Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Grace
I’d been waiting all day for the call from my sister, so when she finally called at midnight, I couldn’t wait to take her call.
“Was it positive, Codie? Are you pregnant?”
“It was! I took it three times, just to be sure. Can you believe it? I’m gonna be a mama!”
“Ohmigod!” I fell back on my bed, kicking my feet in the air. “Congratulations! I’m so excited for you guys. Have you told Mav yet?”
“No, I want to wait to tell him in person.”
“When are you gonna tell Mama?”
“I want to see the doctor first. I’ll try to book that appointment for tomorrow.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“You’re a doll, but you have to work. If I think I’ll need the moral support, I’ll ask Amanda to come with me. She’s off tomorrow.”
Amanda was a good friend and co-worker who had seen my sister through a lot of tough times, so I felt confident she would step up if Codie needed the support. “Sounds good. So, how do you feel about this? I know you guys weren’t really trying.”
“We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we weren’t trying not to either.”
My sister and Mav had decided not to stress about getting pregnant, but to leave it up to fate instead. They both wanted a family, but would have been fine waiting a year or two, if it didn’t happen right away.
“The fact that you guys didn’t stress about it, probably helped you to get pregnant sooner.”
“Yeah, and not being able to keep our hands off each other probably didn’t hurt either.”
I laughed, but the amusement was short-lived when I realized that could have described my situation with Taz too. “Um, let me ask you something, but please don’t freak out or lecture me, okay?”
“Uh oh, when you lead with that, I know I’m not gonna like it.”
Why did my loved ones always feel the need to protect me? I’d proven myself to be smart, level-headed, and responsible. Yet my sister, Mama, brother-in-law, and now Taz felt the need to shelter me.
“So, you know I’m on the pill. But one night Taz and I kind of forgot to use a condom.” I closed my eyes, preparing for my big sister’s tirade, but when it didn’t come, I continued, “And we haven’t used one since.”
She heaved a sigh. “You’re a big girl. I don’t have to lecture you about safe sex. Have you guys at least talked about the ramifications? You haven’t been with Taz long and you don’t know a lot about his sexual history, I’m guessing.”
“He swears he’s used a condom with every other woman he’s ever been with, except his daughter’s mama, when he was nineteen.”
“And you believe him?”
“Yes.” My sister may think I’m na?ve, but my gut told me Taz would never lie to me. If anything, he’d been painfully honest.
“Okay, but you don’t need me to tell you birth control pills aren’t one hundred percent, sis. Have you guys talked about what would happen if you got pregnant?”
I cringed. “Don’t even go there. Taz isn’t sure he ever wants to have kids… or get married.” My sister was silent so long, I thought I’d dropped the call. “Codie?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Just counting to ten, so I don’t say something stupid, and piss you off or make you defensive.”
Both my sister and I had been through years of therapy, so we knew all the tricks to diffuse a situation before it escalated. “I appreciate that, but it’s okay to let me have it. I can handle it.”
“If Taz feels that way, he needs to be a responsible man, and wrap it! He can’t think with his little head, only considering what feels good. He’s too damn old not to know the consequences of his actions.”
“Hey, it’s not all on him. It’s me too. If I’d freaked out after we forgot the first time, of course he would have continued to use them.”
I’d never been so protective of a man. Normally my sister could unleash on any man I’d dated in the past, or tell me the unvarnished truth about them, without me freaking out.
But that wasn’t the case with Taz. I was too quick to jump to his defense.
Maybe because I knew how much he beat up on himself, and didn’t want to hear anyone else piling on.
“If you say so. But how do you feel about him not wanting to get married or have kids? That’s always something you’ve wanted. And you’re willing to sacrifice that… for him?”
She made it sound ridiculous to sacrifice something so important for the man I loved, and maybe it was.
Perhaps, if our relationship evolved and I agreed to just live with him, without marriage or kids, I would become bitter and resentful.
But for now, I didn’t want to think too far ahead. I just wanted to enjoy being with him.
“I didn’t say that. We haven’t been together long enough to think that far into the future, sis. Although…”
“What?”
When I didn’t fill her in right away, she said, “Gracie, what are you not telling me?”
