Chapter 21 #2
“I do. When he broke the first agreement, I don’t think he was being intentionally dishonest. He's just derpy sometimes, and he’s pretty susceptible to being manipulated by his people.”
Leo appeared skeptical but dipped his chin. “Okay.”
“Bear, I realize that most women would break up with him. But like I said, I have to take into consideration that I haven’t been interested in that many people. It’s hard to give up on loving someone when you don’t get that feeling very often.”
Leo went still. “You love him?”
I crooked an elbow against the passenger door, resting the crown of my head on it. “No, but…I really care about him. I’m not in love with him, but maybe I could be.”
“And you want that? To be in love with Stone?”
“I want to be in love with someone. Maybe it’s Stone. Maybe not. But I want what Marley has with James. What Maureen has with Will. I want to feel like I belong with someone. Mind and body.”
Leo’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I want that for you too, Miranda.”
That night, I knocked on Leo’s door. For the past two months, I hadn’t stopped remembering how good it felt to be held in his arms.
He lifted the covers sleepily and sighed as I crawled in next to him.
There was no need to overthink it. I enjoyed being close to him, and this was one of the few ways I could be.
Hopefully, he didn’t feel like I was taking advantage, but I doubted it, since he seemed to like it too.
The second my head hit the pillow, he emitted a little grunt and rolled over, pulling me back against his chest.
I'd missed the sense of security his firm grip provided.
On paper, it sounded insane. A bad melodrama. I was in a relationship with someone I barely saw, who was in a fake relationship with a coworker, while they were cheered on by an unsuspecting public, and the thing that made me feel better was finding solace in the arms of my asexual best friend.
In the morning, I woke up to the feeling of—
Oh. My. God.
Ohmygod!
It was just like after the wedding. That was Leo. Again!
I froze.
“Mmm,” Leo mumbled, and the next thing I knew, he was pressing his lips to my neck.
He was still sleeping, but he was KISSING MY NECK!
Asexual Leo. Leo the asexual. My friend Leo, who had no sexual interest in me.
In anyone. His lips skimmed the bare skin of my shoulder, next to my sleep tank.
Fuck! He smelled so good. And his lips were so soft.
Maybe he was having a dream? Did he have sexy dreams?
“Miranda,” his slumber-laced voice drawled.
Holy shit. Not only was he having some kind of sex dream but it was apparently quite specific.
Should I wake him up? He’d be embarrassed. But it didn’t feel right to just let him—Oh my god, he was full-on humping me now!
I widened the space between my legs instinctively when I felt him shove his sweats-clad knee in between. I held in a moan as I clamped down on his thick quad.
Bad Miranda! Do not ride his thigh! He doesn’t know what he’s doing!
His arm held firm around my waist, pressing me to him. Oh man. If I didn’t get a handle on this, he was going to finish. And how would we ever come back from that? And how the hell was this happening?
Mustering my resolve, I rolled over quickly and put half a foot of space between us.
His movements stilled. I bit my lip as his eyes blinked open slowly. The dawn light filtered in through the curtains, shadows falling across his face.
“Miranda?” he rasped. “What—”
I saw the brief dart of panic in his eyes as he registered his hardness. He lurched forward, half lying on his stomach, trying to hide it.
He was about as subtle as an elephant, but I pretended not to notice.
“You okay?” he asked. “It’s early.”
Okay? No, I’m fully fucking not okay. You were just moaning my name and rubbing your massive hard-on up against me, and I’m freaking out.
“I’m good. A little congested. I don’t want to risk getting you sick, so I’m gonna head back into the guest room to catch a few more hours.”
“Okay,” he croaked, giving my arm a squeeze as I rose from the bed. “There’s sinus medication in the bathroom if you need it.”
I went into the bathroom and noisily opened the medicine cabinet, but all I brought with me to the guest room was a glass of water. I remained wide-awake, the nuclear sunrise painting mocking me, seeming a little too on the nose. Had I just blown up my entire friendship with Leo?
No. I could take this whole incident to my grave if I wanted to. Pretend it never happened. Just like last time. Both incidents could be my secret.
But now that this had happened twice, I had questions.
As with all things, the internet had answers.
Lots of conflicting ones, but I could confirm that it was normal for asexuals to experience moments of high libido, or even attraction. Everyone was different.
Leo having a fever sex dream about me didn’t mean he wanted to ravish me in real life. If he wanted that, he would have told me, right? I’d been honest with him from the beginning that I would have been open to something more than friendship, if it were an option.
But I knew it wasn’t.
As good as it felt to have Leo’s arms around me, it wasn’t a smart idea to wish it could be more than it was. Leo had stated plainly that he wasn’t attracted to anyone, including me, and I owed it to him to respect that.
And as much as Leo was my best friend, I’d been dating Stone for the past year. And hadn’t I just spent two months deciding that I wanted to attempt to salvage that relationship?
There was an intensity with Leo, but there was a simplicity with Stone.
And despite all the current misgivings I had about our relationship, one thing I never questioned was his affection for me.
I knew Stone wanted me. Not because of random erections we couldn’t talk about, but because he told me so unequivocally.
Not to mention, I liked what Leo and I had as best friends. I didn’t want to fuck it up. It was raw, and real, and worth protecting.
By the time I got on the plane to Los Angeles, after spending most of the two days alone in Leo’s guest room with a supposed bug, I’d fully settled it in my mind.
Nothing had changed. My priority was settling things with Stone, hopefully before the end-of-the-year deadline I’d given him. The memories of Leo rubbing against my ass would stay just that—memories. Buried deep in my brain.
As if the universe wanted to give its stamp of approval, I arrived home to find Stone standing in my living room, flowers in one hand and a bag from our favorite burrito place in the other.
I literally leaped into his arms.
He kissed me soundly, doing his best to put the food and roses down on the table as I wrapped my legs around his middle.
Pulling one of my hands from his waist, he kissed my wrist. “I only have thirty-six hours,” he said sheepishly. “But I wanted to be here when you got home.”
“I’m glad.” I tried to get down, but he held me firm.
“This is the best welcome I could have imagined, Miranda. After how mad you were, and the way our last few conversations have gone, I wasn’t sure—”
“It’s okay, Stone,” I cut him off. “I’m taking a wait-and-see approach, but I’m not giving up on us. If you haven’t broken up publicly with Naomi by New Year’s, we’re done. But until then, I don’t want to fight with you.”
He nodded. “Breaking up won’t be a problem.”
I leaned in to peck him on the lips again. He really was trying. I knew how busy he was with the movie still being in theaters.
“Miranda, you know I lo—”
I slapped my hand across his mouth. Nope. That was an extra complication I didn’t need. “Stone, don’t. Not yet.”
He looked sad but nodded.
Stone couldn’t love me. There was no way. We’d never had the chance to truly be together. Surely he realized that?
Or maybe I was the one who was wrong? Plenty of people in secret relationships genuinely loved each other. I mean, I assumed they did. I didn’t know anyone else in this situation, but it seemed plausible. Couples in long-distance relationships certainly made it work.
But in my heart, I knew that the problem with Stone wasn’t the distance. Or the secrecy. Or Naomi. It was about the fact that I was waiting to feel for him what I felt for Leo. That was my measure of what “in love” should feel like.
Stone went into my bedroom to “wash off the plane smell.” I sat on my bed, watching him soap up his phenomenal body through the glass shower door. Willing myself to feel more than I did.