20. Madeleine
MADELEINE
This storm had made my whole world disappear.
When I’d gotten back from Blake’s, I’d stood at my window and watched stormy weather eat the ranch.
First the pines, then the fire pit, Knox's cabin—all of it swallowed into a roaring gray-white nothing that pressed against the glass like it wanted in. My cabin had started creaking and shuddering, with wind screaming in a high continuous shriek down off the mountains. It wouldn’t stop.
I’m not one who scares easily. I helped raise my sister, sat in boardrooms with men who thought they could eat my lunch for breakfast, negotiated terms for my clients without a moment of apprehension.
However, being by myself in what felt like nothing more than a wooden box that nature could crush in a second scared me senseless.
This storm didn’t care about who it harmed.
There was nothing personal about it. No way to reason or negotiate with it. I had to simply wait it out. Alone.
The lights had flickered several times and then went out completely.
That’s when I really started to freak out.
I hate the dark. I associate it with childhood.
All the times we had the lights turned off until my mother could pay the bill.
Other times, storms took out entire blocks of electricity.
We were always the last neighborhood to have our power back. They saved the poorest for last.
Now I was here in the dark, with the storm raging, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a scared kid. The only place I could think to hide was the bathroom. There were no windows there.
Thank goodness my phone and earbuds were charged. My phone wasn’t getting reception but I had playlists saved on my phone. I turned one on that I’d made of old school country. For years, I’d listened to it when I needed to feel safe, and today was no exception.
I’d curled up on the bathroom floor with my back against the tub and wrapped myself in a blanket. I closed my eyes, red and swollen from crying, and let the music drown out the shriek of the storm.
All my life, music had been the only thing that had ever allowed me to truly escape.
It had not let me down today. I’d stayed in the bathroom for an hour at least, with Dolly, Emmylou, Reba all singing in my ears.
Like angels, they transported me to another world.
I could forget everything in the middle of one of their songs.
Not everything. Not Knox. He was fifteen feet away, in his own dark cabin, alone. Why had I walked by him when I’d had the chance to be with him, to be ushered inside where it was safe and warm? I could have been in his arms during this horrific storm instead of crying in the bathroom.
I sat alone in the bathroom for several hours, trying to drown out the storm with the music. At some point, my phone lit up with a text. I pulled one earbud out. The storm immediately rushed back in.
There were three texts. The times stamped strange and clustered, all delivered at once the way they do when the signal's been down and something finally punches through.
Ivy
Is Knox with you?
Ivy
Mads PLEASE answer me. Is Knox in your cabin? Nobody can find him and he's not answering his phone. Please tell me you’re okay and that he’s there with you. I’m freaking out.
Ivy
Grant found him. He's OK. But he was out in the storm. Grant saw him leave your porch and wander out in the storm. Apparently, Knox got lost but Grant used the rope thing and somehow saved him. It’s nothing short of a miracle.
Grant pulled him out of the snow down by the creek.
He’d gone that far off the path! A few more minutes and he might have ended up in the water.
But he’s fine. He's with Grant at his cabin. Please tell me you're OK too, the second you get this. I don’t know why you wouldn’t answer your door when Knox knocked.
I read it three times.
when Knox knocked.
I still couldn’t fully comprehend what I was reading. Knox had been out in the storm. He’d knocked on my door. When? Why hadn’t I answered him?
That was obvious. Because I didn’t hear him. Had he thought I had? Had he imagined I was on the other side of the door and just let him walk back into the storm?
He’d almost died. That much was clear.
I hadn't answered because I hadn't heard his knocking. I’d had the music on in my ears to drown everything out and boy had it worked. If I’d heard him knock, I would have pulled him inside. He would be with me now. Instead I’d almost caused his death.
Because of me. Of my inability to face anything emotionally hard. I’d been hiding away just like I always did, so that no one could reach me.
Madeleine. She was the one who had to hide.
Who chose to hide. Mindy Sue would have been standing at the window, assuming the foolish man would come to me when the storm broke out.
He’d have wanted to make sure I was inside and all right.
He’d have wanted to be with me. To weather the storm together.
Mindy’s voice echoed between my ears. He was out there alone and could have died while you were hiding like a baby. He wouldn’t have been found until after the storm passed and by then it would be too late. And I would never have known that his last act on earth was to find me.
Even after I’d blown him off this morning. Even then.
I got up off the floor and went to the front window, hoping to see a light from his cabin. However, all I could see was a wall of white.
I wanted to burst out of my cabin and go to him. I would tell him everything. How sorry I was. That I hadn’t heard his knocking. That I loved him. And that I’ve been a total and utter selfish fool.
I picked up my phone. My hands were shaking so hard I could barely make them work. First I typed a text to Ivy.
Madeleine
I’m okay. Your texts came through just now. I was in the bathroom, scared to death, with my earbuds in. I didn’t hear Knox knocking.
The text came back as undeliverable. Meanwhile, Ivy was probably losing her mind with worry.
I sent one to Knox next.
Madeleine
I didn’t hear you knocking. I had my earbuds in because I was so scared. I’m sorry. I would never have let you go back into the storm if I’d heard.
Like the one I’d sent to Ivy, it came back as undeliverable.
Now I had to wait.
I forced myself to lie on my bed and listen to the storm rage.
Madeleine would have put her earbuds back in, but Mindy Sue wouldn’t.
Mindy would want to face what she’d done.
Mindy would have allowed herself to love Knox with her whole heart instead of running.
Mindy would not have asked Blake to erase us falling in love.
She would have danced around the room, yelling at the top of her lungs—Knox Hartley loves me.
It was Mindy now who wept. I cried like I was a child, utterly bereft, wracking sobs. I cried for Madeleine. For her choices. For her armor. For letting the best thing that ever happened to her walk into a storm because of her fears.
I cried for Mindy too. I wept for sending her away with no regard to who she was or how much stronger she was than Madeleine Price, public relations shark.
Mindy had carried me through childhood, had helped to raise my baby sister, had gotten the grades and the scholarships.
Mindy did all that and I thanked her by sending her away.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I betrayed you.”
I swear I felt a hand touch my shoulder. “It’s okay now,” Mindy said. “You found your way back.”
I lay on my side, bringing my knees to my chest like I had when I was a child. And I cried and cried until there were no tears left and it was only Mindy in that bed, praying that Knox would come back to her but fairly sure he wouldn’t.