Chapter 20 #2
“Yeah. I totally get that. Sometimes things are better left in the past. Because they would just upset us and make us angry. And there’s really nothing to be done about it now anyway.”
“Other than to find out whether or not my children are actually mine,” he muttered, then he met her eyes, which widened at his statement. Obviously she hadn’t thought that far ahead.
“Oh my goodness.” Then she shook her head and flattened her lips.
“It wouldn’t make any difference at all.
You would still love your children as yours, if you found out they weren’t.
Worse, if somehow that word got out, someone else might try to take them from you, and that would devastate you.
So you don’t even want to go there.” She sounded so sure, so convinced that he was going to do the right thing, that he was shocked for a moment.
“It took me weeks to come to that conclusion.”
“But I knew you would right away, because that’s the kind of person you are.”
“Maybe that’s where your intuition works with logic. You come to the right conclusion, where I was just using logic, and it took me a while to think on it.”
“Possibly,” she said, sounding almost cheerful. Maybe she was happy that she was right. She knew she was living with someone who was a little bit decent.
She didn’t seem to look down on him because he couldn’t keep his wife true.
Even though he knew it wasn’t his fault.
Even though she had just said that it wasn’t his fault, sometimes he still felt like it was.
Like he should have done something or been more or somehow been able to keep her attention.
He knew there were people who would say that he wasn’t a good husband, and that’s why his wife had cheated.
He leaned on the board, allowing it to wobble and maybe lean a little bit as he thought. “I’m sorry I dumped on you.”
“No. Honestly, I was curious. But I didn’t want to ask. It just seemed too much like prying.”
“I thought I told you that you could ask anything you wanted to, and I would be okay with it?”
“Yeah, but I assumed you meant normal questions, not personal questions about stuff that you might not rather tell people. And you did say that you hadn’t told anyone.”
“True. But you’re different.” Those words came out before he wanted them to, and as hard as he clamped his teeth together, he couldn’t get them to come back in.
They sat out there, floating in the air, as he watched her eyes widen as though in slow motion, and expressions flitted across her face, after surprise came thoughtfulness, and then she looked almost happy.
“I appreciate that. I… I feel different with you than I do with other people. And I can’t figure out exactly what that is. But you feel safe to me.”
He didn’t really want to feel safe. Exactly. But maybe safe would lead to something else. Although, he kind of felt like safe was probably a lot like putting him in the friend zone.
“Safe?” he finally said, figuring that if he expected her to ask the questions that she wanted to but was a little afraid to, he should too.
“Just comfortable. Like I can trust you with things I can’t trust other people with. I really love being with you. Just because it feels so good.”
He grinned, and he wasn’t sure whether it was him deliberately taking a step forward, or maybe he lost his balance a little as he held the board on the ground, but he took a step toward her and reached out, putting his hand on her shoulder, maybe to catch his balance or maybe because he needed to touch her.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to kiss someone, but that’s pretty much all I’ve been thinking about.
That, and how much I enjoy spending time with you.
I almost wish that there were more holes in the fence so that we can keep working together.
And it’s not because I love fixing fence so much. ”
She laughed, but it sounded a little nervous.
“Did you just say you wanted to kiss me?” she asked, and maybe her voice was a little higher.
He nodded, watching her face as the expressions flew across it. It was so expressive. “That, and since the first time I saw you, I wanted to put my fingers in your hair. It is almost something I have to ball my fist up and determine not to do.”
“You can do it,” she said as she moved her hand up and put it over his, taking it off her shoulder and threading his fingers through her hair. He went down the strands and wrapped them around his fist.
“So soft,” he said.
“I didn’t know you liked it.”
How could she not know? It was like a beacon to him. “Anywhere you are, it just draws my eyes. Maybe that’s just because it’s part of you.” His hand went down, feeling the silky softness as it slid around his fist before he reached the end, and it fell off.
Immediately he brought his hand back up and put it in her hair again.
“Now, about the kiss?” she said, and she didn’t sound nearly as confident.
He should say no. He should say they should wait. He should say they needed to talk about it, because she couldn’t be living at his house if he were kissing her out in the pasture field. But he didn’t say any of those things.
He said, “What about you?”
“Yes,” she said, her eyes crinkling and compelling him to laugh along with her.
“I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth,” he said, causing her to laugh out loud.
The sound cut off abruptly as his lips caught hers, and her laugh became a part of him.
The board fell to the ground, as he let go of it in order to wrap his other arm around her and bury that hand in her hair as well.
She must have dropped the hammer she carried, and he had no idea what happened to the container of staples in her other hand, since he felt both of her hands wrapping around his back.
He’d kissed his wife plenty of times, but never out in an open pasture field, and never with as much abandon as what he kissed Summer. All thoughts fled, and all he could think about was trying to get closer to her, the silky softness of her hair, and the feel of her lips under his.
He finally tore his lips from hers, but as though unable to completely break contact, he kept his arms wrapped around her and his hands buried in her hair as he moved his lips up across her cheek and along her temple.
“I know we shouldn’t have done that. I know I should apologize. But I wanted to, and I’m not sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, you’ll ruin it,” she whispered, and he was gratified to hear that she was out of breath, since he felt like he had just run a marathon. His legs were weak, his heart beat fast, and his lungs couldn’t get enough air.
“I can’t do this,” he said. “Not if you’re living in my house. I know this. But… This is exactly how I feel. Everything I wanted to do.”
“Me too. But you’re right. I can’t live in your house, if this is what we’re going to do every time we’re alone.”