3. Izzy #2
And as I lay there, thinking through everything Myel and I had been through, I realized exactly what kept me from giving myself to him.
Myel worshiped me, and that was nice and all, but it wasn’t what I wanted in a partner.
I wanted… a partner, someone who was my equal, who challenged me as much as I challenged them.
I’d seen a lot of lopsided relationships in my time in foster care, and they never worked out.
But could Myel ever see me as an equal? He’d said it himself, I was an elf, a royal, and he was practically the lowest of the low in this world. I wanted him to step up, when this entire world had been keeping him down his entire life, and I honestly didn’t know if he could do that.
I sighed.
He was doing his best, and perhaps now that I’d defeated Saldrea, he’d start to see things could change and he’d change with them.
Or so I hoped.
Okay, one complicated relationship down, who was next?
Rook.
Sigh.
Never had I known a man who could make me want him so damned much while also infuriating me to no end!
He’d said he loved me in the heat of the moment during my fight with Saldrea.
But… what did that mean? Is that what he wanted to talk to me about?
Did he want to apologize and make up? Or had that been an “I love you, but I can never be with you,” and the talk was to break it off for good… because he loved me?
I’d never quite understood that, when I’d seen it in books and movies.
And the real question was: did I want him to love me?
I had no clue.
The last time we’d talked — in person, not in my head — he’d said he was afraid of me because I was an elf. Had that changed? Had that been another lie in a long series of lies he’d told me?
Thinking about Rook gave me a headache.
So, perhaps it required a different perspective.
Did I want him in my life?
As a fuckbuddy he was… sinfully good. Just thinking about our times together made my stomach bottom out, my toes curl, and heat bloom in my core.
He consistently delivered top-tier orgasms and as a woman who had sexual needs, I did not want to give that up.
Sure… I got stunningly great orgasms from Myel and Vyns, but Rook’s were…
indescribable. It must be a sex-demon thing.
As a friend, he’d been there for me when no one else was. He’d been kind and giving and a soft place to land… but then he’d gone cold for no reason, and I couldn’t handle that drama.
He wasn’t long-term relationship material. Friends with benefits, maybe, if he got his act together, but anything more?
Hell, it was men like him who’d put me off long-term relationships to begin with. I didn’t get involved because the sex might be great, but then the guys turned… weird: clingy or distant or something.
So…
Maybe…
If he got his act together…
And stopped all the drama…
And was as consistent with his friendship as he was with his orgasms…
Then maybe, I could let him back in.
But then… what if he wanted to talk to tell me he was all in, that he’d meant it when he said he loved me?
Fuck.
It was too much of a change too quickly. I had no clue what to do with that. Maybe if we went back to fuckbuddies for a while he could worm his way into my heart? A few of his incredible orgasms and I might reconsider everything.
Let’s hope that’s what he wanted.
Then… there was Vyns…
He was the easy one, sort of. He’d started out all unsure and clingy, but all that had changed of late. He’d been a rock when I’d been imprisoned and I honestly didn’t know if I’d have made it through that rough time without his support.
He gave me everything I wanted and everything I needed. Hell, he’d literally given me everything he had to help me win the fight with Saldrea. The man was a literal angel, why wouldn’t I want him in my life?
And yet… could I give him what he needed?
He seemed to think so. But since the “L” word wasn’t in my vocabulary, could I love him the way he deserved, with the same intensity he loved me?
I wasn’t sure.
I appreciated the hell out of him and I couldn’t imagine a life without him… but was that love?
Curiously… I wasn’t really worried about things with Vyns. He had never put me off, never questioned our relationship. He’d always been a gentleman and a giving lover. I didn’t feel any pressure from him. And I very much appreciated that.
I could let things with Vyns play out, and we’d be fine.
So… that seemed settled.
Right?
Right.
Which brought me back to Koar.
Actually no… before I had my conversation with the dragon… I needed to figure out what I really wanted, not in relation to the guys individually, but in general.
Did I want this strange conglomeration of men? All of them… together…?
It seemed a bit much. Greedy. Selfish.
And yet, it also felt really damned good.
I liked being… part of a group. No, not just a group…
a family. That’s what this felt like. Sure, we were messed up, but most families were messed up, weren’t they?
I’d never had anything I could call a permanent family growing up.
And it didn’t matter that we weren’t blood, this was a found family, we wanted to be close, which felt even more significant.
Though, it also felt weird to call them family. Thinking of them like brothers was kind of gross, even if I wanted that easy familiarity with them. With a brother, you could be close, but without any expectations. Was that asking too much?
Because… I wasn’t sure I wanted four husbands?
The dreaded “H” word.
Could I even do that? Was polyandry a thing in this world? I’d have to ask someone, maybe Zora, or Lhorine, or… no, not my grandmother.
And if it was a thing, would the guys be okay with that? They… probably would be.
Okay… wow… what a thought: four sexy, giving husbands passing me around or… sharing me… at the same time…
I was suddenly way too hot under these blankets. Though I was cooled somewhat by the fact that several of my potential hubbies needed to figure their shit out before anything happened.
But still, a part of me wanted a close-knit little tribe so badly it hurt. I hadn’t considered any of my foster homes “a family” because I’d known nothing was permanent. People got taken away, they left me or I left them. Nothing lasted.
And as much as I wanted these guys to be my family, I was terrified they’d get taken away from me.
If I let them in, they’d become a weak spot, something for others to target if they wanted to hurt me.
It had already happened with Myel. With all the guys, I’d just be making myself even more vulnerable, wouldn’t I?
Because, if there was one lesson I’d learned on earth — that had been reinforced here in Seial — it was that nothing good ever stuck around for long.