“He kind of asked me to move in with him.”
“Shut. Up!”
I knew she’d be as shocked as I was by his seemingly impulsive offer, but I wanted her take on it.
“Yeah, I was just talking about my student loans, and wanting to save up money for a house, so I could get out of this apartment. And he said I should move in with him. That he was going to be on the road a lot, and wanted me with him when he wasn’t. ”
“Hmm, I suspect it was more about wanting you there when he got home. And knowing where you were when he couldn’t be with you. Namely, in his bed.”
“You make him sound like a jealous, controlling, manipulative—”
“I didn’t say that, kid. Don’t put words in my mouth. I like Taz a lot. We’ve become friends, and I really think he’s one of the good guys.”
“But?”
“But I don’t want to see you waste time with a guy who doesn’t want the same things you do. Taz does have issues. How could he not, given the life he’s lived, right? He was in prison for twelve years. In gangs. He has a daughter he’s never even met. That would do a number on anyone.”
“I know.” I just didn’t want to admit how broken Taz might be, especially since he didn’t seem willing to get help.
“Honey, we all have our issues. But we’ve put in the time and effort to work through them.
If Taz just wants to gloss over them, pretend they never happened, or continue to beat himself up for them, that will eventually affect you and your relationship with him.
I don’t have to tell you, of all people, that. You’re the professional. You know.”
“So, what am I supposed to do, Codie? I can’t just give up on him. I’m already in too deep.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m… in love with him.” My sister knew I wasn’t playing around. She’d only heard me make that claim two other times in my life, and I hadn’t said it in years.
“And he feels the same way?”
“Yeah, he does.” I pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my head against my bed’s upholstered headboard. “I’m the first to admit, he’s jealous, insecure, scared, angry at himself, but I’m all of those things too, for different reasons.”
“Why are you angry at yourself?”
“For falling in love with someone like Taz. Someone who’s so…
lost.” I hated myself for admitting it, and wouldn’t have, to anyone other than my sister.
But I knew how important it was to speak my truth and get this stuff out.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s starting to find himself, through his music and—”
“You.”
“Pardon me?”
“He’s starting to find himself through you.”
She stated it so matter-of-factly, like it should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t.
“Having a girlfriend like you, an attractive professional who’s got it together, allows him to distance himself from the incarcerated gangbanger and deadbeat dad he used to be.
As long as he has you, he can see himself through your eyes, and project that image to the world.
An image of himself he likes a hell of a lot better. ”
I didn’t want that to be true, but my sister’s insight was usually spot on. I often trusted her to see things I couldn’t see, when I was too close to a situation to be objective.
“You think he’s using me?” My stomach pitched and roiled. God, I didn’t want that to be true.
“Not intentionally. But you know better than anyone, romantic relationships serve a purpose for all of us, sis. They can sometimes help to heal old wounds. Make us feel more secure. Give us the confidence to try new things and become better versions of ourselves. And I think Taz, without even realizing it, may be using his relationship with you to accomplish all of those things.”
“And you think once he does, once he has a relationship with his daughter again, and has all the confidence that comes with being a rich and famous musician, he’ll just cut me lose?”
“I can’t say that for sure, but you need to acknowledge it’s a possibility.”
She was right. It was more than a possibility. It was a probability, which meant I had to keep my guard up or risk being devastated when he left me.
I had a break at work, so I stopped by our favorite deli to pick up sandwiches for me and mama. I hadn’t visited her in a couple of weeks, and she’d called daily to make me feel guilty about being too busy for her.
I hadn’t told her about my relationship with Taz, but after my talk with Codie last night, I wasn’t even sure I should. I wouldn’t outright lie to her, if she asked whether I was seeing someone, but I wouldn’t volunteer it either.
“There’s my baby,” she said, wrapping me in her arms as she met me at the door. “I’ve missed you so much.”
I tried not to roll my eyes, but she didn’t make it easy. “Mama, we talk all the time. And it hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen you.”
She sniffed before closing the door. “Too long, if you ask me. Would it kill you to stop by for dinner once a week, just to make sure I’m still alive? Your sister is busy too, but she still stops by at least once a week. That’s all I ask. I’m not asking you to be here every day.”