19. Chapter Nineteen #2
“Wow. I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
I chuckle, even though it hurts my body. The morphine is starting to wear off. “I mean it.” My eyes slide to Elena. “How are you?”
“I’m so happy you’re alive. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“How have you been holding up? I know Father is hard on you.”
Elena flinches and wraps her arms around herself. For someone so beautiful, it’s sad to see her so withdrawn. At eighteen, she should be having the time of her life but instead, she looks so miserable. “I’m trying. When I’m at school, I have a moment to get away. But then when I come back home…”
“I don’t even understand why Father hates you so much,” Adriana says.
Elena shrugs. “I thought it was because I’m a brunette and you’re both blondes. You both look like Mom but I… don’t. Maybe there’s another reason. I don’t know. I can never seem to make him proud. I’m going to college to be a writer. He doesn’t approve.”
“The fact that you’re even in school is a good thing,” I say. “It means he might come around.”
“I just think he’s glad to have me out of the house when I’m at school. I think he’s glad I’ll have an education so he can rub it in the faces of his men who’s daughters don’t have educations. I don’t think he let me go to college for me. I think he let me go for himself.”
“But you can use your education one day,” I remind her. “That’s a good thing. You can get a job with your degree. You don’t have to have the same fate as me.”
She tries to smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes. We both know that what I’m saying isn’t true. More than likely, Elena will be married off to a mafia man of our father’s choosing.
So will Adriana. And if I have a daughter, her fate will be the same. A never ending cycle of mafia women being used as sacrifices in deals to be made.
“Whenever you can,” I say, “come over. Both of you. And whenever I can, I’ll come to see you. Father probably won’t allow me through the door but who knows? Maybe after everything that’s happen, he’ll ease up.”
“When were you this positive before?” Adriana mutters.
I nod at my leg. “I can’t walk yet, Adriana. I need something to keep me positive. I need… hope in something tangible.”
“You have a better chance of walking again then Father not being an asshole.”
“Language,” I remind Adriana.
She rolls her eyes. That’s the sister I know and love, even when she drives me crazy.
“You two need to lean on each other,” I say to them. “Please.”
Elena and Adriana share a wary look. They’ve never been close. Too different. Elena too shy and Adriana too blunt.
“We’ll try,” Elena says.
Adriana makes a face but nods anyway.
“Good.”
Father comes back into the room, making the temperature go down ten degrees. “Girls, we should get going. You’ve had enough time with Lana. We need to get back home.”
Adriana gives me one more hug before leaving the room. Elena hesitates.
“Elena,” Father snaps at her.
The small amount of light in her eyes dims and she walks away. It breaks my heart to see my favorite sister like this.
“Be nice to her,” I say to my father before he can leave.
“I am just being a father. Nothing more.”
“You’re not being a father to her. You’re being a cold monster to her. You’re killing her, Father.”
His lips form a hard line. “I will forgive you saying that since you’re hurt. But don’t ever judge me as a father again. You will not be allowed over my threshold if you do. Just because you’re a married woman now, does not give you the right to talk to me this way. You are still my daughter.”
Any hope I had for Elena and Adriana is gone.
I let my stoicism take a hold of me. Something I learned from him.
Father nods once before he walks away. My mother doesn’t even come to say goodbye.
Nikolai takes his place at my side again. “Are you all right? I can talk to your father for you.”
“I don’t want you two fighting. That would only make things worse for my sisters. If you and my father were at war, then I would never get to see my sisters again. So, no. Don’t say anything. He’ll never change. That much is obvious.”
“You’ve changed a lot over the months we’ve been married. Change is possible.”
“Is that something you see a lot in your line of work?”
His eyes darken. “No. No, I don’t see many people change. If any of them do, they tend to change for the worse. Like Lev did.”
“He was your best friend.”
“And now he’s gone. I’ve already moved on. The moment he hurt you, he was dead to me. You’re the most important thing in my life, Lana. Never forget that.”
And there Nikolai goes again: healing me slowly, only the way he can.
I start physical therapy in the hospital. The first day is hard.
“You can do it,” the physical therapist says. A young woman, probably in her thirties, named Sofia. “You got this, Lana.”
She helps me stand on my feet while I grip the four legged-crutch.
“It hurts,” I grit out, pushing through the pain.
“I know. But you can do this.”
