13. Autumn #2
“See? Deucey Doo said it so it must be true. No one else matters, aight. Good. And Deuce? No wandering. You stay with me or Mommy at all times. And if Grandma is upsetting Mommy you save her. Got it?”
“Yup!”
“Aight.” Turk unlocks the doors and mumbles a prayer to God about giving us strength. Wyn unbuckles Deuce and I get him from the backseat.
Of course my parents are waiting at the front when we get there. Wyn slides her sunglasses on right before they notice us and Mom’s eyes light up.
“Hi my baby!” she sings, gathering Wyn into her arms. Wyn’s stiff as a board though, and gently unwraps Mom’s arms from around her and pats her shoulder.
She doesn’t miss a beat though, touching her wig. “I don’t know why you don’t wear your natural hair out.”
Daddy gives me his usual stiff hug before going over with Turk and Deuce to get the tickets, leaving us girls.
Wyn scoffs. “The same reason I cover my freckles. I hate myself.”
“Hey, Mommy.”
Mom glances at me before doing a double take. “What’s going on with your hair, Autumn? Did you comb it this morning?”
“Her hair’s cute, Mom.”
“Don’t lie, Wynter. That shit looks nappy as hell.”
I grab at the scrunchie I put on my wrist earlier but Wyn cups my hand.
“Me lying would be saying I won’t snatch that tired ass wig off your head if you come for my sister again.” She pulls me away and snatches two wristbands from Turk as we walk by him toward the metal detectors.
“I swear if you don’t want me to go to jail you’ll take me to the nearest watering hole.”
With her wig flowing in the breeze, and her stomping off in her platform chucks, I know she means business.
After an hour of us drinking and making bird sounds at the few schools at the zoo on a Thursday, Wyn decides to take a nap in the car while Deuce drags Mommy and Dad to the reptile exhibit.
“I missed you, Turkey. Facetime isn’t enough. How’s the festival coming along?”
Turk winks at me before taking a swig of his water. We’re chilling by the playground at a table waiting for Deuce and my parents to get back.
“It’s solid. I’m finishing up the contracts for the different acts and shit.
Nut is handling, like, trailers and staging and shit.
We honestly ahead of schedule though on that.
I been running around meeting with these diva ass niggas but I’m almost done.
We looking to put it on in late spring, before it gets too hot. ”
“That’s good,” I smile. Seeing Turk making moves and calling shots never gets old.
“Hurry up and finish so you can come back home. You know Rico’s been at Brina’s every day ‘cause he’s bored out his mind. He’s prolly gonna replace you.”
I twist my lips and cut my eyes at my Turkey. “Richard Alvarez would never. I’m irreplaceable.”
“If only you’d believe that foreal.” He shakes his head and snatches a fry from my plate.
“Anyways… how’s Pay?”
“Y’all haven’t talked all this time?”
I shrug. “I mean, she sent me some pictures of the sonogram, and I check in every morning. But that’s not really anything. You got the inside scoop.”
Turk levels me with a glare before smirking. “She wasn’t kidding. Y’all don’t talk about shit.”
“And y’all clearly have. So spill the tea!”
“Nah.” Turk leans on the table. “Wassup with that, Auty? You wanna be with her, but you don’t let her in. Shit, you let me in more than her, and still swear you can’t be with me.”
This again.
“What do you want me to say, Turkey?” I push my fries away since my appetite disappears.
“The truth, Auty. You know in order to actually not be alone, you gotta let someone in.”
“I hate when you say I don’t let anyone in. I let you in. I let Rico in–”
“Don’t compare our shit to what I’m saying, you know better.”
My nipples harden instantly at his glare. Fuck. If we were back home…
“Don’t be giving me them sex eyes either.
I’m being serious, baby girl. Four years and you haven’t told her nothing about you.
How you was trying for a baby and planning a wedding and you haven’t told her about your parents?
And Summer? Do she know why you and Wyn not close? Why Rico doesn’t like her?”
“She doesn’t tell me anything either, Turk. How does she know Cochise and the rest of those East Kenton niggas? Matter fact… how come you’re all of a sudden capping for her? You were just telling me you don’t trust her ass, now I don’t let her in.”
Guilt splashes on his face, and my eyes expand.
I point my finger at his ass and gasp. “You fucked her!” I whisper-yell.
“Chill-”
“Nuh-uh, nigga. You fucked Pay! I knew it was only a matter of time.” I shake my head, going over all his vague ass texts in my mind.
“I’m sorry, Auty.”
I look up at him and scrunch my face. “Why?”
Guilt colors his face even more, and knots form in my belly.
“Oh… my… God. You like her!”
