7. Chapter Seven #2
“For a mafia man, you’re not the worst,” he murmurs. “The fact you care for her is a good thing. It means you haven’t fully lost your humanity. But you can’t be a good husband to her and do the things you do. I think you know that. Deep down. It’s something you have to come to terms with.”
“How does this help Lana?”
“It helps by being honest with her about who you are. Find out why she hurt herself and then do what must be done to help her.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I huff.
Ivanov shrugs. “It doesn’t have to be hard but I know that these things are rarely easy. They take time. Her pulse is getting stronger by the minute.”
My spine remains stiff. Not even a hammer could break it. “Will she be all right?”
“Physically, yes. But mentally? I have no idea.”
The doctor’s words are of no comfort for me. All I can do is watch the color come back into Lana’s cheeks and figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do next.
Lana
When my eyes open, I see that I’m in some sort of… hospital room. Cabinets full of medicine. An IV in my arm. Fluorescent light above that hurts my eyes.
I glance down at my wrist to find it wrapped in a bandaged. I barely remember what happened.
“You’re awake,” a man says. A voice I don’t know.
Turning my head to the side, I see a small man next to me. “Who…” The oxygen mask around my nose makes it hard to talk.
He gives me a gentle smile and takes the mask off me. “I am Dr. Ivanov. Your husband brought you to me. I made sure you were all right. Gave you blood to help replace the blood you lost. Stitched up your wound. You will survive.”
“Where is...” I shake my head “… my husband? He brought me here? Where is he?”
“He had a call to take but he said he’d be back in a minute. He’ll be happy to see that you’re alive.”
I’m not sure how to feel about that.
“Lana, may I ask… why did you do that to yourself?”
I look away from the doctor and blink the tears back. “Does it matter?”
“It matters greatly. You hurt yourself. You must have been in a lot of despair to have done that.”
All the memories come flooding back. The lead role. How I didn’t truly earn it. Svetlana hurting my hands. Seeing Nikolai torture that man. My father turning away from me.
“I noticed,” he says, “that you also had wounds here.” He points at the scratches Svetlana left behind. “Did you do those as well?”
“No. Someone else.” I don’t offer more. The ice princess. That is what I have to be right now. The shame of what I did is hitting me. How embarrassing. Getting caught trying to end my life. But I wasn’t trying to end it. I was just…
I just needed to feel the pain to know I was alive. The coldness had been overtaking me.
“Do you want to share more?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“I can’t force you to give me answers but I would appreciate them. Maybe I can help.”
“You said you’re a doctor but this doesn’t look like a typical hospital room. Not fully.”
“That’s because you’re at my home. I am Nikolai’s private, personal doctor.”
I figured. My father has one himself. “Which means Nikolai pays you. How can I fully trust you?”
“I am not Nikolai. Does your husband scare you?”
The image of Nikolai in that basement, just watching as Lev cut that man’s penis off. I shudder.
Before I can give Dr. Ivanov an answer – if I even have one – the door opens and Nikolai walks in. His eyes widen for a second as he sees that I’m awake.
“Lana.” The softness in his voice surprises me. How can he hurt someone so bad and then be gentle with me? This man who wanted me from the first second he saw me. This man who killed Claudia because she tried to hurt me. This man who tortures other men.
This man who excites me, deep down. We never got to finish what we started on our wedding night and now I’m not sure we ever will.
The doctor looks between me and my husband before standing up. “I’ll give you two a moment.”
Once he leaves the room, Nikolai sits down beside me and reaches for my hand but I pull it away before he can touch me. “I know you’re scared. What you saw in that basement… it wasn’t for your eyes.”
“I got that.”
“I never wanted you to see that side of me. I always did say it was better you didn’t know. Is that why you cut yourself? Because of what you saw? Because… of me?”
I stare down at the bandaged around my wrist. “I can’t say.”
“You don’t want to say why you hurt yourself or you don’t know the reason?”
I know the reason. All the reasons. But it’s shameful to admit it all. I should have been better. I should have been perfect and I failed.
“There must have been a reason you did this,” he continues. “Talk to me.”
I huff. “Why should I talk to you when you were keeping me in the dark? You never talked to me about all the things you’ve done.”
“That was for your own benefit. Look at you now. You’re upset. This is why I didn’t want you to know.”
“I should have known.”
“Why? Why does that matter? That part of me is not for you. That’s not the side I want you to see.”
