30. Madison
30
MADISON
I stare at the little plastic stick in my hand, my heart pounding so loudly I can barely hear anything else. Positive .
A positive pregnancy test.
I check the box again just to make sure. Yes, the cross means positive. I turn the pregnancy test slightly, looking at it in different reflections of the light. The cross doesn’t change to a single line no matter how I turn it.
I blink, trying to clear my head. It’s not a mistake. It can’t be. I’ve taken two more tests just to be sure, and each one said the same thing: I’m pregnant.
I push myself to my feet and stumble over to my bed. One of the dogs in the living room thumps against my bedroom door. By their growling, they’re obviously playing a rousing game of chase.
I sit down on the edge of my bed, my legs suddenly feeling too weak to hold me up. My hands are shaking. I try to take a deep breath, but it feels like my chest is too tight. It’s like air can’t get in. I struggle to take a few deep breaths before I’m able to feel like the oxygen is really reaching my brain .
This can’t be happening. Not now. Not when everything with Ethan has just blown up in my face.
Ethan.
The moment his name pops into my head, my stomach flips, but not from morning sickness. I’ve actually had some relief from the constant nausea these last couple of days. This time, my stomach feels nervous.
Ethan doesn’t even know. We haven’t spoken since I told him we should end things, that it’s too complicated with Aurora knowing. The last thing I expected to happen was this. How the hell am I supposed to tell him that I’m pregnant?
I drop the pregnancy test onto the bed beside me and press the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to push back the tears that are already threatening to spill over. I can’t break down right now. I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
A loud crash from the living room snaps me out of my thoughts, and I jump up from the bed, rushing toward the noise. One of the dogs must’ve gotten into something—again.
“Tigger! What did you do?” I know immediately who it is because Tigger is slinking away from the kitchen with his tail between his legs. Piglet is too small to create this much chaos. And Samson knows better.
Tigger has managed to knock over a chair, which must be what the loud noise was. But before he went for the chairs, he somehow managed to open the pantry. And now… everything on the bottom shelf has been yanked off and trampled on the floor. Somehow, he ripped open a bag of flour. There’s flour everywhere—on the floor, on the counters, on Tigger, who is now tracking it through the living ro om. It looks like a bakery exploded in my kitchen, and I can’t help the scream that escapes my throat.
“Are you serious right now?” I yell, my voice shaking with frustration.
Tigger wags his tail which swings more flour back and forth in the kitchen, looking up at me with those big, innocent eyes like he has no idea why I’m upset. Normally, I’d laugh this off, but today… Today, it’s just too much. The stress, the pregnancy test, the disaster in my kitchen—it all comes crashing down on me at once, and I feel like I’m going to explode.
I grab a towel and start wiping up the mess, but my hands are trembling so badly I can barely hold it. Tears are stinging at the corners of my eyes again, and this time, I don’t bother trying to hold them back. I sink down to the floor in the middle of the mess and bury my face in my hands, letting the tears flow freely.
I feel so overwhelmed. It’s better to just cry than to try to hold it all in.
After a few minutes, I pull myself together enough to reach for my phone. I can’t deal with this alone. I need someone—someone who can help me think straight. I scroll through my contacts, and my thumb hovers over Ethan’s name for a second. But I can’t call him. Not yet. Not until I figure out what I’m going to say.
I can’t tell him I’m pregnant like this, not until I have a better handle on the situation.
Instead, I dial Zoe’s number. I can always trust her to listen and give me good advice. And she already knows about my relationship with Ethan. She picks up on the third ring, and the sound of her voice immediately brings a fresh wave of tears to my eyes .
“Madison? What’s wrong?” She sounds concerned, and she should be. I’m on the edge of a mental breakdown.
“I… I don’t know what to do. Can you come over? Please?”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Zoe says without hesitation.
True to her word, Zoe shows up at my door in no time, her face immediately softening when she sees the state I’m in. My clothes are now covered in flour, and Tigger is still tracking it into the living room. It feels like no matter how much I clean up, he just spreads the mess that much more.
“Madison, honey, what happened?” Zoe gets on the floor next to me, not bothering to worry about her clothes getting dirty. She wraps her hands around me, and I fall into her hug. My eyes are tearing up again.
Where are all these tears coming from?
I pull back, wiping at my eyes. Then, the words just tumble out, “I’m pregnant.”
Zoe’s eyes widen in surprise, but she quickly pulls me back into a hug. “Oh, Mads. I had no idea. Have you… Have you told Ethan? It’s his, right?”
I shake my head, biting my lip to keep from crying again. “It’s his, but I can’t. We ended things. Aurora knows about us. You know the rumors she was spreading. I’m sure you figured out Ethan is the older man I was telling you about. I don’t know how she found out, but we decided it was better to end things so neither one of us loses our relationship with Aurora, and…I can’t tell him now .”
