Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Grace
Taz was heading out on the road with Mav tomorrow, so I’d suggested a nice dinner before he left. Unfortunately, he’d been cold and distant for days now.
We were working on our entrees at one of the best steakhouses in the city, and I couldn’t stand the sight of him pushing his mashed potatoes around on his plate for another second, so I said the one thing I was sure would snap him out of his stupor.
“Taz, if this isn’t working for you, just tell me.”
He scowled at me, dropping his fork with a clatter against his plate. “What the hell are you talking about?”
I gestured from myself to him. “You and me. If this isn’t working for you, just say the word, and I’ll get out of your life.
” Not that it would be that easy for me.
I’d already fallen for the man, and letting him go just might be the hardest thing I’d ever done.
But I couldn’t be with someone who refused to let me in when something was troubling him either.
“Are you serious?”
My stomach was already quivering with fear and regret, but I forced myself to be brave. “Yes.”
“Why would you say that? Are you not… happy with me?”
I hated that he always assumed he was the problem. But I knew that was one of the many issues he still had to work through.
“I didn’t say that.” I reached for my glass of chardonnay. “But communication is the foundation of a good relationship, and if we can’t talk about the things that are bothering us, I don’t know how to make this work.”
He sank back in his chair, hanging his head. “Fine, you really want to know? My sister said something the other night that I haven’t been able to get off my mind.”
“I figured as much. You’ve been off ever since you went over to her place for pizza.” I took a sip of my wine. “If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. But—”
“I’m not sure I want to have any more kids,” he blurted. “And she thought that might he a deal breaker for you.”
“Oh.” I didn’t even know how to respond to that. I was stunned. “Um, okay.”
He reached across the table, covering my hand with his. “Grace, say something. Please.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I withdrew my hand and took a fortifying sip of wine. “So, you don’t want to have kids?” I did want to get married and have kids someday, and couldn’t see myself falling in love with a man who didn’t see those things in his future.
He closed his eyes. “I don’t think so. I mean, I’ve never even considered it, really. I was so focused on trying to have a relationship with the kid I’ve already got.”
“Of course, that makes sense.” I set my near-empty glass down and watched as he re-filled it. “Thanks.”
“I don’t want this to be a deal breaker for us,” he said, lowering his voice as he leaned in. “Tell me it’s not.”
“I don’t even know what to say right now, to be honest. I just need time to process.” And maybe talk to my best friend and sister about it. I knew Taz and I were years away from marriage and babies, but if we could never get there, was I just wasting my time with him?
He shook his head, looking disgusted. “This is why I didn’t want to bring this up. I knew you would react this way.”
I thought I was being perfectly calm and rational. I’d just asked him for a little time to think. “What way?”
“You’re shutting down on me.” He gestured to me with his hand. “Freezing me out. It’s written all over your face. I can’t be what you need me to be so—”
“Taz,” I said, lowering my voice as I leaned in. “This really isn’t the time or place for this talk.” A few people had already stopped him to ask for autographs and selfies and I didn’t want someone to take a video and post our very personal discussion online.
He curled his hand into a fist on the table before reaching for his wine with the other hand and draining the glass. “Fine, you want to wait until we’re alone so you can dump me? You don’t like ugly scenes, is that it?”
I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear, at my own expense. I really did need time to think this through. “Can we please just finish eating and talk about this later?”
“I lost my appetite.” He gestured to my half-empty plate. “But by all means, you finish.”
My stomach was tied up in knots too. “That’s okay. I’m not hungry any more either.”
He gestured to the waiter, who rushed over.
“Is there a problem, sir?”
“No problem,” Taz said. “Just the check, please.”
He frowned, looking at our half-eaten entrees. “If there’s something wrong with the food—”
“There’s nothing wrong with the food,” Taz said, between clenched teeth. “Could we just get the check, please?”
“Of course, sir. I’ll be right back.”
We stared at each other for a minute as my heart broke for him.
I could feel his inner turmoil, and knowing I couldn’t help him was killing me.
But I’d learned a long time ago, you couldn’t help someone who didn’t want your help.
And it would take a lot more than a pep talk from me to convince this gorgeous, complicated, broken man that he could be an amazing husband and father…
if only he was willing to forgive himself.
We hadn’t said a word all the way to my apartment, and I knew by the time we’d reached my parking lot, it might be too late. Taz had already steeled himself for the worst possible outcome and apparently wasn’t willing to fight.
“I guess I’ll go,” I said, reaching for the door handle. “Good luck out on the road. I know you’ll—”
“Don’t go.” His voice was raspy as he curled his hand around my wrist. “Or at least let me come up. I want to talk about this. Please.”
“Okay.” I was grateful that he was at least willing to talk. I’d had some time to think on the twenty-minute drive back to my apartment, and while I didn’t have all the answers, I wasn’t ready for us to be over.
The walk to my apartment was silent, with his hand on my back, and my body tense with dread.
Once we were behind the closed door, I asked, “Can I get you anything—”
“You can tell me you still want me.” He reached for me, hauling me against his chest. “That’s all I need to hear right now.”
“I’ll always want you, Taz.” I had a feeling even if we ended things, a part of me would always belong to him. “That’s not what this is about.”
He seized my head in his large hand before curling his arms around me, as he whispered in my ear, “Here’s the thing. I need you. And I’ve never needed anyone before.”
My heart swelled, knowing how hard it was for him to admit he needed me.
“And on the drive back here, knowing you might be ready to cut me lose, I realized…” His fist was tight in my hair and I could feel his desperation when he whispered, “I think I’m falling in love with you, Grace.”
