11. Knox
KNOX
Istarted writing songs when I was sixteen years old. From that point on, there wasn’t much that had happened in my life that hadn’t been captured in a song. I’m not saying all of them were good, but one thing I knew for sure. They let me process whatever life had thrown my way.
So here I was in my cabin, confined because of my blasted ankle and slightly losing my mind about the way Madeleine and I had left things between us. So I reached for my guitar.
I’d had a phrase rattling around in my mind since my visit with Luci.
Hobbled for the Holidays. I’d said it would be a good title for a Christmas song in jest, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.
For one thing, it described me perfectly.
Not only was my ankle sprained, I felt emotionally hobbled as well.
Everything that had gone down the last few days had ripped me wide open, and I had no idea what to do about any of it.
Songs often came to me first as a title, kind of a North Star so to speak.
When that happens, I ask myself, whose story is it?
What is the story and the twist? Finally, what’s the emotional payout?
Other times, the melody came to me first. Sometimes I even woke up with some notes playing in my head.
Today, it was the title. I could go one of two ways. Make it funny. Poor guy’s hobbled in his room while everyone else is out having a grand time. Or, delve deep into the truth of what it truly means to be emotionally hobbled.
I picked up a pencil.
This Christmas I asked Santa for someone sweet
And full of spice
Instead I’m stuck in a hotel suite
With my ankle packed in ice
There's an ache under the joke, the little hook that tells us this isn’t going to be a happy Christmas song. That's the trick of a song like this. You make the listener laugh and then you make their chest ache. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just funny. Is is Christmas after all.
I played it through, humming, finding the shape. Wrote a line I crossed out. Wrote another one.
I closed my eyes, replaying yesterday afternoon on the mountain, screaming and laughing our heads off as we roared down the hill. I’d felt young and free. And happy. Maybe even at home next to Madeleine, with her hair sticking to my cheek and my arms around her waist.
Madeleine had not been known to me. Not for ten years.
Because of my insecurities and the way I always chose suspicion and anger before trust and compassion.
All this time I’d been running as far from my dad as possible, yet I’d become him anyway.
This whole thing with Madeleine was on me.
I was the one who had painted her in a dark light when the opposite was true.
She’d stuck her entire self out for us because she believed in our music. Who did that?
Madeleine, that’s who.
The song came fast after that. It always does when it's right. The chorus arrived nearly whole. Probably a gift from Gramps.
Instead I’m hobbled for the holidays
Paying for my lovesick haze
I smiled to myself as verse four poured out of me. The last chorus and tag came to me.
Yeah, I’m hobbled for the holidays
Still lost in my lovesick haze
I put the pencil down and played it all the way through. Wouldn’t win any prizes most likely but the tune was catchy, if I did say so myself. Jack’s voice would make it shine.
Outside my window, the lights were on in her cabin. Gold behind the curtain. Fifteen feet of snow between us. And me too hobbled to go get her.
One of the staff brought dinner for me. A bit later, Luci stopped by to see how I was doing. She took of the bandage and said I was healing surprisingly fast.
I was growing a little stir crazy by then and had decided to brave the icy paths to the bar when there was another knock on the door.
“Knox, it’s me.”
Madeleine.
“Yeah, come in. It’s open,” I called out from the chair.
She came inside, carrying a small box. “I brought cookies.”
“How about some Jack Daniels?”
She grinned and reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a pint of whiskey. “As a matter of fact, I did bring you some Jack, courtesy of our Jack.”
“God bless him.”
She poured me three fingers and sat on the ottoman, facing me. “How’s your ankle?”
“Luci said the swelling’s down. She said I was a good boy by staying off of it today.”
“What did you do all day?”
“I worked on a new song.”
The music sheets were on the bed where I'd left them, scratched-out lines and arrows and the mess a song looks like before it's a song. She picked them up, smiling when she saw the title.
“Good title,” she said.
“Luci said it yesterday, and I couldn’t get it out of my head.”
“Ivy says it’s like that for her too, when she gets an idea for a new song. I’m amazed by the creative process. Is it done enough to play for me?”
“Um, yeah, I guess so.”
She got up to bring me my guitar and the sheets of music. I didn’t need them though. I played it all the way through, not looking at her until the end. When I did, she had tears in her eyes.
