Chapter 17
Seventeen
’Tis the season to be jolly
fa la la la la
la la la la
It was so not the season to be jolly. At least, not for Jane. The Christmas carols on constant rotation set her teeth on edge. Her children’s palpable excitement made her head ache and she wanted to drown her frustrations in the homemade fudge her sister had given her.
Not quite the Christmas Eve she’d envisioned.
“Mom, is Captain Nelson coming tonight?” Logan asked, his innocent question zinging her right in the heart.
“I don’t think so, honey,” Jane admitted, glancing up in time to see the disappointment flare in her son’s eyes.
“Why not?” Lexi asked, a little smirk curling her lips. “Did we scare him away?”
“Was that your plan?” Jane glared at her daughter, anger rising within her. She rarely yelled, had hardly confronted Lexi since she started seeing Chris.
But this was the final straw.
Lexi visibly recoiled. “No. I wouldn’t do that, Mama.”
“You act like you would. Why do you hate him so much?”
“I don’t hate him.” Lexi’s bottom lip trembled. “I don’t hate him at all. I just don’t…don’t want you to spend all your time with him and forget about us.”
“Oh, Lex.” Jane went to her now crying daughter and drew her into her arms, hugging her close. They stayed that way for a while, until Lexi finally composed herself and offered a meek apology. Jane apologized as well and Lexi returned her attention to the television.
Jane rubbed the back of her neck. The holidays were making her tense. The way she’d dealt with Chris didn’t help and for once in her life, she would be ecstatic when Christmas was over.
The end of the year couldn’t come fast enough.
When Logan started chasing Sophia around the Christmas tree and nearly knocked it over, Jane couldn’t take it any longer.
She walked out of the room, away from the television blaring yet another cartoon holiday special, away from her children who were now fighting over who would have the biggest wrapped present at Grandma’s house.
She went into her bedroom, into the connecting bathroom, and shut and locked the door.
Her children could deal without her for a few minutes. She desperately needed the peace and quiet. Times like this made her steal moments in the bathroom, one of the only spots in the house that had a locking door.
If that door wasn’t locked, her children would be barging through it in less than…
“Mom!” Lexi pounded on the door, her little voice full of frustration. “Let me in! Logan is trying to open the presents!”
“Tell Logan to keep his paws off those gifts or he won’t have anything to open tomorrow.” Jane sighed, hated hearing the anger in her tone. They said the holidays brought out the worst in people, and she was afraid she was turning into one of those people.
She had no one to blame but herself. She should’ve never done what she did to Christian. Should’ve never said those horrible, wretched things to the man she loved. The man she still loved.
At his time of need, she’d walked out on him like some sort of coward.
She’d tried to make herself feel better—heck, even Mindy had tried to make her feel better by pointing out how scared she was of hospitals.
And fire. Oh yes, and tragedy. Anyone in her shoes would’ve reacted the same way, Mindy reassured her.
Jane didn’t think so. And the condemnation she saw in Mac’s eyes when she came upon him in the hallway after leaving Chris’s hospital room only confirmed it.
She’d hurt Chris, probably beyond measure. And there was nothing she could do about it now. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say, the excuses she would make for her behavior. Would she want to listen to herself after doing what she’d done? Any apology would only sound weak, without meaning.
It was best she stay home and sulk. This was supposed to be the Christmas where she made it magical, but instead, she’d ruined it. Ruined it for herself and therefore she ruined it for her children.
She’d ruined it for Chris, too.
She was selfish. Never before had she thought of herself that way, but it was true.
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and she swiped at them with the tips of her fingers. Crying was useless. Feeling sorry for herself even more so. She needed to pick up the pieces and make this right for her children. Focus on their joy and work on hers later.
She’d originally planned to spend tonight at home.
With Christian. But after her outburst at the hospital, she knew that wasn’t going to happen and she didn’t want to be alone.
Considering Mindy felt the same way and didn’t have her boys until tomorrow morning as per the temporary agreement with Marty, they’d decided to get together later.
Patrick, Lyssa, and their children would also join them.
But Mac had politely declined her invitation.
Jane had a feeling he was mad at her for what she’d done to his friend.
Well, fabulous. He could join the club.
Their parents were busy putting everything together for tomorrow.
Her mother was baking and cooking and creating so much chaos in the kitchen, Jane was glad she wasn’t there.
