33. Chapter 33
Mackenzie
T he bed dips as Lizzie lies down, and the simple fact she’s here makes the tears that stopped only two hours ago come back full force.
I didn’t know I had anything left to cry, but I guess the body does what it wants.
Her arms wrap around me, but she doesn't say anything as sobs wrack through my body.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of feeling like a burden to everyone around me. I’m tired of being here.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I whisper into the darkness. “I don’t want to be alive, Lizzie. It hurts too much.”
Lizzie’s arms band around me tighter. “You’ve been through so much, and I know you’re tired.
I know nothing I say can change your mind, but know that I’d miss you.
You’re my twin, Mack. My sister in all the ways that count.
It’d be devastating to lose you. Your parents would miss you, too. And the twins.”
I sniff. “The twins wouldn’t even realize I was gone. ”
“They would.” She strokes my hair. “If you’ll let me, I’ll be strong for you until you can be strong for yourself. Just… please stay. At least until graduation. Don’t let him win. Don’t let him take any more from you.”
Screw school.
I don’t want to see my classmates or hear people whisper about me and listen to the rumors spread.
“He already won. He didn’t have to be rushed to the hospital. He didn't have to be poked and prodded and told he might not be able to have kids. I’m seventeen, Lizzie. No man is going to want me when I’m this—this broken .”
“You’re not broken, Mackenzie. You went through something fucking traumatizing, and you got dealt a really shitty hand. Some day, a man will come along and love you for everything you are.”
“What if I want kids, though?”
“Then you adopt. Or have a surrogate. Pregnancy isn’t the only way to have kids.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. I’m only seventeen. I don’t need to worry about it now.
Lizzie changes topics—bless her—and I try to focus on what she’s saying, but my mind keeps straying to blue eyes and golden hair.
There’s no chance of a happily ever after for us.
Especially not now.
I should have known something was up when Lizzie asked me to come shopping with her.
First, neither of us like shopping on Saturdays. Everyone else is out, and the crowds are terrible.
Second, there are only two stores in the Orem mall with plus size clothing, and neither of them are her style. She usually shops online or thrifts, so the fact she drove us all the way to the mall is suspicious as hell.
At least it gave me a chance to find something more… appropriate to wear to Tal’s parents’ tomorrow for dinner. Something that says “meeting the in-laws” and not “I’m going through my teenage goth phase at twenty-nine.”
Once I found a dress, she insisted on taking me to lunch. Which isn’t abnormal. Lizzie’s a giver, always has been. She likes to spoil the people she loves, and usually I don’t feel like there’s an ulterior motive.
Today, I feel like she’s fishing for something. She kept pointing out things she thought Tal would like and making comments about how we can double date if she finally finds a partner she can stand for more than two weeks.
I keep reminding her Tal and I are temporary—even if it feels more and more like a lie—but she keeps brushing it off.
Halfway through our lunch, she gives me a scrutinizing look, making my skin pebble. It’s the look she gets before she reads you like an open book.
“Your sexual aura is a mix of violet and orange today,” she states.
I roll my eyes. “All right, holy one, what does that mean? ”
Lizzie sits back and crosses her arms. “Well, usually, your sexual aura is barely prominent, my friend, so the fact I can see it at all speaks for itself. I get the feeling something’s happened, something’s changed, and you want to seduce your husband.
You want to make love to him. You want to feel your souls connecting in an irreversible way. ”
What the fuck? How does she do that?
I squint at her. “What do you know?”
Lizzie shrugs. “I just know what your aura is telling me, babe. And since you won’t tell me the truth, I have to rely on my intuition, and my intuition is rarely wrong.”
She’s right. I wouldn’t say she’s psychic, but Lizzie’s always had the third-eye-knowing-things-before-they-happen sense I wish I had.
It’s the only reason I told her about what happened to me in high school.
She stuck around until I caved and spilled my guts to her.
When she discovered tarot and crystals and started reading auras, it only got worse. I don’t know how she does it.
“Fine, we’ve been intimate, he… I don’t want to go into the details, but I will admit, I really want to fuck my husband. But I’m not going to, and you already know why. So please, just drop it.”
Lizzie shakes her head. “Nah, babe. I’m not going to drop it anymore.
You need someone to give you permission to give in, to let go , and that’s what I’m doing.
You’re hurting yourself by keeping your feelings locked away.
You’ve been trying to keep the lid closed on your box of emotions surrounding Tal for over a decade, Mack.
It’s not healthy. What’s the worst that could happen if you open them up and let them loose again? ”
Frustrated tears burn behind my eyes, but I blink them back. “Our marriage is purely transactional—”
“Don’t give me that bullshit excuse again. You know damn well Talmage wouldn’t have married you out of pity. And you didn’t agree just because he offered.”
“He’s going to leave eventually! And then what?
I’ll have to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart again and try to move on.
I barely survived our breakup when we were fifteen, and I didn’t have the same experience I do now—didn’t have him the way I do now.
I can’t keep losing everyone I love, Lizzie. ”
Lizzie’s eyes soften, and she reaches across the table to grab my hand. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere, Mack. You don’t see the way he looks at you because you’re too scared you’ll look at him the same way, and he’ll know.”