“Is it about me?” Madeleine asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“It’s beautiful.”
“Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“I talked to Rhett,” she said.
“And? You guys okay?”
“We will be. I’m still angry at him. But he said some things that made sense to me.”
“Care to share?”
“I’m not sure how. I’m not sure how to do any of this.”
“You mean us?”
She tilted her head, watching me. “Do you mean it, what you said in the song?”
“I never lie in a song.”
“Rhett said something that … made me think. He said the reason I didn’t want anyone to know what I’d done to nudge your careers forward was because it would make me seem like Mindy instead of Madeleine.”
“Mindy?”
“That’s my real name. Mindy Sue. Mindy flipping Sue Price.”
“What happened to Mindy?”
“I sent her away. And replaced her with this.” She ran a hand down her sides.
“What was so wrong with Mindy?”
“I was ashamed of her. She was poor. Bullied in school until she learned how to make herself really small. The only way out was to do well. First in school. Then in business. Those first years, when I worked at the PR firm, I saved every penny I could, and do you want to know why? What for?”
“Yes.”
“For a nose job.”
“They did a nice job.”
I’d hoped to make her laugh. Instead, she hung her head. “Rhett said Mindy was the one who made the deal with Wyatt, not me. He said that’s why I didn’t want anyone to know. Because I don’t want anyone to know Mindy.”
“Do you think that’s true?”
She returned to the ottoman. “I think it might be.”
“I’d like to know Mindy.”
“That’s who I’ve shown you these last few days. That might be why this feels utterly terrifying. I let my guard down. I got drunk in front of you, for heaven’s sake, and I know you heard my accent and witnessed the hot mess I truly am. I asked you to kiss me. Madeleine would never do that.”
“Mindy’s fun. She likes to drink too much and sing loudly and totally off-key.
She laughs really hard heading down a hill.
She’s gentle with a moron who sprains his ankle while on vacation.
And she feels really good snuggled next to me.
Most of all, she changed my life when she decided everyone in the world should hear me play guitar. ”
“That’s true. I did.”
“I’ve been an idiot. And a donkey’s behind,” I said. “But I’m asking for a chance to make it up to you.”
“I’m not Mindy. Not anymore.”
“Last week, I would have agreed with you. But you’re different here.
So am I. I’ve been emotionally hobbled. Have been all my life.
I learned how to live angry instead of curious.
I built all these rules for myself, thinking they would keep me safe from the world, but that wasn’t what Gramps wanted.
I heard his wisdom through my father’s lens.
I can see that now. In fact, everything seems clearer here in big sky country.
” I paused, looking for the right words.
“I’ve treated you badly simply because I couldn’t admit to myself how complicated my feelings are for you.
I’m sorry for it. You deserved better. That’s all I can say. ”
She stared at me, blinking rapidly. “I don’t know what to say back to you.”
I drew in a deep breath that burned my lungs. “You don’t have to say anything. But it’s important to me that I’m honest with you and myself.”
“Thank you. I didn’t expect this.” She clasped her hands together. “I’m completely unsure of what to do now.”
“Do you want to stay? Talk some more?”
She hesitated for a moment, playing with the sleeve of her sweater. “I can’t tonight. Ivy’s expecting me at the bar to talk over some maid of honor details.”
“Okay, sure.”
She stood, then leaned down to kiss my cheek. “I’ll check on you first thing tomorrow.”
“I’ll be here.”
I couldn’t watch her walk out the door, so I gazed into the fire instead, jumping slightly when the door shut behind her. Only then did I see her cross by the window and head into her own cabin. Not the bar.
She just wanted to get away from me. And that pretty much broke my heart in two.
The next morning, I had just gotten out of the shower and dressed when Jack appeared.
“Thought I better come by and see how you’re doing,” Jack said. “How’s the ankle?”
“Much better today. It’s stopped throbbing, so I actually got some sleep.”
“You feel good enough to get breakfast with me?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, I need to get out of this room for a while.”
Jack helped me get my jacket and one boot on, then held the door for me as I carefully maneuvered the steps to the ground.
The paths had recently been cleared of snow, so the going wasn’t too rough.
When we got to the restaurant, Jack stayed close as I took the stairs.
Once inside, we sat at a table in the corner.
