35. Ethan
35
ETHAN
I stand in my driveway for longer than I normally would in the cold. I can see Madison’s house from here. The bushes that normally provide a sort of privacy are bare in the winter cold, and I’ve been watching her front door for the last twenty minutes.
I’m trying to get up the courage to go over there.
I’m not normally a coward. But this is a different situation. I’ve been in a lot of situations, but nothing like this.
I shift the package to the other hand. It’s small and could be hidden in my coat pocket if I worked hard enough, but I’m holding onto it right now so I can remember why I’m doing this. I have the key to Madison’s dreams in my hand. But giving it to her isn’t all I want to do. I want to tell her what I’m really thinking.
I know that doing this is taking a risk. But I’m a doctor. I take lots of risks.
It’s already dark, and I know that if I wait any longer, she might be thinking about going to bed early…if her canine visitors let her.
I take a deep breath and slide my phone out of my pocket. There, after only a couple of taps, are the pictures of the space I secured for her surf school. It’s perfect. Or at least, I hope it will be for her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t want it or if she pushes me away again.
I’m not giving her this gift as an exchange. I’m giving it to her because I want her to be happy. But if she turns to me and says she has feelings for me too, real feelings, I’m certainly not going to miss my opportunity to be with her.
Finally, I force my feet to start moving. My skin is probably red from the cold, but I’m not thinking about something so trivial right now. I’m too focused on the door ahead of me and what I’m about to say. My pulse is racing, and my palms feel sweaty as I knock.
At the last second, I shove the package into my pocket, not ready to reveal it yet.
There’s a pause, and then the door creaks open. Madison stands there. I immediately notice a difference in her. It’s only been a week since I’ve seen her face-to-face. I’ve caught a few glimpses of her as I head to my shifts, but nothing up close.
Her eyes have dark circles under them like she hasn’t slept since things with us took a sour turn. She looks so exhausted and fragile. What’s been going on? Surely it isn’t because of what’s happened between us. Have the dogs been giving her a hard time?
“Ethan, you’re…here.”
“Hey, can I come in?” Surprisingly, I sound casual, like there isn’t much riding on this conversation at all.
She hesitates for a moment, then a dog scurries up and tries to slide out, forcing her to make a quick decision.
She picks the dog up and cradles it to her chest. “Come in before anyone escapes.”
I push my way inside and shut the door behind myself, surveying the dogs she’s currently taking care of. There’s one bigger one that looks like a pit/lab mix and the small one in her arms that definitely has some chihuahua in it.
It’s warm in her house, and the warmth makes my skin come alive again, burning as it slowly warms up.
Madison leads me to the couch, and she sits way in one corner of it, the smaller dog settled in her lap. Samson comes over and sniffs at the dog, then seems to lose interest and moves away.
I sit on the other side of the couch, trying to give Madison the space that it looks like she needs. I try to ignore the fact that it feels like forever since I’ve been here. Since we’ve been…together. The silence stretches out between us as Madison scratches the dog’s ears, and I know I can’t keep putting this off.
“Madison, I came over to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“I know things between us have been…complicated. And I know we agreed to end things because of Aurora, but I can’t accept that.”
She looks at me with her tired eyes, her eyebrows raised. “But I told you that we have to.” I hear something in her voice, though, something sad that gives me hope. It sounds like she’s doing what feels right, not what she wants to do. Maybe I can convince her that “rightness” doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make us happy.
“Here’s the truth, Madison. I care about you. I’m not here because I’m horny or… whatever. I mean, yeah, sex is great, but I actually…enjoy spending time with you.” My speech isn’t nearly as polished as I had planned.
Her face softens, and she finally meets my eyes. But I can tell that she’s still hiding something from me. I just have to keep digging until I figure out what it is .
“I’ve been thinking a lot, and I don’t want to just let you go. I want to be a part of your life. For real.”
I pause, watching her reaction, but she stays quiet. I reach into my jacket and pull out the envelope with the pictures.
