16. Knox
KNOX
Baking Day with Elliot
Light snow throughout the day
Supper: Supper: Elliot's chicken pot pie · Winter salad
Iwoke to snow falling in fat flakes outside the windows.
It was the nineteenth of December already, and I could feel the days starting to slip away.
Thinking about the month ending and all of us going back to normal filled me with dread.
I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t even wanted to come to this month-long celebration, and now I never wanted it to end.
Clearly, there was something wrong with me. And that something was Madeleine Price.
I knocked on her door before heading over to breakfast. She opened the door only a crack. “I’m not well.” She sounded faint. “Migraine.”
“Oh, no. Can I get you anything?”
“No, I just need to stay in my room with the lights out.”
“Text me if you need me, okay?”
“Thanks. Will do.”
The door shut but I stayed for a moment, reeling. She had a migraine. Or was it just an excuse?
That remained the question for the rest of that long day. There were baking lessons from Elliot but I skipped the activity, spending most of the day in my cabin working on the new song.
Madeleine didn’t show up for dinner. When I asked if anyone had heard from her, because I certainly hadn’t, Ivy said she was still sick in bed with the migraine.
“I’ve never known her to have migraines before,” Rhett said, glancing at me, as if I’d done something to her. Which I guess I had.
I only half-listened to the conversation at dinner, too preoccupied with my thoughts to have room for anyone else. After we were finished, Jack suggested the boys head to the bar together. “We haven’t had a chance to hang just us since we got here,” Jack said, clapping me on the shoulder.
Soon, we took over a corner of the otherwise empty bar. A server brought a pitcher of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Rhett poured us each a shot.
“To a spectacular month,” Rhett said, raising his shot glass.
We all clinked glasses and then went quiet.
I glanced around at my buddies, my brothers, and decided there was something off with everyone but Jack.
Beck seemed quieter than usual, almost abashed.
Rhett, instead of his infectious energy, seemed jittery and irritated.
Grant’s eyes were troubled, his shoulders slumped like he was carrying a heavy load.
What was going on with us? Montana had subdued my boys. I knew what was wrong with me, but the others? No idea. Not that I’d been paying attention to anything but myself the last few weeks.
Rhett poured himself another shot, then fixed his gaze on me. He was a man looking for a fight, and I didn’t have one in me.
“What did you do to Mads to give her a headache?” Rhett asked.
“Last I checked, migraines aren’t contagious,” I said, feeling weary.
“Like I said earlier, never knew her to have one,” Rhett said.
I didn’t say anything, just sipped my beer.
“You’re all acting weird,” Jack said. “This is supposed to be fun. You all look like your dog died.”
“Don’t say anything about dogs dying,” Grant said. “That’s something that should never be said out loud.”
“What’s happening with you and Holly?” Jack asked Rhett. “You two looked like no time had passed during that dance. Brought me back in time.”
“Yeah, that was fun.” Rhett poured himself another shot, but didn’t drink it, just stared down into his glass. “I didn’t think she’d remember it.”
“They practiced it all summer when we were fourteen,” Jack said, chuckling. “On my mom’s front porch or Holly’s parent’s garage. They spent hours practicing, working on their dance. It was the most baffling thing I’d ever seen.”
“What gave you the idea to enter the dance contest?” Grant asked.
“I can’t remember,” Rhett said. “Only that we wanted to go to the swimming pool and it seemed like easy money. Not true, obviously. Fourth place. Overwrought. The judge called it overwrought. In hindsight, that’s hilarious.”
“That judge was just wrong,” Beck said. “I thought it was beautiful.”
“Looking back, it’s pretty funny. We took ourselves so seriously. The winner was a husband and wife team—she owned a dance studio.” Rhett shook his head ruefully. “They were like professionals. The woman wore a red dress that had no back, remember?”
Jack nodded. “I think every boy in town remembers that dress.”
“We wanted the prize money desperately,” Rhett said. “But during all those practices, we fell in love. Puppy love, but love just the same.”
“They dated all through high school,” Jack said. “Seeing you two together—it’s like no time passed. You always could finish each other’s sentences.”
“Why did you two break up?” Beck asked.
“We were eighteen and went to different colleges,” Rhett said. “And she wanted to stay in Stonehaven. Her family’s there. And she has this mission in life to bring Stonehaven back. Not that it was anything that great to begin with. I wanted out. More than I wanted her, I guess.”
“What did Luci do that summer?” Grant asked.
We all turned to look at him. Odd question.
“You mean who took care of her?” Jack asked. “She was eleven then, so she stayed with me while our mom worked.”
