27. Chapter 27
Talmage
I t’s been three weeks since school started. Three weeks of riding the bus to and from school with Mack. Three weeks of all the old feelings I had for her rushing to the surface.
I need to break up with her. I can’t keep this up. My mom keeps asking if I’ve ended things, and I keep telling her I will. She’s getting irritated with me, and the tension between us hurts.
I’ve never disappointed my parents before, and I hate the way it feels. I hate the strain it’s put on our relationship. I know what I need to do in order to make them proud, but I know it’s going to be hard.
Mack stayed behind a few days last week to audition for the dance company—which she got into. I’m happy for her; I know how badly she wanted to be part of the musical, and now she will be.
But it also means we’ll be spending even more time together, and it makes breaking up even harder .
I had a lot of time to think about it over the summer. I studied my scriptures and prayed for guidance, but I don’t feel like I ever got a clear answer. It felt like Heavenly Father was just saying, “You know what to do.”
And I do.
But it’s going to hurt.
Something’s shifted between Mack and me in the week since I was injured.
She’s been both more open and more reserved.
I don’t know how to explain it. She talks to me about her day more, and I’ve been able to pull more smiles from her than I have before, but she still goes a little quiet sometimes when things turn serious.
Something in my gut tells me she’s holding back from saying something, but I don’t have a single clue what it could be.
She’s been an angel helping me with my recovery, cooking for me and making sure I have everything I need so I don’t have to get up. She’s acting like I broke my entire leg instead of just spraining my ankle, but I’m basking in her doting attention, and I don’t want to give it up.
I got bored of TV, so I’ve been working my way through some of her books.
Books I didn’t realize had explicit sex scenes. Dirty, filthy scenes that have my imagination running away .
I thought I was picking up a nice, fun fantasy novel about dragons and fairies with a sweet little romance where the two main characters fall in love.
And that is what it’s about. But I didn’t realize halfway through the male main character would say “fuck it,” pin his love interest against a wall, and stick his head up her skirt.
I had to sit on the couch for half an hour to will my erection to go down because Mack was behind me working, and I didn’t know how she would react.
I went to find some other reading material, but I think all of Mack’s books contain scenes like that.
Some of them, she put little sticky tabs in, like she wanted to remember where the scene was so she could come back to it later.
Those are the only parts of the book with sticky tabs, at least from the four I looked at.
I didn’t want to keep looking at them and make her wonder what I was looking for.
I don’t want her to feel ashamed for what she likes.
Does she… touch herself to these scenes?
Oh no, that’s a dangerous thought. Nope. Don’t go there.
But if she does…
It must mean she likes that stuff in real life, right? Reading the marked scenes would be like a how-to guide for pleasuring my wife.
Not that she’s given any indication she wants me to pleasure her, but if the chance arose…
I should be prepared.
Mack has a team lunch today, so she’ll be out of the house long enough for me to snoop without being questioned and give me time to take notes .
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” she calls from the bedroom.
“Yes, Mack. I’m feeling a lot better. I just need to…” I trail off as she comes out in those freaking black skinny jeans and a black shirt with billowy sleeves. Her lips are painted the same color as the night I proposed to her, and my heart leaps into my throat as I remember our kiss.
“Need to what?” She tilts her head, her hair falling over one shoulder.
What was I saying? “Need to make sure I stay consistent on my pain meds and keep it iced. I should be fine to go back to office duty next week.”
Mack nods. “Text me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Have fun at your lunch. I l-like the outfit. You look amazing.”
Mack’s face flushes. “Thank you. I’ll see you later.”
As soon as I hear the front door close, I hobble over to her bookcase and grab a stack of books with the most sticky tabs.
I spend the next hour reading through the tabbed sections. One book has seven scenes marked, and it’s…
Hot.
I’m not entirely sure what the book is about, but the sex scenes start five chapters in and seem to happen every couple of chapters. He… licks her in his office on his desk, then ties her to his bed at his house. He uses a vibrator on her and puts clamps on her nipples.
I had to look up if nipple clamps are safe because it sounds painful , but apparently, they’re very, very pleasurable if used correctly .
There are so many things I don’t know, and I’m suddenly ravenous for more information.
She fingers herself in front of him, then he takes over and makes her squirt. I had to look up what that means and a diagram of the vagina to see if I can figure out what spots they’re talking about because they don’t use the anatomically correct words.
It’s a rabbit hole from there.
I abandon my book research for articles and videos of how to best pleasure a woman, and my penis is rock solid the entire time, imagining doing all of these things to Mack.
