15. Madeleine #3
“I want to stop hiding,” Knox said, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. “I don’t care if everyone knows about us. In fact, I want them to.”
Panic rose in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “Um. Let’s talk it through.”
“You don’t want to?”
“It’s not that exactly. It’s that I think we should be very deliberate about what we do here and how it affects things when we get home.”
“Deliberate. That sounds like a P.R. plan.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Knox said. “I’m sensing some hesitation.”
“We have to be honest with ourselves. Is this a Montana thing? Or a real thing?”
“You want me to answer?”
“Sure,” I said.
“For me, this is a real thing. One that I’d like to pursue long after we’re done here at the ranch. What about you?”
“I’m … I’m …” I trailed off, my eyes stinging. “This is not at all what I expected to happen this month, and I’m not sure totally sure what I think.”
“Okay, that’s fair. It’s all happened fast, so I get that.”
Regardless of what he said, I could hear the hurt in his voice, and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
“It’s just that I haven’t been myself here,” I said. “This is vacation Madeleine.”
“Mindy Sue,” he said softly. “The part of you that remembers how to have fun. To enjoy life instead of managing it.”
“Knox, I think you might be falling for Mindy and, honestly, she’s not really available. She’s supposed to be long since buried.”
“But she’s not totally, is she?”
“Apparently not.” Tears flooded my eyes, making the fire blurry. “I’m scared. I’m scared she’s going to come back and ruin everything I’ve built. I know, that sounds completely unhinged.”
He was already up, grabbing a box of tissues.
“Be careful,” I said. “You’re going to hurt your ankle again.”
He returned, tugging a tissue from the box but, instead of handing it to me, he dabbed at my cheeks himself, his gaze soft. “It’s okay. I’m fine. And you’re fine too. I might be getting a little ahead of myself here. And I’m scaring you off, which is the last thing I want to do.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
He gave me what looked like a tired smile. “Don’t be. I’ll back off. I was planning on seducing you tonight, but it sounds like I should put a hold on that.”
He was keeping his tone light, but I could see how hard he was working to do so.
“I want that,” I said softly. “I want you. In the worst way. I just don’t trust that the side of me that wants you is the side to listen to.”
He closed his eyes briefly as a wave of pain traveled across his face. “Okay, I’m going to leave now.”
“I’ve let you down,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m disappointed, but it’s not you, it’s me.
Like I said, just me getting ahead of myself.
” He paused for a moment, brushing his thumb along my jawline.
“I’ve not felt like this about anyone in a long time.
Maybe forever. It’s making me act like a darn fool.
” He picked up one of my hands and kissed it. “Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Everything in me wanted to beg him to stay, but I couldn’t. It was not fair to play with a good man’s head, especially when he was being so decent and patient about it all.
He got up and put his jacket on. I joined him at the door, hugging him. “I’m sorry, Knox.”
“Don’t say it like that,” he whispered. “Don’t say it like it’s your final apology. Please.”
I stayed where I was, pressing my cheek against his chest, tears coming again.
He held me a moment longer. Finally, he kissed the top of my head.” Goodnight, Madeleine.”
And then he was gone. I stood at the door and listened to the uneven sound of him crossing the porch, careful on the ankle, down the steps, out into the dark fifteen feet toward his own cabin that felt like a whole frozen world away. Leaving just me, myself, and I sitting in front of a dying fire.
The ornament he carved with his clever hands glowed on the mantel.
I picked up the miniature cabin, marveling at his artistry, running my finger along the smooth wood.
The way the light shone through the windows made it feel so real, as if I just walked right through the door into the warmth of a home.
A place always inviting, always safe. A place for Mindy Sue.
I sat before the fire, the cabin still in my hands.
Why couldn’t I just walk into the home Knox offered me?
Why was I this way? So full of self-hatred and shame, still.
After all the work I’d done on myself, I’d somehow skipped the part where my heart could be open to love.
Knox had laid himself wide open, showing me every vulnerable part, telling me how he felt about me, and I’d sent him away. What kind of person does that?
A person warring with herself. A woman who had sent her true self to an early grave so that she could survive.
But I’d not realized that by killing Mindy I inevitably killed important parts of myself.
Perhaps the ones that understood how to give and receive love.
What remained was a pretty shell with a perfect nose and hair and designer clothes but with a hidden heart as dark as night … and no moon in sight.