22. Autumn #2
An hour later I’m pulling up to a two-story Adobe styled house, complete with a vibrant green yard. Turk’s GTO is in the driveway, so I know I’m in the right place.
By habit, I check to see how I look. My braid-out is so old I threw my hair into a ponytail, didn’t even slick any baby hairs. Eyebrows grown out. In a basic hoodie and leggings.
I look a mess.
Sighing, I climb out my car and trudge up the steps. It’s a keyless entry, and I try Deuce’s birthday and the door unlocks, with a voice announcing my arrival.
It’s an open concept, with it bright and airy. Most of my furniture from the house I share with Pay is here, along with some new pieces to make the living and dining room rustic. Floor to ceiling windows show the massive backyard. I see cabanas, a pool, jacuzzi, and even a waterfall.
“The pool is why I got it. I got this fantasy of looking up from my office and seeing you and Paypay lounging.”
Here my Turkey comes, in some grey shorts that stop above the knee and hide absolutely nothing, showing me that’s all he has on. Looking every bit the sex god he is, and making me feel even more frumpy.
“And why would we be here, Turk?”
He stops a few feet away from me and shoves his hands in his pockets. His shorts shift, showing a peek of pubic hair and I fight to move my eyes away and take in more of the house.
It’s gorgeous. A marriage of all of our styles. All one story, and I’m sure the bedrooms are just as amazing as the space before me. Not to mention the chef’s kitchen toward the left, perfect for Turk and Pay.
“Because this y’all house, too, baby girl.”
My eyes snap to him, and the seriousness in his expression makes me nervous.
“Where’s my baby?”
“The Center. C’mon, we need to talk.”
He leads me over to the blue-grey couch and sits opposite me in the matching chair. For once, I don’t really know where he’s going. Last time we had one of these talks, he brought us up, but so much has changed since then. So much shit has come up.
And I know, I know, I said I didn’t want to let him nor Pay go, but still… Turkey has always just been here. A constant in my life, a fact, like me breathing. So really, what I’m trying to say is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with him.
“Why am I blocked Autumn?”
I wipe my hands on my leggings and kick my slides off to bring my feet under me. “You left me behind, Turkey. I felt like you knew what was going on with Pay–”
“Wrong–”
“Let me finish!” I snap. The short breaths don’t stop the pressure behind my eyes, so I talk slower.
“I said I felt like you knew all her secrets and left me in the dark. Again. At first I blocked you because I felt like you and Pay were getting together and leaving me alone. I felt like you’d finally proven my worst fears right, that you’d listen to everyone and leave. ”
I shift my gaze to him, and furrow my brows. “But I don’t want you to leave me. I can’t… I can’t handle you or Patience leaving me, Turkey. I can’t…” I swallow, letting the tears fall.
“I need you. Your love… you saved me, Turkey. You’ve been saving me for twenty years.
When everyone forgot about me, you saw me.
You shared G-Pops and Renelle with me. For so long, you were my one reminder that there was one person who cared.
And when… when I needed you, you came, no questions asked.
“You’ve had my heart since we were eight, too. But when you chose up, it showed me even you had your limitations. And I made a choice to have you any way I could get you, because I couldn’t handle falling deeper in love with you for you to choose Foe Dub over me again.
“I still feel like that. I wanna be free in love, so bad with you. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let go of that fear.”
I cup my face with both hands and try to get myself together. I did it. I opened myself up and talked about… feelings.
This shit is painful. Zero out of ten, don’t recommend.
Why can’t people be mind readers?
The urge to word vomit everything bothering me is overwhelming, but I rein it in.
Showing my hand isn’t freeing like they talk about, no matter how much I know Turk wouldn’t judge me.
I can tell him about my hopes, dreams, and anything about Deuce and my job.
But when it comes to me and him? And our feelings?
The last time we had an open and honest conversation was when Deuce was a baby.
And even then, I’ve never explicitly told Turk how I felt. I love you, or you’re my best friend. Never this honest. Never this specific.
Because then I’d be admitting out loud that I’m just as wrapped up in Turk as he is in me. I’d have to admit out loud that I’d seek him out in every lifetime.
Strong hands gently wrap around my wrists and pull my hands down. Turk is kneeling in front of me, a pensive expression on his face.
“Are you done talking? I want you to be finished before I respond.”