I closed my eyes, letting his words wash over me. Acknowledging the truth of his words… I could feel them, while opening the gap to allow my own truth to flow in. I was falling in love with him too.
“Say something.”
I tipped my head back to look at him. “I’m falling in love with you too.”
He released a breath before resting his forehead against mine. “Thank God, so we’ll figure this out. Together.”
“Taz…” I knew better than to make compromises I couldn’t live with, even for someone I cared about. “I don’t know where we go from here. We still need time to think about that, and work through it.”
He kissed me, pressing my body into his erection. We couldn’t solve this problem by falling into bed, but he was leaving tomorrow and I wanted him tonight.
“I need to feel you,” he whispered, drawing his lips across my jaw. He was squeezing my ass, holding me hard against him. “I need to be inside you.”
“I want that too, but—”
“No more talk, baby. Please.” He was undoing the tie to my black wrap dress, sucking in a breath when he saw my black lace thong and matching demi bra. “I just need to feel right now. To get lost in you, and block everything else out.”
I needed that too. It had already been an emotionally charged night, and a stressful few days, wondering what the hell was up with him.
“Yes,” I whispered, reaching for the buttons lining his tight gray shirt. My fingers worked quickly, suddenly desperate to get him naked, to feel that connection that made me believe we could overcome anything.
We couldn’t strip each other fast enough as he finally tore my panties off with a grunt before pinning me against the door and driving into me with no preamble.
But I was more than ready to take him. To remind myself that he was mine.
Soon there’d be screaming women calling his name in packed stadiums, but tonight I wanted to be the only one screaming his name.
I wanted to be the only voice he heard ringing in his ears when he went to bed alone every night, on the road.
He was rough, erupting with impatience, as he held me prisoner with his body… and eyes. “Mine,” he whispered, echoing my thoughts. “Just remember that. You’re mine.”
I nodded, my mouth hanging open with the intensity of the orgasm building. I could feel it all the way from the tips of my toes. The buzz was absorbing me, making it impossible to speak.
“Say it,” he demanded. “I need to hear it!”
“Yours,” I said, forcing the word past my lips as he picked up the pace, demanding my body keep up. “I can’t stop it.” It was more than a bodily surge. My heart was bursting too, with love for this incredibly complicated man who’d broken down walls I didn’t even know I had.
“Don’t even try, baby.”
I let myself go, trusting him to hold me, to support me, to love me.
I felt the rush of his release flood me, rendering me speechless.
I didn’t know if it was the intensity of the moment, the fact we’d admitted our feelings for each other, or the fear of the obstacles we’d have to break down to be together, but something shifted when our eyes locked, like we both understood this was a turning point.
He let me down slowly, making sure I was steady before he kissed me. “You don’t know how much I needed this tonight. I’ve been making myself crazy the past few days, wondering if I was going to lose you when I told you…”
“That you don’t want kids.” I sighed, wishing we didn’t have to talk or think about it anymore tonight, but knowing it wouldn’t go away just because we chose to avoid it.
“I don’t know what the hell I want.” He stepped back, running a hand over his head before bending to pick up my clothes, then his. “I feel like I don’t even deserve a second chance at being a dad, if you want to know the truth.”
Now we were getting somewhere. I could work with fear and help him through it, if he wanted to be a parent. But I wouldn’t try to change his mind if it was something he was sure he didn’t want.
“Let me ask you a really scary question,” I said, getting dressed slowly as I watched him do the same. “Sometimes that helps people get to the crux of how they really feel about something, when they’re confused.”
He looked hesitant, but said, “Okay.”
“How would you react right now, in this moment, if I said, ‘Taz, I’m pregnant’?”
His gaze dropped to my stomach before he released a shaky breath. “My first thought? Fear. Second thought? I’d lay down my life to protect you and that baby.”
Wow. This man, with his fierce but simple words, got me every time.
I nodded. “That’s what I thought.”
“It’s different, I guess,” he whispered. “Thinking about the woman I love being pregnant with my baby. I wasn’t in love with Quinn’s mama. I was just a kid, incarcerated—”
“But you’re different now.” I needed him to really hear that and believe that. “You’re a grown man, with an incredible career, a home of your own, and you’ve paid your debts, Taz. You’re free now. Free to be whoever you want to be and have whatever kind of life you want for yourself.”
He reached for my hand, pulling me close. “But having a wife like you. Jesus, that seems like… too much, for a guy like me.”
“That’s because you’re looking in the mirror and still seeing that ex-con,” I said, tapping his temple.
“That’s your mind playing tricks on you.
” I knew I had to tread lightly. I was in therapist mode right now, trying like hell not to be.
“But you need to start seeing yourself as you are. Not as you were.”
“How do I do that?” he asked, frowning.
“Watch the videos.” I knew how powerful it could be for people to literally see themselves in a new light, because humans were visual, and saw the world in images. “The ones of yourself that went viral, the one I shot at Jimmy’s, and the ones that will be posted of your concerts with Mav.”
He groaned, shaking his head. “I hate looking at pictures of myself. Now you want me to watch videos?”
“Is it because you look at pictures of yourself and still see your mugshot?”
The fact that he paled, told me I’d nailed it. “You need to erase that image. Replace it with new ones. Images of the man you are today, not the kid you were then.”
“Girl, you blow my mind.”
I smiled, touching his cheek. “That’s kind of my job.”
“I’m glad I fell in love with a therapist. No way could any other woman have handled my crazy.”
I laughed as I wrapped my arms around him. “You’re not crazy, my love. You’re just imperfect, like we all are.”