cooped in the apartment until I can get her to the park.”
“Good, good. I wouldn’t want to cause her any stress.” I’ve never owned a pet, so I don’t know how this is going to pan out. Will she sleep on the bed with us—wait, are we sharing a bed?
Shit.
There are so many things we need to talk about. So many things are still up in the air, and I don’t know how to bring any of it up. What are we doing about rings? Are we splitting the bills somehow? Will he bring his own furniture and mix it with mine? What about groceries?
“Mack, you good? Your face changed. Talk to me.”
“Beds,” I blurt. “And rings. Bills. Groceries. Where Siren will sleep. I just—there’s a lot to talk about. Lots of logistics we haven’t thought of.”
“I’ll pay half of everything—mortgage, utilities, groceries.
Your sisters will most likely suspect something’s off if we don’t share a room, but you can make that decision.
Siren sleeps in a crate. I already have a ring picked out for you, and I can buy my own if you want.
I don’t have any food allergies or preferences, but I enjoy cooking, so that burden won’t fall on you.
” He reaches across the table to take my hand, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles in a soothing gesture.
“I want to help take the burden off of your shoulders, Mack. I know this is a big change, but I’ve already thought some of it through.
I’ll get a storage unit for my stuff or sell it.
I don’t have much beyond the basics anyway. ”
“Okay, yeah, that sounds good.” I stare at the place we’re connected. My skin sizzles with every brush of his calloused thumb. Wait— “You’ve already picked out a ring for me?”
“Yeah. If you want to pick out your own—”
“No, no. That’s okay. I can buy yours, too. Can you even wear a ring on the job, though? That seems like a hazard.”
“I’ll probably get a silicone band for when I’m working, but if you buy me a ring, I will wear it proudly whenever I’m off the clock.”
Why does my heart flutter when I think about him wearing a ring I buy him? Why does he have to be so fucking sweet and earnest?
“Okay. I can do that. Any color preference? Gold, silver, black?”
“Like I said, I’ll proudly wear whatever you buy me. But if you want ours to match, gold would be best. That’s the only hint about your ring you’re getting, though. You’ll have to wait to see it.”
“Gold, got it,” I say, almost robotically. My mind is too stuck on other things. What kind of ring does he envision for me? Does he know my heart is about to explode over how enthusiastic he sounds over all of this? He’s practically vibrating with it, and it makes my nerves simmer down.
“Have a proper dinner date with me.” He squeezes my hand. “Are you free on Saturday?”
I blink, trying to think if I’m scheduled at the bar. “Yeah, I’m free.”
“Great! I’ll pick you up at seven, okay? Nothing too fancy but not, like, jeans and a T-shirt. Is that okay?”
What the hell does he have planned ?
“Yeah, sounds great.”
His answering smile is blinding. I swear he’s going to turn gold from all of the happiness pouring out of him. “Fantastic. Thank you for trusting me, Mack. I don’t have the words to express how much it means to me.” An alarm on his watch beeps. “I’ve got to run. I’ll see you Saturday.”
Automatically, I stand and follow him out the door. He wraps me in one of his big bear hugs, opens my car door for me, and helps me in, giving me a rapid wave before he gets into his own vehicle and drives away.
I slam my head back against the headrest. “What the fuck is my life?”
I picked up a mid-week shift at the bar so I could have a little extra money to buy Talmage a ring, and I’m regretting it now.
I swear Joanna has a sixth sense for gossip because she’s been eyeing me all night like she’s waiting for me to tell her.
The bar isn’t as busy on a Wednesday, but some people come for the food, so the dinner rush is just dying down when she turns to me with her arms crossed.
“Spill it, Mack.”
“I thought I wasn’t supposed to purposely spill drinks anymore?” I try to joke, but her stern gaze blocks any levity from entering the conversation. I sigh. “I’m getting married. ”
Joanna throws her head back in a laugh, throaty and gruff. Tears trickle from her eyes as she continues to cackle, bent in half and slapping her knee like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
I don’t know what to do in this situation, so I stand there awkwardly until her laughter dies down, and she sees the look on my face.
She immediately sobers. “Oh, shit. You’re serious?”
I nod.
“I didn’t even know you were dating anyone. Wait—” She holds up one finger and tilts her head like she’s remembering something. “Oh, no. Mack, tell me it’s not Peter Priesthood.”
I bite my lip. I know she’s talking about Talmage. I can’t deny it, though. I can’t deny it’s him, and when she realizes it, she groans.
“I swear, kid. If I find out you’ve rejoined the cult, I’m kidnapping you and keeping you in the basement until you come to your senses. Getting married? To him? It’s way too fast.”
Defensiveness rises in my chest. “Talmage is a good guy, Joanna. Sure, he may be part of the church right now, but he wants to leave, not that it’s any of your business.
We’ve known each other since we were teenagers and—” I cut myself off before I confess I’ve been in love with him for just as long. “And it feels right.”
Joanna studies my face again, like she’s looking for a lie before she curses under her breath. “Damn it, you’re down bad, aren’t you? You’d tell me if you were being coerced into this or you were in trouble?”
No, I think. I wouldn’t tell you if I was in trouble. You don’t know the half of the trouble I’m in .
“Yeah, I would. But trust me when I tell you this is what I want. This is a good thing.” I put on a small smile that doesn't feel as forced as it should, like I truly believe the words.
“Okay. I believe you.” She sighs. “When’s the big day?”
“The day after Valentine’s Day.”
“That’s in less than a month! Why so fast?”
I shrug. “I’m almost thirty. No time to waste.”
She rolls her eyes. “Well, show me the ring.”
“I… I don’t have it yet. It’s getting resized.” God, I hate lying to her.
“Hmm. Fine. I expect to see it as soon as it’s back.” She points a finger at me just as the bell above the door rings. “I’m happy for you if you’re happy.” Giving my shoulder a squeeze, she walks away to go check IDs.
I let out a long breath when she’s no longer within hearing distance.
I don’t know if I’d say I’m happy, but I can’t exactly tell her that.