4. Izzy
IZZY
Okay, now I really needed someone to talk to.
I rolled back over.
Koar stood beside the bed, attentive, and looked down at me as I shifted.
“Can’t sleep?”
I nodded.
“Can we… talk?”
He raised a brow as a secret little smile creased his hard features.
“Always.”
I shimmied till I was sitting up in bed again, and he sat on the edge of the mattress, one leg hitched up to turn toward me.
“What’s up?” he asked.
I blew out a long breath. Then I looked over at Myel’s sleeping form and out at Rook dozing in the sitting area.
I reached out to both of them. The bond with Myel was still, calm.
That was… unusual. I’d have thought after everything we’d been through it would be desperate for us to be together.
Not only had we been away from each other for a couple days now, but we’d both been through hell and back.
My best guess as to why it wasn’t acting up was that Myel was out cold and thus sex wasn’t an option.
If so, when he woke, we’d probably need to fuck like bunnies.
Still, my connection to him was strong and I could tell he’d be resting for a while.
I had time to talk… and he’d not hear it.
Then I reached out to Rook. I didn’t really know how our mental connection worked, but I tried to think really hard at him, nothing specific, just wanting to connect with his thoughts.
I didn’t even know if it would be possible to sense his thoughts, or if all we could do was communicate.
But I did catch a glimpse of something… a flash of an image: a small cozy cottage with a fire going in the hearth and a woman humming as she worked preparing a meal. That was it.
Huh…
I had no clue what I’d seen, but I hoped it meant Rook was in the middle of a pleasant dream and wouldn’t wake any time soon.
Good.
I turned back to Koar.
“I need a sounding board. I need to figure myself out, but I’m also hoping to figure out… you… and all the guys.”
He nodded, listening.
“And I was hoping we could talk, honestly, about… how we feel.” I gave a little chuckle. “Not something I usually like to do, but I’m willing to be brave if you are.”
The big man nodded.
“Go straight for the deep, intimate stuff?” He raised his brows and blew out a breath. “Sure, I can do that. Do you want to go first, or shall I?”
Wow… just like that? A man who was willing to talk feelings without balking. Koar always surprised me. I’d thought him a big lug of a man, until he’d been insightful and intelligent. Now he was all in about feelings after only just figuring out he wanted to be with me? What a guy.
I really wanted to hear what he had to say, but I had stuff to get off my chest first.
“I’ll go,” I whispered, then… didn’t say anything for a while, searching for words. Koar waited patiently, not trying to prompt me or do anything other than sit there with a calm, supportive look on his rugged face.
I sighed. Okay, here goes.
“I like this little… family I’ve got going here,” I whispered. “You, me, Vyns and Myel, maybe even Rook if he can get his head out of his ass long enough to tell me why he had his head up his ass.”
Koar chuckled at that.
“But… I’ve never been one for deep relationships, and I feel like that’s the way we’re heading. I like you all, as friends and I find you all very sexy, in your own different ways.”
“Good to hear,” Koar muttered with a grin.
“But, if we were a family then… would you all be, like… my husbands? I don’t know if I…
love—” why was that word so hard to say, “—you all like that.” Then, to distance myself from having said the “L” word, I quickly added, “And also, if I care for you all that much, then I feel like you’d all become weak points for me, people others could target to hurt me.
It felt horrible when Saldrea did that with Myel and, with all of you…
” I trailed off having rant-rambled through that last bit, not knowing where to go next.
Koar shifted a bit closer to lay a hand on my leg, which was still beneath the covers, his touch warm even through the many layers of cloth between us.
“That’s… a lot,” he said slowly. “Let me see if I have this straight. You like us all and find us sexy, but you aren’t sure you love us like husbands, and if you did, you feel like we’d be a vulnerable spot for you?”
“Yup, that’s pretty much it.”
His brow furrowed as he looked away, seemingly contemplating this. “Well…” He drew out the word, as if speaking to break the silence, not quite ready to commit to a sentence yet.
He blew out a breath.
“I’m certainly no relationship expert,” he began, gaze meeting mine again. “But from what I’ve seen over my long life, and all the relationships that worked or didn’t work, it’s not about loving someone like a husband.”
I raised a brow, curious and surprised.
“The couples I’ve seen, who’ve worked, they were more like…
best friends who also happened to find each other attractive and wanted a physical relationship.
If I ever had to define love, that would be it.
Wanting what’s best for someone, giving to them in equal measure as they give to you, which may or may not include a healthy sex-life. ”
That was simple… but perhaps also profound? I didn’t know yet. As I pondered, he continued.
“And as for being a weakness, sure, when you care for someone, others can hurt them to get to you, but I don’t think that’s a reason to avoid it. Your partner can also be a source of strength and resilience, helping you through tough times. So, they’re a weakness and a strength.”
Huh…
I shouldn’t be so surprised that a centuries-old dragon was so wise.
Friends with benefits… could be love? Weaknesses could be strengths? It was a lot to take in, even if the big man hadn’t said that much. I mulled it over.
