Chapter 16 #2
“Are you out of your mind? I was never in love with him! We talked about marriage in general terms, and I broke up with him because I knew I didn’t want to marry him!
” She drew a deep breath, her voice softening, when she said, “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on with you? Why are you so upset about this?”
I’d been asking myself that same question for the past two hours. “I’m jealous. And scared.”
She sighed. “It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? Talk to me, Taz.”
Damn it, I didn’t want her to feel like my therapist. Someone who always had to talk me off the ledge, but if I couldn’t work through some of this shit on my own, she would feel that way. And inevitably get tired of trying to fix me.
“Forget it, it doesn’t matter. I’m being stupid.”
“Don’t do that,” she said, softly. “Don’t shut down on me. I love you. If you’re upset about something, I want to hear about it. Just like I hope you’ll be willing to listen when I’m upset. That’s what couples do, right? Support each other?”
She had me there. And I did want to be her rock, so I had to let her be mine.
“Fine.” I bit my lip, trying to choose my words carefully. “I’m jealous because two other guys have loved you enough to want to marry you, which means they saw in you all the same amazing qualities that I do.”
“Okay, so…?”
“So, what if I can’t get there fast enough? And you get tired of waiting, and you find another guy who can give you everything I can’t?”
“Taz, relax. I’m still young, and I have a lot of living left to do. I’m in no hurry to get married and have your babies.”
Why the hell did that feel like a gut punch that knocked the wind out of me? I’d been the one telling her I didn’t know when or if I’d ever be ready for that next step, but hearing her admit she wasn’t ready, knocked me on my ass.
“When you say you have a lot of living left to do… does that mean you have a lot of guys to date before you’ll be ready to settle down with just one for the rest of your life?” I wasn’t being an asshole, I really needed to know if she could even see me being her forever.
“Oh my God, I don’t know. I feel like we went from zero to a hundred in ten seconds with this relationship. My head is spinning already. And now you’re throwing more at me. I can’t take it, okay? It’s enough already.”
“Sorry, I’m just…” So in love with you. And don’t know how to handle it.
“Don’t be sorry. Can we just not analyze this thing to death, please? We can’t let our pasts define us. We have to take the lessons we can from them and move on, so we can become better versions of ourselves.”
This girl was way too smart and sensible for me. Yet I had no intention of letting her go.
“Fine, I’m sorry. Can we just start this conversation over? I promise I won’t act like a maniac anymore… tonight.”
She laughed. “Good to know. How was the show?”
“Great. Mav thought so too. We went out to grab a bite, just got back to the hotel.”
“Is that how you found out Brandon was going to propose to me? My big-mouth brother-in-law told you?”
“I thought we weren’t going to talk about that anymore.”
“You’re right. I was just curious.”
“Yeah, but don’t be pissed. He wasn’t trying to stir things up. He was just trying to tell me he thought we were good for each other.”
“Hmm, I guess I can forgive him then. Because I happen to agree.”
“How was the birthday party?”
“Great! I got to see so many friends I haven’t seen in years. Since our undergraduate days.”
“Nice.” I wanted to ask her if any of her guy friends were there, but even I wasn’t stupid enough to go there after promising to keep my crazy on lockdown for the rest of the night. “I’m glad you had fun. Busy day tomorrow?”
“Always. Not that I’m complaining. It takes a lot of therapists a few years to build a full-time practice.
But I got lucky getting into the medical building I’m in.
I get a lot of referrals from the doctors and other practitioners, which will help me pay off my student loans faster, so I can save up and get out of this shoebox apartment. ”
She was planning her future. Alone. I wondered if she’d consider help from me? Not likely, since I was sure her sister and Mav had already offered and she’d probably turned them down.
“Taz? You still there?”
“Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.”
“About?”
“You could move in with me.” I wasn’t known for being impulsive, but this felt right. “I mean, I’m going to be travelling a lot, and I want us to spend as much time together as we can, when I’m home.”
She laughed. “Babe, I love you. But didn’t I just say we’d gone from zero to a hundred in ten seconds, with this relationship? We need to slow down. Chill. Give ourselves a chance to get used to being a couple.”
“So, you don’t want to move in with me?” There was a slight edge to my voice, which I hated. She was being totally reasonable. Logically, I knew that. But I wanted her in my bed every night, and that had nothing to do with logic.
“Maybe, eventually. We’ll see.”
That was the most non-committal response I’d ever heard. And I hated it. “Yeah, sure.”
“Please don’t be offended. I’m just—”
“It’s fine. I get it.”
“Tomorrow’s a travel day for you, right? No show?”
“Right. We’ll be heading out in the morning. Should be in Pittsburgh by mid-day.”
“I’ve seen the videos of your last two shows. You were amazing.”
“Thanks.” I’d gotten calls from my folks, my sister and my nephews singing my praises too. As well as the team at Spencer. And my buddies had called to bust my chops. But I hadn’t heard a word from Quinn. Not that I was holding my breath.
“Seems you’re developing quite the fan following online.”
“That’s good.” If I wanted to pursue this music thing full-time, I knew I should care about shit like this, but I’d never been a fame chaser. I just wanted to write music people could relate to, and sing it for them.
“Hmm, and women love you. Just like I knew they would.”
“You think I care if a bunch of strangers claim to love me, Grace? They don’t even know me.”
“Have you been doing any interviews?”
“Some.”
“Anyone asked about your relationship status?”
I smirked, grateful the tables were turning and she was getting a taste of the green-eyed monster, for a change. “Yeah, some.”
“Damn, I have a call on the other line I have to take, Taz. Can I call you tomorrow?”
I wanted to ask who the hell was calling her at midnight, and why they were more important than me. But again, I kept the crazy on a tight leash. “Sure, g’night.”
“Hey, we’re okay, right?”
“Yeah, we’re good. Sweet dreams, beautiful.”
After we disconnected, I pulled up the picture of the two of us she’d sent to me.
I tapped on the icon for each of my social media accounts and changed my profile pic to the one of us.
My handlers would probably have something to say about that.
The previous pic had been professionally taken, one of me sitting on a stool with an acoustic guitar.
But if they challenged me, I’d push back.
I didn’t want to play games anymore. I wanted to send a clear message to Grace that I was serious about this relationship and I didn’t care who knew it.