Chapter Seven
Ellie
If I could unhear the conversation Silas and his brother just had, that’d be great. I’m causing so many problems I didn’t mean to cause, though looking back, fantasizing about my boyfriend’s dad while I was with my boyfriend probably wasn’t the best thing to be doing.
I shouldn’t have been thinking about sneaking into Silas’ room while Adam and I were hanging out.
I shouldn’t have been picturing what kinds of things he could do to me with those big, strong, muscular arms. I also shouldn’t have been replaying the conversations we had in my head over and over, wishing we could have more of them.
Maybe if I hadn’t thought those things, I wouldn’t have dragged Silas over to the dark side. Maybe if I hadn’t stripped my clothes off last night, he wouldn’t have lost control.
He was trying very hard to be good before that.
Truth be told, I could go on about the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s forever, but nothing changes what’s happened. Nothing changes the reality of how deep Silas and I are in.
In my defense, Adam couldn’t have cared less about my dreams. When I told him about the flower farm, he laughed his ass off. When we were alone together, he’d rather play video games than talk. Not to mention that I frequently caught him looking at other women.
When I’m with his dad, I feel listened to, heard, cared for, seen, and even beautiful.
Yes, I know how all that sounds, which is why I need to take a step back and reassess my life choices, because clearly, I veered off the highway of good judgment and straight into the swamps of temptation and tragedy.
I mean, despite the messed-up relationship I had with Adam, I know better than to screw around with my ex’s dad.
Truth be told, every decision I’ve made comes with a big, waving, red flag, and yet, here I am, standing in the wreckage of my impulses. Impulses that still, despite my better judgment, I want to act on again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
None of that matters now that I heard Silas use the word ‘love.’ He said it, clear as day.
He loves me, I love him, but… it doesn’t matter because what we have is too forbidden. We can’t be together. Being together would wreck everything.
The way I’m spiraling, I half-expect woodland creatures to gather round and offer emotional support as I sing about my tragic life choices. I blame the dramatics on having just lost my virginity, though part of me knows I really just need to get a grip.
When I step into the kitchen, Silas is leaning over the solid oak table, his head in his hands as though he’s negotiating with the universe. The coffee pot gurgles its last drip, and a plate of bacon from earlier sits abandoned on the counter.
“You okay?” I step forward, my hand resting on his strong back in comfort. I shouldn’t touch him. I need to keep my distance. I need to give him space enough that he can get his head on straight. Space so that he can come to terms with what we need to do.
“Yeah.” He tugs me onto his lap and cradles me in his big, inked arms. “I’m better now.”
My chest squeezes as I try to balance reality with the fantasy I’ve been living.
I want to stay here, steep myself in this magical, fantasy world until we’re both so delusional neither of us can find our way out, but I fear that’s a selfish move.
I need to tear off the Band-Aid, break the dam, and have the conversation we need to have so we can both move on.
“I heard the conversation between you and Cash. I didn’t mean to, but you guys were talking so loud I couldn’t help it.”
Silas brushes his big hand down the side of my head and tucks me in against his chest. “We knew Adam would be upset. I can handle it.”
“If he broke into the bakery, he’s more than upset. He’s lost his mind, Silas. I can’t let you ruin your relationship with him. You’re all he has for family.”
The giant holding me drags in a heavy breath and lets it out slowly, as though he’s trying to reconcile his own thoughts. “We don’t even know if that’s why he broke into the bakery.”
I narrow my gaze and sit up straighter. “I didn’t think much about it at the time, but looking back there were plenty of times Adam showed me how jealous he was of whatever little conversations you and I were having.”
“Like what?”
“Like… after you and I talked about the flowers, I was happy. He picked up on that and asked me why I was never that excited after he and I talked.” I tilt my head to the side as embarrassment heats my face.
“Then another night, he drilled me with weird questions about what you and I talked about. He wanted to know every detail of the conversation, right down to your inflection when you said it.” I shrug.
“I feel stupid for not putting two and two together, but at the time, I was oblivious. Oh,” I straighten, “and one night he got really weird about the way I was looking at you.”
“Looking at me?”