I nod, and he thumbs my tears from my face.
“I have never in my life put anyone above you, Autumn. I need you to listen to me because I’m only going to say this shit once.
I told myself I would keep you out of this, and made Rico, Fredo, and Set swear to secrecy, but if this means you’ll stop thinking I turned my back on you for the gang, then fuck it. We can go to therapy together.”
As he starts to recount the worst week of my life, tears began pouring by the gallon out my eyes. You like to think living in poverty, you know the underbelly of the city, when really, most people barely scratch the surface.
To think, the horrors we saw as teens would make even the strongest person peel over and throw up their insides.
Twelve years ago I was almost a goner, but Turk, Fredo, and Rico saved me, Rico getting shot in the process, Turk almost being choked to death, before I shot the monster who stole me away.
And then they dropped me off with G-Pops and vanished for three weeks.
When they finally came around, things were different. They were different. Set became the leader of the BBs, and I was banned from the Birch indefinitely.
“We had to clean house, and it took a long time for us to do that, baby girl.
I had to make sure you were safe, but I didn't want you living in fear.
This world has been so unfair to you, Autumn.
If you feeling like I pushed you away meant I could root out that shit in peace, I accepted it.
But the days of you telling me I chose up are over.
I chose you over my bros then, and I chose you and Pay over my bros now.
“At first, I didn't say shit about Pay because I know how Set and Nut operate. They shoot first and never ask questions. She would have been an opp, and even if she was moving funny, you and Deuce loved her, and I couldn’t leave her out to dry knowing that. I couldn’t help take away the person you chose to spend your life with… and then…”
“And then?” I whisper.
He rubs his thumbs on my wrists, still kneeling in front of me, so close I smell the mint on his warm breath.
“And then, I didn’t say anything because her mean ass wormed her way into a spot I thought only belonged to you.
I saw what drew you to her, and I realized I’d do anything to protect her, even go up against my brothers. Just like you, Autumn.
“That night we set the Birch on fire, I went up against muthafuckas who watched me grow up.
Ma Dukes had ‘em running in her daycare. Niggas that taught me the game, looked out for me and the bros. But I lit they ass up without a second thought because at the beginning, middle, and end of the day, you my heart, shorty.”
Turk’s eyes get glassy, and when he flutters those long eyelashes men are blessed to have, a single tear rolls down his cheek.
“I’ve let you go so many times, Autumn. I know what it’s like to know for a fact your blood family has no love for you, and I knew you needed to figure your shit out on your own.
To go from not being loved to feeling all of me…
I know it was too much for you. So I let you fly, baby girl.
I let you stumble, make mistakes, get into shit, date other people, because I wanted you to choose me off your own volition.
I supported you and gave you whatever, no strings, because I knew you’d find your way back to me.
“And you have, baby. You say you’re scared, but I’m scared, too.
I’m scared as fuck. Somehow, some way I fell in love with two women, and the love I have for one doesn’t change or overshadow the love I have for another.
We’ve never put labels on the bond we have…
we just be. But now, Autumn, I need a label.
I need you and Patience to be my women, I need you to accept your place by my side because it’s where you were always meant to be. ”
I slide down off the couch into his lap and wind my arms around his neck.
I see the uncertainty in his eyes. He’s waiting for me to reject him. After all, that’s all I do. I tell him we can’t be together. My heart cracks seeing him so resigned to a fate he’s known for years.
I part my lips and feel him brace himself.
“I need you too. I wanna be with you too.”
A boyish grin spreads on Turk’s face as he snakes his arms around me. “Say you swear,” he whispers.
I lace my fingers through his locs. “I’m done running from you. You and Pay… you’re it for me.”
Somehow he gets up off the floor with me in his lap, making me wrap my legs around his waist.
Neither one of us makes a move to kiss. We just stare at each other as he moves through the house.
“Your eyes turn brown when you’re happy. You know that?”
I smile and shake my head, feeling heat spread on my cheeks.
“Brown for happy, green for sad, blue for angry. Most of the time they’re more green than anything… now though, they're honey brown.”
Then he drops me on the softest duvet I’ve ever felt.
I blink and we’re both naked. He’s on top of me, his fingers tracing invisible lines on my face. I look at my favorite tattoo and run my thumb on it.
“You gotta get it redone,” I whisper.