“I know I can,” I snap. I force myself to stand upright. My leg shakes and trembles. Never have I felt this weak in my entire life. I gasp and sink back onto the bed.
“That was impressive,” Sofia says. Nikolai watches from the corner of the room. “Most people can’t stand up the day after. But you did. I can tell you’re strong.”
“I was a dancer my whole life. A ballerina.”
“That explains it. Why don’t we try again?”
I know it’s going to be hard but I don’t stop. I’m going to walk again so I can dance again. I will never stop.
After a week in the hospital and doing physical therapy every day, I’m allowed to go home but I have to meet up with Sofia every day to work on getting the mobility back in my leg.
In just one week, I can walk across a room without getting tired but to do more than that is too much.
And I have to use crutches to walk, which is only humiliating.
Nikolai doesn’t offer me words of encouragement when I practice with Sofia. He only remains in the room and watches. I know it’s his silent way of helping me and it does. His eyes are the part of him that first drew me in. And now his eyes are the part of him that will spur me on to get better.
It takes weeks for me to be able to walk without crutches and when I do walk, I have a slight limp.
The first day I’m able to walk on my own, I decide to go back to my dance studio. I can’t dance yet, especially not ballet. But I can walk and I’m going to show those ballerinas off that I’m still alive and well.
The dance studio is filled with chatter when I walk in but that all goes quiet the moment the girls see me.
“Lana,” Eliza gasps. “You’re here. We all heard about your accident. You’re walking.”
“I am.” I grit my teeth to step forward and not limp. I will not show these girls any weakness.
“Are you… dancing yet?” Eliza bites her lip like she’s worried I’m here to take back what’s mine.
“I heard that you guys are performing Romeo and Juliet soon. Who took my part?”
Eliza bows her head. That pretty much tells me everything. “You were hurt. It was only fair it went to me. I didn’t steal it from you.”
I huff. “Why do you look so guilty then?”
“Because you got hurt. It makes a person feel bad.”
“Not bad enough to not take my part.”
Eliza makes herself stand up straighter. All the other girls just watch in excitement. Vultures. All of them. “You didn’t hesitate to take Claudia’s part when she was in the hospital, now did you?”
“You’re right. I didn’t. And you want to know what happened? No one clapped for me when I played her role and no one will clap you for now, Eliza. Besides, Claudia didn’t make it out of surgery. I did. I’ll be back to dance again. Don’t get too comfortable.”
“You’re limping.” She crosses her arms and juts her hip out. “I doubt you’ll be able to dance again. Your leg is busted. Your career is over.”
“It’s only been a little over a month and I’m already walking this well. It won’t take me that much longer to dance again. I promise you that.” I turn away from the ballerinas, keeping my head high.
Camille enters the studio, her eyes widening when she sees me. “Lana. You’re here. I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Hi, Camille. I have just one question for you: why did you never come to visit me in the hospital?”
Her mouth drops open. “I… I’ve been busy with running the new show.”
“You couldn’t even pick up the phone and call to see if I was all right? Was a part of you relieved I wasn’t available to dance anymore? Now you don’t have to worry about my husband or my father.”
“I…” Shame crosses her features. “I am sorry, Lana. I should have at least called.”
“You should have.” It’s slowly dawning on me that I’m not welcomed here. I don’t think I’ve ever fully been welcomed here. “You said I was perfect for the role of Juliet. That I had earned it of my own accord.”
“And you did. You finally did.”
That hits me in the gut. When I was a child, learning ballet, my father paid for all my lessons. But I know he used to pay Camille to put me in the front of the group when I was young. I never really earned my success because of my father and then husband.
But then I did and it was all snatched away thanks to Lev. Fucking Lev.
He can rot in hell.
“I’m not coming back,” I announce. A part of me wants to learn to dance again to rub it all in their faces. But in this moment, I know. I want to learn to dance again for myself. Not for a competition. Not for a main role.
I just want to dance because… I love it. Not for any other reason.
“You’re… not?” Camille asks. “I mean, Lana…” She nods at my leg. “I’m not sure you were ever going to be able to come back.”
“You never cared for me,” I say to Camille.
She looks stunned but she can’t deny it.
“You never have. You must have been glad when I was gone. And I see the way I am here. I see how toxic I become when I’m here.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life.
This place… makes me miserable.” The weight on my shoulders gets lifted.
I know as I speak just how true everything I’m saying is.