“You want to treat me like an innocent little girl. You want to make sure I get the lead role when I told you I wanted to earn it of my own accord. You want to control my life.”
“Is it wrong to want to take care of you?”
I force my eyes to look into his. “Yes. It’s wrong when you think I can’t do this on my own terms. When you hide things from me. I wanted to get that role by my own merit and you stole that from me.”
“You got the lead role in Swan Lake? That’s a good thing. It’s what you always wanted.”
“Are you not listening to me?” I snap. “I wanted to earn it myself. I never wanted you to give it to me.”
His eyes show no emotion. It’s so hard to read him sometimes. “I only told Camille to hold another audition. I never told her to give you the main role.”
“But you frightened her. She asked me if I wanted it. She said she would give the role to Maria if I made it clear to you that I chose to not take the role. Which means she’s terrified of you and she made that choice out of fear. Not because she thought I deserved it.”
“Did you tell her to give the role to Maria?”
I hesitate.
A knowing smile crosses Nikolai’s lips. “You decided to keep the role, didn’t you?”
I flush and turn my face away.
“I am not judging. I want you to have that role. I want you to prove to everyone that you do deserve that. That you’re a beautiful dancer. It’s what I saw in you from the beginning.”
“How could you torture someone? You didn’t look scared at all.”
“Years of practice. And if you continue with your dance, you’ll become perfect. I can help you be perfect, Lana. Just don’t ever hurt yourself again. It’s clear to me that you need my help.”
“How can you help me? You’re the reason I did this.” I motion at my wrist.
He doesn’t even flinch. No emotion. What is he thinking? “Let’s go home. You need to rest and heal from this ordeal.”
I keep my composure as Nikolai calls the doctor in and tells him I’m ready to go. Dr. Ivanov hesitates but eventually bows to Nikolai’s will and takes the IV out of my arm and helps me to my feet.
I wobble for a moment. Nikolai catches my arm, steadying me. His strength is attractive, I cannot deny. I wish we could go back to our wedding night.
But I can’t unsee what I saw in that basement. Now that I know the kind of man my husband really is, I can’t look at him the same.
Yet, I still desire him. I can’t make sense of it.
Nikolai drives me back to his house, only a few minutes away, and helps me to our bedroom. I sink into the soft mattress as a bone tiredness takes over me. Nikolai pulls the blanket around my body and pushes my hair out of my face.
“Rest.” Without another word, he leaves the room.
It doesn’t take long for sleep to take over me.
When I wake up, I realize that I can’t move my body. My arms are above my head but I can’t pull them down. What…?
Looking up, I see that my wrists are bound with silk ties that are tied to the headboard. Am I in some sort of nightmare or is this reality?
I let out a blood curdling scream and Nikolai calmly walks into the room. I stop screaming. “Help me. Why am I tied up?”
“Because I don’t want you to hurt yourself again and right now, I don’t trust you, Lana. You need my control. Give in to it. Let me help you. Let me help you become the woman I know you want to become.”
“By tying me to the bed? My wrist hurts.”
“You did that to yourself. Maybe the pain will help remind you to not do that.” His hands sweep over mine. “How did you get these scratches? You were bleeding when you came to me in the basement. What happened? Did you hurt yourself twice?”
“Let me go,” I spit out, tugging at the silk ties but they only tighten around my wrists. Pain flares up the one I cut.
“You need to learn to let go, Lana. You still hold yourself back in your dance. You hold yourself back in life. It’s why you hurt yourself. But I can help you learn to let go.”
“You’re doing this for me? Are you deranged?”
He sits beside me and leans over until our foreheads are close to touching. “Are you afraid of me? Most people wouldn’t speak to me this way if they were truly afraid of me.”
In one fast motion, he captures my lips in a kiss. It’s the most heated one we’ve shared. The longest one too. I can’t deny that it feels amazing – like heaven on earth. Never have I felt this consumed.
But Nikolai pulls away just as fast. “I don’t want to hurt you, Lana. This is not to hurt you. I care for you and I don’t care for that many people. You’re special to me. I’ll let you go once you stop fighting it.”
I try kicking him but he stands up before I can reach him.
“Learn to let go,” he repeats before leaving the room.
I don’t listen to a word he says. Instead, I kick and scream and don’t stop for hours.
Once my body and throat become too sore, I finally stop moving. I give in to the ties around my wrists. I stop and let my body relax.
I’ve been dancing for most of my life. On the move, move, move. It’s strange to just… stop.
I have to admit – it feels kind of good.