Chapter 9 Raven
“You shouldn’t be here,” I whispered to myself, lowering my forehead to the wall outside Bree’s room. “Too fucking old for this shit.”
Brianna isn’t Sarah.
“But I can help her,” I insisted, warring with the bitter, vengeful, heartbroken man inside. My crow didn’t like getting close to women, not after losing Sarah. Rescuing Brianna put me in close contact with the only woman to reach my dead heart since Sarah’s death. In truth, since I lost my son.
You can’t save her.
“I already did,” I contradicted vehemently. “She needs me.”
Sarah needed you, and you failed her.
Fuck. The reminder was a knife in the gut.
“It’s different this time,” I insisted, pushing away from the wall as I lifted a hand and knocked on the door.
The soft, timid voice of Bella’s sister answered. “Come in.”
Blowing out a breath, I straightened, greeting Brianna as I entered. “Good morning, babygirl.”
“Raven.” The sweet twitch of her lips as she tried to smile warmed my heart. After everything this brave young woman went through, she didn’t have a lot of reasons to smile, but the fact that she wanted to for me was goddamn intoxicating.
“Is there anything I can do for you? Anything you need?”
She bit her lip, small white teeth tugging the plump, smooth surface. “Would you stay with me for a bit? Unless you’re busy,” she hastily added. “I don’t want to be alone.”
Too busy for her? Fuck no. Shit ran smoothly in this club because everyone did their job.
Prospects handled the rest. I delegated when necessary and brought issues to the pres.
Today I didn’t have a single fucking thing going on more important than taking a seat next to Brianna and offering my company.
“How are the nightmares?” I asked, remembering what Sarah had once said to me. The nightmares can scar worse than the trauma. It’s reliving it over and over again that breaks you down.
She blinked. “I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, he’s there.
” She shuddered. Dark circles marred the creamy skin of her flawless complexion.
So beautiful. In her eyes, though, I saw how haunted she was by the motherfucker who harmed her.
He couldn’t die enough times to make this right.
If I could keep him in the basement and torment him for a hundred years, it wouldn’t be enough.
I hated that Crow got a portion of the justice he craved, and I wasn’t there to avenge Brianna.
“Do you want to talk about it? Sometimes releasing the burden helps.”
“How?” she asked bitterly, her voice pained. “It’s already got roots deep in my soul.”
I stood up, sitting on the edge of her bed.
Don’t do it. You can’t take it away.
“May I touch you? Your hand,” I clarified, reaching in her direction.
Brianna slowly moved her hand, sliding it across the white blanket covering her bed. When we touched, she winced but didn’t pull away. “I’m afraid.”
“Of?” I asked, rubbing tiny circles into the surface.
My ability to calm, soothe, and manipulate emotion was limited to the strength or weakness of the mind, meaning those who were weak were easy, and the strong ones were difficult.
Rarely had I met someone who was impossible to influence and could reject my touch.
I had to fight to breach the barrier Brianna erected. Her will was one of the strongest I had ever encountered and yet combined with an innocence and sweetness that I found irresistible.
She’s too similar to Sarah.
I hated the old crow knew me so well, but that went both ways. We were comfortable with one another and could expose the demons within—something I never allowed anyone else to do.
“What if I never feel normal again, Raven?”
“Who cares about normal?” I asked, enclosing her hand in mine.
Soothing waves of warmth flowed into her as she stiffened, fighting the comfort I wanted to give.
“Normal is bullshit. It doesn’t exist. Feeling like yourself?
Accepting and loving every part, even the dark parts, that’s all that fucking matters. ”
Her fingers twitched, and I could feel her beginning to relax. “I don’t know if that’s possible.”
“Which part?”
“Moving on enough to accept the dark parts.”
“Then you ask for help. You fight because you can’t let the demons win.”
Her fingers squeezed mine. “I’ve fought most of my life, Raven. I’m tired.” Her voice wavered, and my heart nearly stuttered, hating the vulnerability and agony contained inside and entirely too visible in the glassy-eyed stare she didn’t bother to hide.
“Then I’ll help you, Brianna. I don’t think you need me, though. You’re fucking strong, babygirl. You can do this.”
“You don’t know me.”
She was wrong. I did. My crow did, too, even if he wouldn’t voice it.
Every encounter we had in the past led us to this moment in the future.
“I know enough. I can see people. Maybe I’m just old and full of shit.” Shrugging, I tried to lighten the heaviness in the room. “But I’ve lived a lot of years on this earth, and I can tell you, the fight is worth it.”
She gave me an incredulous look. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before.”
“Not sure if that’s good or bad,” I admitted with a chuckle. “I’m set in my ways and have seen a lot of shit.”
“But you’re real, Raven. I appreciate that.” Her eyes fluttered, and her chin dropped for a few seconds before she jerked awake. “I’m so sleepy.”