I’ve never once wondered what it would be like to put my mouth on a woman’s vagina—er, pussy?—but now it’s all I can think about. I want to know what she tastes like. I’m desperate to know if I can bring her the same amount of pleasure the men in her books bring their partners.
I know some people may find it hard to believe, but I’ve never once looked at porn.
I’ve never had the desire. According to the internet, porn isn’t always the most accurate depiction of sex, but since my sex education was pretty much “don’t have sex until you’re married, then you can have it whenever you want,” I don’t know what I’m doing.
That’s how I find myself on a porn website, watching video after video of people getting… fucked.
Some of it looks so fake it’s a turn off. Others, the women look so young and the men so old I’m wondering if it’s even legal. There’s one video, though, that looks homemade. A man is sitting behind a woman with a similar body type to Mack, his fingers buried deep inside her; I can’t look away.
The woman writhes against his hand like she’s trying to get away from the pleasure but wants more of it at the same time.
Her vagina is hairless, so I can see the arousal glistening on her skin as her body tenses, and she comes. Then it switches angles, and the man has her on top of him.
My eyes close, and suddenly it’s not the strangers in the video, but Mack on top of me.
As much as I tried not to look when I accidentally barged in on her naked, I still caught a glimpse of the tops of her creamy breasts and the way they sat, heavy and full.
I didn’t see her nipples, but now my mind is full of questions about them. What color are they? Are they the shade of her lips when she doesn’t have any lipstick on? Or are they darker? More pink or brown?
The thought of having her weight on top of me, feeling the warm wetness of her enveloping me makes my erection twitch.
I groan, grabbing myself through my sweats. There’s a small patch of wetness where I’ve leaked through my underwear. I’m ten seconds away from coming, all it would take is—
“Tal? Are you okay?”
I let out an embarrassing yelp, accidentally tossing my phone on the floor trying to cover my lap with a throw pillow.
Shit. I was so lost in my fantasy, I didn’t even hear her come home .
“Yeah.” My voice comes out lower than expected, so I clear my throat before I continue, “Just in a bit of pain.”
Mack checks the time on her phone. “Have you taken your afternoon pain meds? It doesn’t look like you’ve… moved…” Her eyes narrow on the stack of books next to me, and her head tilts. “Wh-why do you have all of those next to you?”
ABORT. ABORT. DANGER, DANGER.
“Just doing some light reading,” I answer.
She walks around the couch and picks up the books, running her fingers across the tabs. “Right, yeah. Okay. Um. Cool. Reading is… fun. Have you eaten yet? I can go make you a sandwich so you can take your meds.”
“I can make my ow—”
“No, no. I’ve got it. You just relax and—” she swallows harshly, “finish your reading. ”
She sets the books back down next to me, avoiding looking at me. Then she picks up my phone, her eyes widening when she sees what’s on the screen.
Oh, no. No. No. This can’t be happening.
“Here’s your phone.” Her voice is tight as she practically throws it at me and rushes up the stairs.
Sure enough, the scene continued, and now the man has the woman’s hair in his grip as he enters her from below. Her pale body is flushed in pleasure, but my brain isn’t registering the couple’s faces.
In my head, all I see is me and Mack in that position. Would she like it? The thought of having her body weight on me makes a new wave of lust roll through me.
Is she upset I’m watching this? I can’t imagine why she would be, unless she’s against porn and feels it’s like cheating as some people do ?
I don’t want her to feel like I’m cheating, even if our marriage is fake.
I stand, cursing the wet patch which has only grown and hobble to our bedroom to change out of my underwear and sweats before I limp up the stairs to the kitchen.
Mack’s just turning around holding a plate with a bomb looking sandwich and a bag of chips. She jumps a little when she sees me.
“Tal, what are you doing? I said I’d bring you your sandwich.”
“I’m not cheating on you!” I blurt out. “I mean, I-I don’t want you to feel like I’m cheating on you.”
Her brows furrow. “I didn’t think you were? What are you talking about?”
“The porn. You seem upset, and I want to have a conversation about it. I don’t want to hurt you, and if you’re hurt—”
“I’m not hurt, Talmage,” she interrupts.
“I’m just… I was shocked. To see it on your phone after seeing what you were reading…
I mean, you’re an adult. I don’t think porn is a bad thing as long as a relationship isn’t compromised for it, it was just…
surprising. Besides, we’re not… you know.
You probably have needs. So it makes sense you’d be…
” She waves her hand around in the air and makes a vague jerking off gesture.
“I’ve only started since we got married,” I murmur.
“What?”
“I never… masturbated until we got married.”