Breakfast was a buffet of amazing pastries, eggs, sausage, and fruit.
Jack offered to fix me a plate, and I agreed.
He returned with exactly what I would have gotten for myself. A pile of eggs, a couple sausages, only berries from the fruit offering, and a croissant.
He’d piled his own plate high as well. A server brought us coffee and juice.
I dug into the food like I hadn’t eaten in days, which wasn’t far from the truth.
We didn’t talk much, just ate. When we were done, Jack asked for a refill on our coffees and then eyed me from across the table. “Rhett told me about Madeleine and Wyatt Black. Guess it’s about time we all knew how it all went down.”
“You didn’t know?” I asked.
“I had suspicions. But Madeleine’s cagey. So’s Rhett, for that matter.”
“They know how to manage us,” I said. “I haven’t liked it, but the truth is we wouldn’t be where we are without either one of them.”
“I know.” Jack turned to look out the window at the gray day. “I’ve thought about them a lot over the last ten years. Like what motivates them? We’re about the music. But what about them?”
“They’re the same, I think,” I said. “They love the music even if they can’t make it themselves. And us.”
“I ever tell you much about Rhett and me? What it was like growing up together?”
“A little.”
“He was my ride or die, you know. From the beginning, it was him and me, Holly and Luci. Luci was our precious little sweetheart. The four of us were as tight as kids can be. And Holly and Rhett back in the day? They were deeply in love, even though they both knew it was doomed. He couldn’t wait to leave Stonehaven.
She couldn’t see ever leaving. But she has a good family—deep roots in Stonehaven and its history.
Rhett and I always felt like we were just passing through.
For Holly, it was her home.” He took a sip from his coffee mug.
“Rhett was the one who dreamed big. Big enough for all of us.”
“And he was right,” I said. “He was right about the whole thing. Finding Beck and Grant and me and betting it all on our chemistry. Then bringing Madeleine in. I’ve not wanted to give credit to anyone but us boys, you know. But that’s not how it really is. I see that now.”
He gave me a long, hard look. “Talk to me. What’s going on with you and Madeleine? Ivy’s beside herself.”
“Beside herself?”
“As in, Madeleine’s been real quiet about it all but we’ve all seen you together.”
“Ivy’s pairing us together on purpose, right?”
“She was hoping for a great thaw between y’all.”
“That it?” I asked.
“That’s what she told me,” Jack said chuckling. “But I think there’s a matchmaker hiding in there somewhere.”
“You think?” I tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. “I’m in trouble here.”
“Talk to me.”
I told him everything that had happened between us, starting with day one and ending with day six, including what I’d learned about what Madeleine did for us.
“And that’s how we left it. She made an excuse to leave. Said she had to meet Ivy at the bar, but I saw her go back to her cabin.”
“Yeah, I know why she did that,” Jack said.
“You do?”
“She’s tightly wound. Always in control. You’ve brought a little chaos into her life.”
“Chaos? Is that how you think of me?”
“You can be chaotic. Always from a place of principles. I get that. But you’ve given her some headaches over the years.”
“And I haven’t been nice.” I pushed my empty coffee cup away. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things since I’ve been here. I reckon I owe you an apology for making things harder than they should be.”
Jack shrugged. “It’s okay. Talented artists are complicated. And you’re my brother. We don’t bail just because things are hard.”
“I appreciate it.”
“As far as Madeleine goes—you’re falling for her.”
“I guess I am. Or maybe I fell a long time ago.”
The server came by to take our empty plates.
“I’ve wondered, sometimes, about you two,” Jack said. “Like if the fire between you was really misdirected passion?”
“Rhett thinks I could ruin everything,” I said.
“He’s protective of Madeleine and our band. But that doesn’t mean he’s right.”
I waited to see what else he might say.
“Nothing worth doing ever comes without complications,” Jack said. “If you love her, then do whatever it takes to win her heart. She’s skittish, but under all that is the most loyal woman you’ll ever meet. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.”
“You giving me your blessing?” I asked.
“I guess I am.”
“It’s risky, though. So many things could go wrong and cause problems for the rest of you. For our band. Everything.”
“There are a lot of things that could go right,” Jack said. “Anyway, risk is what we’ve built our whole lives on. Don’t stop now.”