“How does he look at me?” I whisper.
“Like his whole world revolves around you. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you during your wedding, and all through lunch, his focus was solely on you. Talmage is down bad, and you’re hurting both of you by not giving in to your feelings.”
“What if you’re just seeing things, and he doesn’t actually feel that way?”
“If I’m wrong, I will personally supply all the alcohol you’ll need for a breakup bender.”
“I’m scared,” I admit quietly.
“I know you are. But just… trust me on this, okay?”
I nod, at a loss for what else to say. I do trust her, but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to open up first. If Talmage were to admit to feeling something more, maybe then I’d feel like I could voice my own feelings, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon.
The house is eerily quiet when I get home, which isn’t odd, but I know Kins and Harper don’t have any extracurriculars today, and they didn’t mention going out with friends.
I double-check my phone to make sure there are no new notifications, but my screen is blank.
Panic slithers up my spine, but I tamp it down. They can’t drive yet, so if they’re not here, maybe they just forgot to tell me they were going out. Talmage’s car is here, so he must be downstairs drawing or something. I’ll just text the twins to make sure they’re okay.
MACK: Are you two home? Where are you?
KINS: OMG we’re fiiiineeee. Tal took us to Tylie’s house for a sleepover.
HARP: We thought Talmage told you, sorry if we worried you.
MACK: It’s okay. Text me if you need something.
HARP: We will. Have a good night heart emoji
KINS: Yeah, a REALLY good night winky face
Okay…
I hang my jacket in the closet and pad downstairs, my jaw dropping open when I get to the bottom.
Tal is standing in the middle of the room with a bouquet of white calla lilies and pale pink roses. The room is lit with fairy lights, all the furniture has been pushed to the sides, and a mattress with an array of pillows and blankets sits in the middle of the floor.
“Wh-what’s all this?”
Tal gives me a shy smile. “Date night. I have A Walk to Remember queued up and your favorite snacks at the ready.”
I blink at him. “You did all of this?”
“Of course. Think of it as a belated one-month anniversary celebration.”
“But… why?”
He steps forward, setting the bouquet on one of the side tables before he stands right in front of me.
“I know it’s not much, but I wanted to do something special for you.
To show you how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me since I hurt my ankle and…
” he trails off, takes a deep breath, then looks me in the eyes.
“I want to make up for the years we lost because of me.”
My breath hitches. “You have nothing to make up for.”
He shakes his head. “I do, though, Mack. You can’t even listen to our song, and it’s my fault. I’m the one who ended things years ago and—”
“Tal, we were kids. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be serious with the first girl you thought you loved. We probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway, so you were just—”
“I never thought I loved you. I did love you. I do love you.”
My heart hammers against my rib cage. “Wh-what?”
Tal tentatively cups my face. “I only broke up with you because it’s what I thought was supposed to happen.
The church and my parents made me think I was doing us both a favor, but I see now all I did was hurt us both.
I’ve never, never loved someone the way I love you, Mackenzie.
I’ve never felt a pull so strong towards another person.
Before you came back into my life, I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen, and that something was you. ”
“I don’t understand. Our marriage—"
“Isn’t fake for me. I haven’t been totally honest with you, and for that I’m sorry.
I wanted to marry you to help you out, yes, but I also wanted another chance for us, and I didn’t think you’d give me one, not after how we ended.
I can give you more than just pleasure, Mack.
If you let me, I’ll give you the whole world. ”
My head is spinning from his confession, and I feel like I’m dreaming. For fourteen years, I’ve dreamed of him saying something similar. For fourteen years, I’ve been hoping he’d come back to me, but now that it’s actually happening, my mind can’t comprehend it.
It feels too good to be true.
“But you barely know me anymore,” I whisper. “I-I’m not the same girl I was at fourteen. I have baggage and trauma you don’t know about—things that could make you change your mind.”
“Hear me, believe me, when I say that there is nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less. There’s nothing you could tell me that would scare me away or change my mind.”
I worry my bottom lip, the anxiety and stress of the last decade bubbling in my stomach and threatening to spill out of me. He just confessed his love for me, and I can’t even bask in my dream come true because he doesn’t know.
“Hey, hey. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Tal swipes away a falling tear. “You don’t have to tell me now or at all if you don’t want to. But just know I’m here for you when—if—you’re ready.”
“I love you, too, you know,” I murmur, and his answering smile is luminous.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I kiss you now? Please?” His gaze drops down to my lips with the plea, and as soon as I nod my agreement, he’s pressing his lips to mine .
Our kisses at the restaurant and on our wedding day were for the benefit of other people—to sell the story of our love.
This kiss?
It’s purely for us.
Tal’s lips are sure and firm as they press against mine, and for the first time in years, I feel… happy.
So happy, the tears of anxiety have morphed into tears of happiness, and the salty droplets flavor our kiss.
Tal pulls back and presses his forehead against mine. “I missed you so much, Firefly. Everything feels right now with you back in my life.”
“I missed you, too, Bear.”