“Oh yeah, little Luci was always around,” Rhett said, smiling. “She worshiped Jack.”
“Still does,” Grant said.
Jack’s left eyebrow lifted. “Why did you ask about Luci?”
“No reason. Just curious, I guess,” Grant said, before turning to Beck. “Was it weird to see the love montage Blake did of you?”
“Love montage?” Beck blinked. “Is that what you think it was?”
“Either that or the camera loves you,” Grant said.
I had the feeling Grant was deflecting attention from himself onto Beck. The question was why? Something to do with Luci? I really hoped he hadn’t fallen in love with Jack’s little sister. That was almost as complicated as this thing I had with Madeleine.
“I think she was just giving us a sample of what the documentary will be like,” Beck said. “Nothing more.”
Jack and I exchanged a look.
“You ever see the movie Love Actually?” Rhett asked.
“There’s the story line about the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s bride and he records the wedding.
But it’s not really the wedding—it’s all these intimate shots of the bride.
Totally obvious the guy filming her is totally in love with her. ”
“Wait, the guy who holds up the signs?” I asked. “Wasn’t he in Walking Dead later?”
“Yeah, that’s him,” Rhett said. “Great actor.”
“Yeah, but the sign thing was super creepy,” Grant said. “Not a good idea, in general, unless you want to send a girl screaming to the police.”
“Right, but that’s not the point,” Rhett said, leaning over the table.
“What is your point?” Beck asked tightly.
“That Blake is filming you like the character filmed the bride,” Rhett said, smacking the table. “Blake’s totally into you.”
Beck had turned red. “It’s not what you think.”
“Tell us what it is, then,” Rhett said. “Spill the tea, brother.”
“What about you, Knox? You and Madeleine?” Beck asked, continuing the deflection circle.
“What about us?” I asked.
“Everyone has eyes,” Grant said. “And you two are not the best actors ever.”
Rhett tossed his shot back. “Yeah, not exactly a best kept secret. You ready to admit how you feel about her yet?”
“Hey now, let’s not attack the man,” Jack said, with a pointed look at Rhett. “What’s gotten into you tonight? You seem angry about something.”
“Nah, not me. I’m the fun one, remember?” Rhett said. “Unflappable in my pursuit of optimism even when the truth’s staring me right in the face. The one who never gives up when I really should.”
“What’s up, Rhett?” Jack asked. “Talk to us.”
“I will if he does.” Rhett pointed at me. His eyes had glassed over slightly from the Jack. “Tell us all the truth about how you feel about our Mads, Knox. And what you’re planning on doing about it.”
I swallowed back a retort, took a sip of my beer, buying a moment to figure out how to answer without betraying Madeleine.
“You pretty much admitted it to me. You’re in love with her,” Rhett said to me.
“Don’t worry your pretty head about it,” I said. “Seems to me you’re the one with woman troubles.” If the others could deflect, so could I. “The shots of Jack Daniels are giving you away.”
Rhett lifted his gaze to meet mine, and I almost winced at the pain I saw in my friend’s eyes. “I’ve only loved one woman, and it turns out I still do. And yet, we’re completely incompatible. I want to go. She wants to stay. Same old story.”
“Does she know how you feel?” Jack asked gently.
“I’ve no idea,” Rhett said. “I sure as hell don’t know what she feels. Won’t talk about it. Won’t entertain the idea that we could be anything more than what we are here in Montana. Old friends who can’t keep their hands off each other.”
No one said anything for a moment.
I drew in a deep breath, my anger toward Rhett gone as quickly as it had come. He was suffering. Just like me.
“Dude, I’m sorry,” I said. “That sucks.”
“It does, yeah,” Rhett said. “Which is why you’re really pushing my last button.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You and Mads. Circling around each other in some kind of toxic dance. A dance that’s going to bring down this band if you’re not careful.”
“I don’t know why you think you get a say in anything to do with my life,” I said to Rhett. “But the truth is—I know how I feel, and I’ve told her so. Whatever toxicity you think is happening is not because I didn’t ask her to be my dance partner, so back off.”
Rhett held up his hands. “Sorry. Forget I said anything.”
“We’re all talking about everyone’s business but our own,” Beck said. “Maybe we take care of the heat in our own kitchens instead of worrying about anyone else’s.”
I rose to my feet. “I’m calling it a night. Probably should ice my ankle.”
“I’ll walk you back,” Jack said. “It’s still snowing and pretty slippery.”
“Suit yourself,” I said.
We said our goodnights and headed out to a winter wonderland.