And after I had, I realized… he was right, and it was rather profound, at least for me.
“I’d… never thought of it that way, thank you.” I shook my head. “I’m so used to talking to people and not getting anything useful out of the conversation, but you’ve hit the nail right on the head… twice.”
His hard features softened a little when that secret smile returned.
And yet something didn’t sit quite right with me, and I decided to talk it through. “But… Rook and I, we were friends with benefits for a while, but that didn’t feel like love. Not that I really know what love feels like, but it didn’t feel like we were… close… if that makes sense.”
Koar shrugged.
“There’s a difference between friends who are close… and best friends who are close. The first is… probably more like affection. The second is love.”
Yup, that hit the nail on the head once again.
I nodded.
“Yeah, you’re right. We were close, but not that close.
” And also… “I’m not that close with any of you yet.
I’ve only known you all for a few days. I’ve been forced to be close to Myel, but it’s not the same.
At least not for me.” And that’s when it hit me, Myel had gotten to love a lot quicker than I had, perhaps because he hadn’t had any close friends and I’d instantly become his best friend, while I’d been keeping a bit more distance, not knowing where things were going.
He hadn’t had anyone and I’d been a light in the dark, something to hold onto for dear life.
I hadn’t had anyone, but I’d liked the darkness.
I was still getting used to this new light.
This really was a revelation.
And since I needed time to assimilate this and figure out what it meant for me, I turned things back on Koar.
“And how do you feel? Where do you stand?”
That little smile grew, and it was such an out of place thing on his usually stoic face, he looked like a different person. Still big and hulking and handsome, but less hard and more ruggedly easy-going.
“I know we’re not best friends yet, that’ll take time.” But his golden-eyed gaze intensified, making me feel quite warm in a delicious — if self-conscious— sort of way. “But I do find you very sexy.”
Yup, okay, very warm now, edging toward hot. Lady bits swelling in all the right ways.
“I’m attracted, not just to your body, but to…
everything that you are: kind, intelligent, and caring, soft at times but fierce at others.
You have wit and grace and a blazingly determined spirit…
but you’re not hard, like everyone else in this world.
You see things differently and want to help people, want to change, and that’s sexy as hell to me. ”
If he kept going like this, we’d soon be pressing sexy bits together, conversation over.
But then he drew in a long breath, letting it out slowly and some of the heat faded from his gaze. I did the same, to temper my mounting lust.
“And… I should have told you that a long time ago, but I was afraid. Like you, I was afraid that getting too close would be a liability, that you’d distract me from my duty to protect you.
Honestly, I still struggle with that, but when I thought you…
might…” He clenched his jaw shut and blinked a few times.
Was there anything sexier than a big brute of a man on the verge of tears when talking about how much he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you?
I didn’t think so.
And the heat was back.
Keep going like this, big guy, and you’ll be getting your dick wet real damned soon.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you and never having been with you or at least telling you how amazing you are.”
“I’m really liking this big, strong, and vulnerable vibe you’ve got going,” I warned him, my voice husky.
And in case he didn’t quite get my meaning I undid a button on my silk pajamas.
Then another one. Then another. Someone had really buttoned me up tight and it took three before I was giving Koar a rather splendid view of my cleavage.
His eyes went wide, dilating, a low rumble radiating out of him.
But then… he seemed to clamp down on his arousal. He looked away, taking deep breaths through his mouth.
Huh… resisting me? Playing hard to get?
Damn, I really needed this man inside me now.
“I… would very much like to… tear you out of that silk,” he mumbled.
And I very much wanted him to.
“But there was one more thing I wanted to say. Something I’ve never spoken aloud. The reason I’ve kept my distance.” He dared to look back at me, his eyes instantly dilating again. “Before we move on to more pleasurable pursuits.”
“Say it quickly,” I said, undoing another button.
“Fuck,” he growled, then looked away and quickly went on.
“There was another woman once, one whom I should have protected and to whom I was attracted. She was a distraction too. I kept myself from her… until I didn’t.
But our one time together was the same night assassins attacked the palace.
She died, as did all the royals. I couldn’t save them. That still… tears at me.”
Oh.
Given that, of course he’d have issues being attracted to the woman he was guarding!
“Okay…” I said, voice choked with a heady dose of lust for this hulking man with the heart of gold. “Hear me out.”
He looked at me again, in time for me to finish unbuttoning my blouse. A pained grunt escaped him as the silk fell open, a delicious bulge growing in his pants.
“Why don’t you take me to another room, so we don’t disturb anyone here when you fuck my brains out…
then we’ll see if horrible things happen?
If they do, it’s a sign. If they don’t, I guess that’s a different sign.
Either way, you’re going to fulfill all my womanly desires right now, because we both really need it. ”
I threw the covers off.
An instant later, I was swept into Koar’s massive arms and our lips met in a hard, needful kiss as he carried me toward a door at the side of the room.
Time to tempt fate.