Zoe pulls back and looks at me with a serious expression. “Madison, you have to tell him. He deserves to know.”
I know she’s right, but the thought of facing Ethan right now feels impossible. How am I supposed to explain all of this when I’m barely keeping it together myself ?
“I just… I don’t know how. I need to get myself together first, and the dogs don’t make that easy.”
Zoe takes my hand and squeezes it. “You don’t have to do this alone, okay? We’ll figure it out together. Let me at least help you clean up the kitchen. Who’s responsible for this mess?”
I point to Tigger. Zoe grabs a towel from the stack on the floor and starts cleaning Tigger off before putting him in his kennel so he can’t get into the dirty kitchen again.
For a moment, I just watch, awestruck at how she comes in and takes over a situation. It immediately makes me feel better.
I get up and grab a broom. Sweeping everything up into a pile helps me feel like I’m making some progress. Maybe I don’t have any idea what to do with my life, but at least, I can deal with this problem. Zoe comes over a few minutes later and begins sorting through the food that was trampled, throwing most of it away but finding a few things that are salvageable. Neither one of us talks as we work, but it only takes us ten minutes to get the kitchen sorted out again.
“That wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be when I first walked out here.”
“It helps when there’s more than one person to clean it up.” Zoe offers a smile and motions for me to sit on the couch.
“I’ve learned to keep my pantry door shut…always.” I sink onto the couch and close my eyes. That extreme exhaustion hits me again, but at least I know it has an explanation now.
“Okay, let’s talk this through.” Zoe settles in next to me and squeezes my shoulder, and I love how calm she is about everything. It’s like she literally has nothing else to do or anywhere else to be. She can spend all the time in the world with me. “First things first. Take a deep breath. We’ll deal with one thing at a time.”
I nod, trying to steady my breathing. Zoe’s calm presence is exactly what I need right now.
“Have you been feeling okay? Any symptoms? I’m assuming you took a test, and that’s how you know.”
At first, my body balks. I can’t talk about it right now. I just found out. I haven’t even processed it. But then, I slowly let go of control and realize it feels good to let it go. Zoe is my judgment-free zone, and I feel calm with her around.
“Yeah, I just took the test, then the dogs… well, you saw. But I’ve been nauseous, exhausted, and just…off. I thought I was coming down with something at first, but then it was like the symptoms would come and go. It didn’t make any sense.”
Zoe nods thoughtfully. “It sounds like you’re already dealing with a lot. But you don’t have to figure everything out today. We’ll take it step by step. And I want you to know that you don’t have to do this yourself. I’m here with you, and I really think once you tell him…Ethan might be, too.”
I look over at her, feeling a little more optimistic just having her here. “Thank you.”
Zoe smiles. “You’d do the same for me. Now, let’s talk about what you want to do next.”
I hesitate, the weight of the question pressing down on me. “I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I should go to the doctor. I mean, how accurate can those tests really be anyway? Sure, I’ve been feeling a little sick, but I mean… I would know if I’m pregnant, right?”
“I think some people do, but I don’t think every woman innately knows. That’s why pregnancy tests were invented. I think you can go to the doctor and get a blood test, though. I’d have to look into it. I don’t know that much about it. ”
I nod, absorbing the information. Having a doctor tell me I’m pregnant would make it feel more real, I think. “Maybe I should do that.”
“Then, after it’s confirmed, you should tell Ethan. It’s going to be a big conversation, but you shouldn’t have to go through this without him.”
I let out a shaky breath. “You’re right. I’ll tell him. But…not today.”
Zoe gives me a reassuring smile. “No, not today. Take the time to absorb the information yourself and get the blood test if you want.”
“I think I’m going to do that.” By the time I get a doctor’s appointment, get the test done, and get the results, at least a week will have passed by then. Maybe I’ll feel more confident about approaching him.
“Doing okay?” Zoe asks after I’ve been lost in my thoughts for a few moments.
“Just trying to figure out what this means. I have to…find out how far along I am.”
Zoe smiles, and I catch the first glimmer of excitement. “And this means I’m going to be an aunt.”
I smile back at her. I’m not sure I’m ready to look at this pregnancy as a blessing yet, but I love Zoe’s enthusiasm. We all promised each other long ago that if and when we had kids, we would raise them with all the rest of us being that kid’s aunt. And right now, I need all the support I can get.
“Thanks for coming over, Zoe. You’re the most supportive person I know.”
“Are you trying to kick me out? No, I’m staying for dinner. And I’m going to make something delicious now that you’re missing half the ingredients in your pantry.”
I smile at Zoe’s enthusiasm. She is just the friend I need.