I nod and glance toward Silas. “He said I couldn’t stop staring at you while you were making dinner.” I shrug. “He was wrong about that one. I was actually trying really hard not to look at you.” Saying it out loud, it doesn’t sound any better. “Anyway, it’s my fault this is happening.”
Silas brushes his thumb against my cheek, rough and comforting.
“Angel, if this is anyone’s fault, it’s mine.
You’re young, sweet, and innocent. I should know better.
Even now, I know that giving you up is the right thing to do.
I know it’ll make things right with Adam, it’ll keep him from starting more shit, and it’ll mean me keeping my word to your parents, but I can’t do it.
You’re mine, and that’s all there is to it.
” He leans into my lips and kisses me hard and fast, his hand in my hair, his body pressed up against me.
I don’t pull away. I lean into it, wrapping my arms around him tightly as I breathe him in.
I know this is wrong. I know we should stop.
I was full on lecturing myself about it ten minutes ago, but I can’t stop myself from feeling what I feel for Silas because it’s the most genuine thing I’ve ever felt.
It’s like the universe has opinions on where I belong, drawing me toward him, holding me there in the familiar warmth of his touch.
It’s reckless. It’s complicated. It’s a choice future-me will absolutely be lecturing present-me about, but there’s no pulling away.
I can’t. I won’t.
Kissing my forehead, he leans back, staring at me as though we’ve got everything figured out. “You’re a good girl, angel. Everything will work out because we’ll make it.”
In the warm light of the morning sun, I believe every word he says. I believe it, I accept it, and I never want to move. That said, I just caught sight of the time and I’m about to be late for my first day of work after my ex vandalized the place.
“I better move,” I groan, sitting up from his lap. “It’s already seven-thirty. By the time we get down the mountain, it’ll be nearly eight, and I feel bad enough given Josie’s situation.”
He nods once and stands from the chair, kissing my forehead again and again. “I’ll stop in and talk to her this afternoon, set up a time to help put the shop together. Give me five minutes to change. I’ve got the strawberry festival today and I need to look like a respectable whiskey seller.”
I smile and huff out a quiet laugh because when people look at Cash, I think his outfit is the last thing they notice.
I grab an apple from the counter and bite into it, juices dripping off my chin as I watch him shrug into his shirt, tattoos disappearing beneath cotton, but the shape of his body remains.
Solid, dependable, the kind of man who looks strong even when he’s tired.
When he’s finished dressing, he glances over his shoulder at me, something warm flickering in his eyes.
It settles low in my stomach, dangerous yet steady.
That… that’s what people notice.
*****
The emergency phone Silas gave me before he dropped me off is already pressed to my ear as I pace back and forth in front of the bakery. I have five minutes until the start of my shift, and I really need my sister to make sense of everything that’s transpired.
Of course, she’s not picking up. It could be that I’m on a burner phone like I’m a drug dealer, or Mom has her reorganizing her spice racks again. She’s been trying to earn her keep since she lost her job last month and moved back home.
I pace harder, the phone still ringing in my ear as I watch a blue bird clean herself in a puddle near a man dressed like a strawberry.
Maybe there were drugs on this phone.
Finally, my sister answers. “Hello?”
“Adam totally ruined the bakery.”
Violet gasps. “Why are you calling me on this weird number?”
“Really? That’s what you ask me? I just told you Adam ruined the bakery.”
“What do you mean he ruined it?” The faint clatter of glass jars echoes over the line. Mom totally has her reorganizing the spices again. I make a mental note to start an intervention later.
Right now, my eyes are locked in on the mess in front of me. Black spray paint streaks across the front window, flour coating everything in uneven patches, and the bakery’s signature blue door is slashed with a thick swipe of red paint. The place is a disaster.
“It’s my fault.” I open my mouth to speak, then close it again, unsure of how to tell her what’s going on without telling her what’s going on.
“What? How is this your fault? I mean,” she laughs, “unless you’re fucking his dad or something.”
I stay silent. So silent that my sister catches on right away.
“Oh no!” she says playfully as the sound of glass dropping echoes. “You’re not!”
“I love him, girl. I’ve loved him for a while, and I think Adam knows.”
“Oh my God!” she squeals. “Ellie! This is so wild, and so unlike you! Mom and Dad are going to lose it!”
“No, you can’t tell anyone.”