“There’s something else, and I’m just giving this to you because…I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”
The dog hops off Madison’s lap, and she stares after it for a moment before turning her attention back to me.
I pull the package out and shove it in her direction, but she doesn’t take it right away. Instead, she stares at it for a few moments like she’s trying to figure out what it is just by the shoddy wrapping job. She finally takes the small package but still doesn’t open it.
“I know how much opening your surf school means to you, so I found a place. It’s yours if you want it.”
She blinks, clearly taken aback, and finally starts tearing into the package. She opens the box inside and stares at a key. It’s the key to the place, but I know she can’t get the full picture of the place without seeing what it looks like.
When she looks up, there are tears in her eyes.
“Here’s the actual space,” I explain, pulling my phone out.
She flips through the pictures silently for a moment. Then, she looks at the key and back at my phone. There are definitely tears running down her cheeks now. Big, silent tears.
“This is…for me?”
“For you. I want to help you make your dream come true. I believe in you, Madison.”
“Ethan…this is amazing. I can’t believe you did this. Is it… I mean… What’s the payment on it? I’ll… I can make a monthly payment. I just couldn’t even get the bank to give me a loan. It was?—”
“No monthly payment. I just bought it outright. It’s yours, and there’s no strings attached.”
“But why did you do this then?”
I smile, feeling the tension in my chest start to loosen. “I wanted to do something that would show you how serious I am. How much I care. And besides, you deserve to have your dreams come true.”
But then, out of nowhere, her smile falters, and the tears start to stream down her cheeks faster than before.
“Madison? What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head and bites her lip. It’s a moment before she’s able to find her voice. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—God, I don’t know why I’m crying.”
I’m frozen for a moment, completely thrown. I thought this would make her happy. Is she crying tears of joy? Why isn’t she smiling then?
I can’t keep sitting so far away from her while she’s crying though. It just feels wrong. I move a little closer and slip my arm around her shoulders. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”
But she pulls away, wiping at her eyes. “It’s just… it’s too much. I’ve been holding so much in, and this is… kind, but I don’t know why you did it.”
“I told you. I care about you. Relationship or not. We can at least… still spend time with each other occasionally. If you’re comfortable with that.”
I knew she was overwhelmed. I could see it on her face the second she opened the door. But I don’t know what she’s dealing with, other than any hell Aurora might be putting her through .
“I didn’t mean to push you or make things harder for you.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s not you. It’s everything. I’m just… I don’t know how to handle any of it.”
“What’s really going on? Is someone bothering you? Something I can help you with?”
She takes a shaky breath, staring down at the key in her lap, her hands trembling. For a moment, I think she’s going to tell me, but then she shakes her head again, letting out a long, slow breath.
“I just… I don’t know how to explain it all right now. But thank you. For the surf school. For believing in me. And I can pay you back once I get it running this summer. If…” Then, she trails off, and I don’t get to hear the rest of her thoughts.
“You don’t need to. It’s a gift. That’s it. No payment accepted.”
I reach out again, this time taking her hand gently in mine. “You don’t have to explain everything right now. But whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
She looks at me then, her eyes filled with emotion. “Thank you.”
I nod, giving her hand another squeeze before letting go. “You don’t have to thank me. I just want to see you happy.”
She smiles at that. It’s a small, tired smile, but it’s enough for now. It’s enough to give me hope that maybe, just maybe, we can figure this out.
“Do you want me to stay for a little while?” I ask after a moment, unsure if she needs space or comfort right now.
She hesitates. I can see the idea warring back and forth in her eyes. She finally nods.
I scoot a little closer and pull her into my chest where I can feel her shoulders heaving as she cries. I stroke her back softly and don’t feel the need to say anything for a long time.
Finally, she pulls back, but not very far. Her hand is pressing into my leg as she searches my eyes with her tear-filled ones. She’s only a few inches away from me, and I can think of another way I can comfort her.
If she rejects me, it will hurt, but I’ll accept it. I lean forward, my eyes closing, as I lean in to kiss her.