Turk groans and cups his head with his hands. “It’s your fault. I told you at Tati’s baby shower not to bring her ass around. Now look.”
I laugh, thinking about the scene he made in the Center. That was the second time I brought Pay around our family, and he was pissed.
I pull his hands away from his face. “I’m not mad, Turkey. Somehow, I’m not. I’m actually… I don’t know… kinda happy. The two people I love most like each other, and it feels good. Hopefully it’s room for me, too.”
Turk’s smirk turns into a boyish grin as he brings my hands to his mouth and kisses my fingers.
“There’s no us without you, baby girl. Which is why I’m telling you like I told her; lighten your fucking load.
Daddy got everything else, but I can’t make you let us in, and I told you a long time ago, Autumn, I refuse to read your mind. ”
I sigh and nod. “Truthfully, I wanna finish my clinicals and come back before I work on me and Pay. I’m too close to the finish line to fuck up my degree and I owe it to her to give her my undivided attention.”
“Okay. That’s you and Pay. But what about me and you, Autumn? I fuck with Pay, hard. And she feeling me, too. Y’all gone be straight in a little while. But what about us?”
“What about us?” I avert my eyes and try to pull back, but he tightens his hold on my hands.
“I told you I wasn’t letting you go this time, baby girl, and I meant it. Are you gonna keep flinging excuses on why you can’t be all in with me? Or are you gonna let me in finally? Let me love on and take care of both my baby mamas the way I’m supposed to?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to let go. To submit to him like almost every fiber of my being is begging me to. But I don’t. And he knows it.
“You know why,” I whisper.
Turk lets go of my hands and scowls. “You serious? That was–”
“I don’t care. You showed me once when it comes down to it, you’d pick Foe Dub over me. I’m not letting you show me a second time.”
We stare at each other, neither one of us yielding.
“That was for your own good, Auty. How long are you gonna hold that shit against me?”
I stand, noting Deucy running toward us. “Until you show me something different.”
“You had fun today?”
Deucey nods and yawns. My big boy is seven and I just…
“I’ll call you tomorrow after your school party, okay? Take pictures for me.”
“C’mon, Autumn. We need to beat traffic!” my mother snaps from the passenger seat of her car.
I pick Deuce up but Turk takes him from my arms and puts him into his booster seat. “I hope y’all not speeding with my Junior in the car. I’d hate to show y’all how I deal with people who fuck with someone I care about.”
My mother turns her ass around and huffs, and I swear I see a ghost of a smile on my dad’s face before he clears his throat.
“It was good seeing you girls. I feel like I blink and you get older and older. Will you come by soon, Auty?”
“Come on, Aaron!”
I sigh and put on a smile I don’t feel. “Take care, Dad.”
He gives my shoulder a squeeze and a pat before climbing into his car and leaving the lot.
Turk wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead. “It’s over, baby mama. They’re gone. She’s gone.”
I squeeze the life out of him, like the lifeline he is. Wyn’s right. I don’t know why I subject myself to this.
It used to be worse. I used to scream, cry, and beg for my mother’s attention, back when she wouldn’t speak a word to me. Back when her indifference and snappy attitude were only glances of pure vitriol.
My dad spoke. He was even civil, and congratulated me when appropriate, but he still stood by while Mom actively ignored me. Condoned it, even.
She was his wife, after all.
And I was the daughter they never wanted, but needed. And still proved to be useless.
Where they ignored me, they fawned over Wynter. She became a relic of the only child they wanted. She didn’t know how to feel. I mean, we’re eight, and your parents are giving you whatever your little heart desires. After a while she forgot about me.
But then Renelle Atkins began to babysit us. And I met my Turkey. And I wasn’t so alone anymore.
You’d think after becoming a mother myself, I would understand her. I mean, her baby girl is dead because of me.
But I’m her baby girl, too. What about me?
“I want to hate her so bad, Turkey,” I whisper. “I want to hate her, hate Dad, hate Wyn, hate… S-s-summer… I want to hate them all but I can’t.”
“Because you’re not a hateful person, Auty.
There’s nothing wrong with that. But you don’t have to deal with anyone just because you can’t hate them.
Even Wynter’s fake gangster ass. You heard her say ‘sloshed?’ Not miss ‘Da Colde$t B.I.T.C.H.’” Turk jokes, referencing the name of Wyn’s debut mixtape.
He succeeds in making me laugh. He kisses my hair before releasing me.
“I don’t deserve you.”
He pinches my chin and tilts my head so I meet his eyes. “You do, Auty. You deserve me, and Paypay.”
I nod and let him kiss my lips before he turns me toward his car. “C’mon. I know Wyn knows somewhere we can unwind.”