Her poor father had been stuck with cleanup duty.
Then, family from all over would congregate at the McKenzie household tomorrow afternoon to celebrate the season.
Jane almost didn’t want to go. More like she didn’t want to face everyone, many of them relatives she hadn’t seen since before the accident. Mac would be distant toward her and probably tell their siblings what she’d done to Chris. How she’d turned on a good man because of her silly fears.
This time the tears did come, and she let them fall, blinking so hard they clung to her lashes. A deep, trembling breath sounded in her lungs and she closed her eyes, wishing the empty feeling away.
She was being stupid. She should go to him.
Maybe after the holidays, after everything settled down, she would visit Chris, see if he’d hear her out.
Tell him how much she loved and missed him.
But the thought of him spending the holidays alone broke her heart.
She should go to him now. Or tomorrow, before she went to her parents…
The doorbell sounded, chiming “Jingle Bells,” and then Mindy’s voice rang in greeting, bright and cheery.
Way too cheery. Jane knew her sister was barely holding it together.
It was her first Christmas without Marty, the first Christmas Eve without her boys.
Despite the fact they hadn’t gotten along anymore, Jane knew Mindy still loved and missed Marty.
Well, now the both of them were in a fine mess.
Composing herself, Jane followed the chatter to the kitchen where she found Mindy unwrapping a plate of various cookies, the children diving in and grabbing them by the handful.
“Hey, hey, two each and that’s it.” Jane swatted their hands away, making them drop the fistful of cookies they’d grabbed. She glanced up at Mindy, who was already nibbling on a red frosted star-shaped sugar cookie. “How many of these have you made?”
Mindy shrugged. “Too many. I can’t stop. I’d rather bake than think about what a crappy Christmas this is.”
“Mind.” Jane glared at her, flicking her head toward the kids who watched the adults with wide eyes. “It’s not so bad, remember?”
“Right. Not so bad at all.” The sarcasm was extra thick. “What’s for dinner?”
“Tacos.” Jane smiled when the kids groaned. They hated the idea of tacos on Christmas Eve, but she really didn’t care.
“How—festive.” Mindy didn’t look too thrilled with it, either.
“I know, right?” Jane feigned ignorance and snatched a cookie from the plate. “I’m all about the easy tonight.”
The kids ran out of the kitchen once they’d finished gorging on cookies and Mindy shot her a speculative glance. “Are you all right?”
“Never better.” The smile grew, bright and false, and it hurt the corners of her mouth.
“Liar.” Mindy shook her head. “Why don’t you at least call him?”
“I thought about it. But he probably won’t listen to me.” Jane shrugged, trying to play it off.
But her big sister saw right through her.
“You’ll never know unless you give him a chance,” Mindy said.
“Why should he give me a chance? I flipped out, Mind. I stomped all over his heart and said the worst, the absolute rudest things imaginable. If I were him, I’d never want to see me again,” Jane said.
“He’s in love with you.”
“I’m sure he got over that real quick.” But Jane didn’t know if she’d ever get over it.
“People can’t turn off their emotions like a switch,” Mindy pointed out.
Jane arched a brow. “Marty seems to have done a good job of it.”
Mindy winced. “Nice one.”
“God, Mindy, I’m so sorry.” Jane pressed her trembling fingers over her mouth. “See? I’m even rude to you, my own flesh and blood. Maybe I should spend Christmas completely alone. It’s what I deserve.”
“No, you definitely don’t have to spend this holiday alone. I think you need all of us more than ever.” Mindy went to her and enveloped her in a hug. “See? If I can forgive you for that callous remark, certainly Chris can forgive you for stomping all over his heart.”
“Yeah, but you’re my sister. We offend each other constantly.” Jane held onto Mindy tight and closed her eyes. “I’m really sorry. That was uncalled for.”
“You’re forgiven. And unfortunately, you’re not too far off the mark. Marty seems to have forgotten we were together for almost twelve years.” Mindy moved away from her and grabbed a piece of fudge from the plate. “I love fudge.”
“My butt loves your fudge, too.” Jane gave it a light slap. “I swear I’ve gained five pounds with all the goodies you send our way.”
“Good, you need it. I, on the other hand, am turning into a fat pig. New Year’s resolution number one—go on a diet and start exercising.” Mindy made a checkmark in the air.