Chapter 16 #2
And if her future consisted of this—visiting hospitals and constantly fearing for her man’s safety—well, she didn’t think she could take it.
She’d already suffered once, and suffered mightily.
She didn’t think she deserved to go through something like that again, no matter how much she cared about this man.
They entered his room, found him lying in bed, his eyes closed. He was hooked up to an IV, his head was wrapped tightly with a snowy white bandage, and a smudge of soot was slashed across his cheek.
He looked wonderful, terrible, and so beautifully alive.
Jane stared at him, the shock of mussed dark hair standing straight up above the bandage, the nasty gash at his eyebrow. His left wrist was also wrapped.
She and Mac both turned when they heard someone enter the room. It was Eric. “Glad you guys got here.”
“How is he?” Mac asked before Jane could. Her throat was too thick with emotion to speak anyway.
“He’s good, better than they thought. They’ve got the IV in him just in case of dehydration.
He showed signs. He broke his wrist when he tried to break his fall, and also cracked a rib or two.
He’s got a couple of gashes on his head, and one of them they had to staple.
He’s sedated right now. Pain meds knocked him out. ”
“How long does he have to stay here?” Jane croaked, then cleared her throat, feeling foolish. But she couldn’t stop the rush of emotions that flooded her at being here, at the thought of almost losing Chris.
“They’re keeping him overnight for observation because of the hit he took to the head, but they’ll most likely release him tomorrow morning.” Eric nodded toward Jane. “He really wanted to see you. Maybe you should try talking to him.”
Jane’s mouth went dry. What would she say? Thank God you’re alive. I don’t think I can go through this again. I love you but I can’t stand the thought of losing you like this, so I’d rather walk away now.
How could she say any of that? How could she mean any of it?
But the thoughts wouldn’t stop tumbling through her mind, no matter how much she wished them away.
“We’ll leave you two alone,” Mac mumbled, squeezing her hand before he walked out with Eric.
Jane took a couple of steps closer to the bed and reached out to brush at Chris’s hair. She whispered his name, her voice cracking, and she said it louder, firmer, wanting to wake him up. Then again, she didn’t want to wake him up. Then she’d have to face him.
Face her fears.
His eyes slowly cracked open, bloodshot and oh, so weary. Unfocused for a moment, he squinted, his mouth curving into the smallest of smiles when he caught sight of her.
“Jane.” His voice was raw, scratchy, and he coughed. “You’re here.”
“Of course I am.”
“I, uh, I lied.” He coughed again, harder this time, and she waited, smoothing her hand over his shoulder until he finished.
“You lied about what?”
“I told you I was always careful. I guess I wasn’t this time. Got taken out by a beam.” He was trying to make light of it, but she saw the seriousness in his expression, the grim line of his mouth.
What happened had scared him, too.
“You didn’t know, Christian.” She let her hand drop away from his shoulder, wondering if it would be the last time she touched him.
God. She couldn’t believe she just thought that. But the protective shield was coming up, like a dome of glass slowly sliding over her, cocooning her from anything and everything that would hurt.
“I screwed up. I wasn’t paying attention. I was tired, distracted.”
Tired and distracted by her, she bet. They’d stayed up most of last night making love. He’d been exhausted. Yet another reason she needed to stay away from him. She contributed to putting his life at risk.
“Christian.” She sighed, the sound of it sad even to her own ears. “I can’t believe this happened to you.”
“I’m fine, though. Or I will be. I’ll be off duty for a little while, since I’ll need to recover. But hey, this guarantees I’ll be off for Christmas, right?” He chuckled and then groaned, his good hand reaching across his stomach. “Forgot about the ribs.”
Panic flared deep in her belly and a shuddery exhale escaped her. “I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered.
“You can’t do what?” His eyes opened wider, confusion dawning over his handsome features.
“The hospital. And seeing you like this.” She waved a hand toward the bed. “All of it. I can’t do it.”
“Baby, why don’t you go on home, and come visit me tomorrow at my place. I’ll be out of here by then.” He smiled, the sight of it cracking her heart in two. “I know you don’t like hospitals. I can’t blame you for that.”
“I also don’t like the fact that you put your life in danger every day,” she admitted, feeling like a soulless, heartless woman for even thinking what she was about to say. “I don’t know if this is something I can deal with. I’ve already lost someone I love once.”
She didn’t want to lose again, especially Christian. She loved him so much. She’d much rather walk away than watch him die.
“Jane.” His voice grew firm. “Do you know how rare this accident is? I swear it. I know guys who’ve worked for CAL Fire for more than thirty years who haven’t even suffered a scratch on the job.”
“But what if it happens again?” Her voice had turned shrill, panicked, and she shook her head.
“You can’t live your life based on what ifs.” His gaze pinned her where she stood, hardening with every quiet second that passed. She knew the moment he realized she wanted to leave. His gaze hardened, and his mouth formed into a thin line. “You’re saying you’d rather walk away.”
“I’m a burn victim in love with a firefighter. Do you not see the irony here, Christian?” She laughed but it sounded fake, even a little crazed. “It would probably never work in the long run.”
“You’re not willing to give it a try, even though you love me.” He sounded defeated, and that broke her heart.
“I’m not ready for this.” She paused and spoke the truth. “I’m too scared.”
“I’m scared, too,” he whispered, and she could tell the admission surprised him. But he continued on. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t know what happens next, but I’m willing to give it a try. Aren’t you?”
“I don’t know.” She shook her head again. She felt as if she couldn’t stop shaking her head. “I don’t know.”
“What we have is real.” His low, husky voice reached for her heart, twisted it with his words, and left it a quivering, broken mess.
He was right. It was real. But it was also risky. And she wasn’t sure she could take any more risks—she’d used them all up already.
She had children she needed to be strong for. Bringing another man into their life was a good thing, but not a man who could disappear just like their daddy had. More than anything, she didn’t want her children to suffer like that again, ever.
Jane knew she had to do this.
She had to end it.
“I can’t be with you,” she whispered as she stepped away from the bed. “I love you, Christian, but I just…can’t.”
And without another word, without letting him say anything to convince her otherwise, she walked out of the room.
She didn’t look back.