“I’ll stay with you. If you have a nightmare, you won’t be alone.”
“Why would you do that?”
“You remind me of someone I knew long ago.” Someone else who couldn’t fight the pain, who battled with the same sadness and fear, and whose beauty stole my very breath from my chest.
She’s not Sarah.
No, my mate died, and I wasn’t able to stop it. I’d never forgive myself for allowing it to happen. I should have done so many things differently.
Never again. Not another innocent would suffer when I could prevent it. I would help Brianna, and maybe the dark parts of me would hate less.
Brianna yawned, her head turning my way. “Promise you won’t leave me alone?”
“I promise. You sleep, babygirl. If those dragons pop up, I’ll be there to slay them.”
A HEARTWRENCHING, TERROR-filled scream echoed inside The Roost, traveling through the nearly empty halls and filling the clubhouse with the wails of a broken soul.
I hadn’t left Brianna’s side as promised.
As soon as I realized she was having a nightmare, I began to gently brush my fingertips across her face, hoping to coax her back into reality without scaring her further.
I held one of her soft, small hands, lightly rubbing across the surface of her skin.
I pushed every soothing emotion I could into her.
Her eyes blinked open in an instant, no longer fighting off the monsters from her dream. Dark circles smudged beneath the brilliant green, dulled by suffering and pain.
“You’re still here,” she whispered, her voice wavering.
“Yes. I had to slay a few dragons,” I reminded her, hoping my touch didn’t spook her.
She withdrew her hand from mine, tucking it beneath the blanket as I backed up, returning to the chair beside her bed.
She seemed lost in the foggy haze between dreaming and waking. A frown drew her brows together.
“One day, those bad dreams are gonna stop, babygirl.”
Her chin wobbled as her eyes grew glassy with unshed tears. “I don’t know if I believe that.”
“How about I believe for you?”
She blinked, and a lonely tear slid down her cheek, falling with a soundless drip from her chin. “I don’t know how to survive this, Raven.”
My breath seized at the thought that she didn’t want to go on. Just like Sarah.
“You keep going. You breathe one minute to the next. Put one foot in front of the other until each step is less painful than the last.”
I didn’t say those words out of some philosophical bullshit spouted by some fucker who never actually experienced trauma or loss.
No, I knew what she felt—had known the same gut-twisting, painful horror.
I wasn’t a fucking hypocrite. Maybe I didn’t have the right to speak in such a way to her, but I couldn’t stand to see her suffering.
It tore me up, wrung out my insides, and blazed a searing iron into my soul.
“I don’t know.”
“You live for that day, sweetheart. Every single fucking minute. You push back, and you keep breathing.”
“Raven, I don’t think I can.” Her chest heaved as she panted, grasping the blanket in her hands and bunching the material.
“You can. You will,” I promised.
“How can you be so confident?”
I wanted to scream that the crow led me to her, that we were destined to find one another.
A part of me wanted to confess that I didn’t know shit except seeing her; being near her enabled me to breathe a little easier too.
“Because fate didn’t bring us together only to watch us fall apart.”
Her fingers dropped the material, her gaze snapping to mine as her chin lifted. “My heart says that’s true, but my head argues that it’s silly to trust in something so uncertain.”
I moved closer, wanting to erase the horrors she experienced, so she didn’t have to fight endlessly to escape them. “Let me help you.”
“How?”
“When it gets too overwhelming, tell me. I’ll be your rock, sweetheart. Lean on me when you feel your strength is gone. I’ll give you mine.”
“Okay.”
Her eyes were so haunted.
It hit me hard, and I fought for breath, catching a mirror image of the pain I’d been wrestling with for years. We were more alike than either of us would admit, suffering through situations that weren’t fair and struggling to come to terms with it.
Knowing how she felt to some degree, I fought the idea that I wasn’t the right person to help her through the healing process. Her sister Bella was the right choice. Not a rough old biker who could mess things up and probably say all the wrong things.
A timid smile lifted her lips.
My dick twitched, just like it often did whenever I thought about her, proving I was a sick fuck to want her after all she’d been through. And it didn’t matter anyway. She was too young and sweet, and I was too old and set in my ways.
I didn’t do relationships or seek out women for more than a night’s pleasure. I wasn’t about to change all that for a set of pretty green eyes and a warm smile that did something funny to my cold, dead heart.
And yet, here I was, seeking her out, aching from the pain so blatant in those mesmerizing eyes and yearning for another second in her presence.
I wanted to steal her suffering and agony and all those fucking nightmares and rip them apart, set them on fire, and watch them burn until nothing remained but ash. I wanted to see a real smile grace those pretty, pouty lips that begged to be kissed, but only once she was ready.
Until then, I’d remain the black raven in the shadows. Watching. Waiting. A silent protector hiding until needed.