16. Knox #2
Snowfall had continued all day and was still dropping soft and steady and straight, no wind to it. It brought that hush to the world, everything quiet, a sense that you might be completely alone.
Jack fell into step beside me, hands jammed in his coat pockets. “How you feeling? Want to get a little air before we turn in?”
“Yeah, sure.” I didn’t really want to go back to my lonely cabin.
We headed down the low path toward the pond, which sat at the bottom of the meadow, frozen hard and dusted white. It looked different at night. Just a flat pale sheet under falling snow, with strings of twinkling white lights.
We stopped at the edge of the pond. Jack picked up a little chunk of ice and skipped it out across the frozen surface. It went skittering off into the dark.
“You want to talk about it?” Jack asked.
“I do and I don’t. It hurts to say it all out loud.”
“Ivy says it makes whatever’s ailing you better if you talk about it.”
I was quiet for a moment, listening for cracks in the ice but there weren’t any.
“She’s shutting me out. Last night I told her I wanted …
her. Yeah, I told her that I had strong feelings for her and I didn’t want it to end once we got back to Nashville.
And she went real quiet like she does. That flatness in her eyes, you know?
That look that says—don’t come anywhere near me. ”
“Oh yeah, I know what the Mads’ Freeze looks like. That’s what I call it.”
“Sounds like an ice cream drink,” I said.
“Most expensive one on the menu.”
“That’s the truth,” I said. “This morning she won’t even open the door more than a crack. I don’t think she even has a migraine. She just doesn’t want to be around me.”
“Okay,” Jack said. Like it made sense to him. Which somehow made it worse.
“I don’t get it,” I said. “Everything was good. Better than good. We were talking until like two in the morning while the rest of you were out. It was perfect. The second I told her how I felt, she ran like I’d pulled a gun on her. What do I do with that?”
Jack was quiet a while. Skipped another chunk of ice.
“Ivy knows Madeleine better than I do, but I know her well enough to know what’s going on.
She’s scared. She’s built a life for herself, but it’s cost her.
I don’t know that she sees how much, actually.
This drive she has—it’s all to make sure she doesn’t end up back where she started.
She’s hard because of it. And you’ve broken the shell, and it must scare her to death.
You’re the first thing in a long time she can’t afford to lose, and she doesn’t like the loss of control. So she’s retreating.”
I looked out at that frozen pond a long while. “I’d have thought it would be me that wanted to run.”
“That’s because you’re delusional.”
“What?”
“You think you’re this tough guy—this outlaw cowboy—but that’s not who you are at all. You’re an artist, my friend. Sensitive, perceptive, curious, principled. None of that fits how you’ve come to think of yourself, but I’m here to tell you that’s wrong. I know who you are down deep.”
“Do you know her real name’s Mindy?” I asked.
“Sure. Rhett vetted her pretty hard. I know her story. She’s like the rest of us.
Had a dream. Pretty much did whatever it took to get it.
And now she’s terrified to lose it all.” He turned to face me, his voice urgent.
“Listen to me. Whatever Rhett’s worries are—they don’t matter.
I don’t care if it’s complicated. I care that two of my best friends are happy.
If that makes it a little messy for the band, then so be it.
I’m about to marry America’s sweetheart.
Talk about a mess should anything happen to break us up. ”
“It won’t.”
“Just death, brother. Other than that, I’m here for the long haul and she is too.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “I want that for you too. For all of you idiots. Which doesn’t seem likely, given what I heard tonight.”
“Something’s happened to our brains,” I said. “We’ve all lost our minds to the great state of Montana.”
“Nah. It’s your hearts, not your minds. The problem is—you’re all letting your brains tell your hearts what to do and, I’m here to tell you, that isn’t how it works.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said.
“Give her some space. She’ll miss you, which will tell her how important you are to her. Don’t give up on her. Not yet.”
“I’ll do my best, but this hurts.”
“That’s the problem with love,” Jack said. “It hurts when it’s real.”
The snow continued to fall, coating our jackets while the pond lay there pale and quiet. Up the hill the lodge lights glowed, beckoning us back to warm beds. Somewhere behind the low cloud covering was a moon I couldn’t see but knew was there.
“Full moon in five days,” I said.
“Never kiss a girl under a full moon unless you mean it.”
“If I can get her out of her cabin.”
“The wedding’s in five days,” Jack said. “She’ll come out.”
We turned and started back up the hill toward the lights, two sets of boots in the fresh snow. When we reached my cabin, I gave him a hug. “Thanks for talking me off a ledge.”
“Ride or die, brother. Ride or die.”
I went inside to my cabin and drifted toward the window. Her blinds were closed, but I could see a sliver of light. I placed my hand on the cold glass and whispered, “Please come out and let me love you.”
Full moon in five days. God willing I would coax the woman I love to stand under it and let me kiss her like I meant it.
For now, I let myself simply text her instead.
Knox
Just checking on you. Hope you’re all right. Call or text if you need me.
I waited too long for a reply to come back, but one never did. Feeling an ache much worse than my sprained ankle, I crawled into bed and willed myself to sleep. Whatever tomorrow brought, I would deal with it, even if it broke my heart.