Chapter 20 #2
“Have you told Grace the reason you broke up with her?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She already thinks I’m a coward. The truth would just reinforce that. Besides, she doesn’t want to hear from me. She’s already moved on.”
“She told you that?”
“No, I uh, saw a picture of her online, with some other guy.”
“Regardless of whether she’s moved on or not, do you think she might appreciate having answers? So, she could have closure?”
“Probably.” But did I have the guts to face her again, to tell her the truth? And would I make a fool of myself, and beg her to take me back, regardless of the consequences?
“With respect to your daughter, the same solution may be applicable. Tell her the truth: how you feel about Grace. How hard it’s been not having her in your life.”
“And if she doesn’t care?”
“Then you have some difficult decisions to make. And in our next session, we can talk about healthy boundaries, okay?”
I nodded, knowing I had a lot of work to do. But for the first time, I felt hopeful that I could finally begin to untangle the mess that was my mind.
I wanted to see Grace before I lost my nerve, and since it was the end of her workday, and I was already in the building, I decided to take a chance and swing by her office. My heart raced when I rounded the corner and saw her locking the door to her outer office.
“Grace.”
She looked up, her blue eyes wide, before she dropped the keys. “Damn it.”
I rushed forward, snagging the keys before she could. “Let me get those for you.” I handed them back to her, curling my hand around hers before she could withdraw.
She looked incredible, wearing a black wrap dress with large blue flowers decorating the hemline and sleeves.
The neckline was cut into a modest V and it hugged her curves in all the right places.
Her high heels made it possible for me to look into her eyes, and the pain I saw reflected there took my breath away.
I just wanted to hold her, explain, beg forgiveness.
“What are you doing here, Taz?”
“I actually had a session with your friend, Jasper. It helped.”
“I’m glad.”
She tried side-stepping me, but I blocked her path. I couldn’t let her go.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’m meeting a friend for dinner.”
I wanted to ask if it was the same guy I’d seen her with in the picture, but I knew I didn’t have the right to question her. “Can you just give me ten minutes? Please?”
“I don’t see why—”
“I owe you an explanation. You’re right, I was a coward the night we broke up. I didn’t have the guts to tell you the truth. But I want you to know, even if it’s just to give you closure. You deserve that.”
She sighed, before unlocking the door. “Fine, but just give me a minute to text my friend and let him know I’m running late.”
Him. That single word ricocheted through me like a bullet. “Sure.”
I walked around her office, taking in all the details that reflected her. It wasn’t cold and clinical like Jasper’s office. It was warm and inviting, with fresh flowers, bright cushions, and glossy magazines. An extension of her apartment, and her.
“Okay, I pushed back my dinner date,” she said, slipping her phone back into her over-sized purse before setting it down in an armchair in the waiting room. “So, talk.”
She was cold, almost indifferent. But I’d broken her heart, so I couldn’t expect warmth and understanding.
“I’ve missed you.” I knew it was probably stupid to lead with that, but I couldn’t help myself.
She curled her arms around her mid-section, protectively. “Ending things was your choice, Taz. Not mine.”
I drew a deep breath. “Actually, it wasn’t my choice. I didn’t think I had a choice.”
“I don’t understand.”
Grace was standing just a few feet away, but knowing I had no right to touch her, made it feel like she was on the other side of the world.
“Quinn called me while I was on tour. She asked me about you.”
“How did she know about me?”
“The profile pics on social media.”
Understanding lit her pretty blue eyes as she nodded. “Ah, so that’s why you took them down. Got it.”
I knew I had to cut to the chase, so I said, “She basically gave me an ultimatum. You or her.”
She opened her mouth before closing it and drawing a deep breath through her nose. “And you chose her. Of course you did, because she’s your daughter. I understand now. Thanks for clearing that up.”
She was already reaching for her keys and I panicked. “Wait! I made a mistake. I was an idiot for going along with what she wanted, and I intend to tell her that, first chance I get.”
“That may not be the best decision. Your relationship with her is still on shaky ground, I assume?”
I shrugged. “Don’t know that it’ll ever be solid, or that she even wants it to be. As long as she’s keeping me on my toes, she’s getting whatever she wants from me.” After my talk with Luc and Jasper, I was finally starting to get it. My daughter was using my guilt and shame to cash in.
“That’s your issue to work through,” she said, raising her hand. “I’m not your therapist, or even your girlfriend anymore.” Her expression softened. “I’m glad you’re seeing Jasper though. He’s excellent. And I’m sure he can help you get through this.”
“I can’t get over losing you though,” I said, taking a step forward. “And I don’t want to.”
“Please don’t do this.” She sighed. “This hasn’t been easy for me, either. In fact, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through.” She bit her lip, her eyes sliding down my chest. “I meant it when I said I was in love you, that what we had was special.”
“Then how can you be with someone else already?” I knew I had no right to ask, but it was eating me up inside, imagining another man in her bed.
“What are talking about?” When I didn’t respond right away, she said, “That dinner tonight, he’s just a friend. I’ve known him for years, and he’s married, with a daughter.” She stood a little straighter, her eyes meeting mine. “Not that I owe you an explanation.”
“What about that picture you posted online?” I thrust my hands into the pockets of my bomber jacket to keep from touching her, “Who was he?”
She closed her eyes. “My friend’s brother. I was at her birthday, hadn’t seen her brother in years, and he wanted a picture. Asked me to post it and tag him.” She shook her head. “I can’t even believe I’m explaining any of this to you. It’s none of your damn business!”
She turned her back, resting her hand on the counter-height L-shaped desk in her lobby.
I couldn’t resist the urge to get closer, to brush my lips against the side of her head, breathe her in. “You’re right. I forfeited the right to know anything about your life. But baby, you gotta know this is killing me. I don’t know how to let you go.”
“Well, you’re going to have to figure it out. Because it is over. It has to be.”
“Why?” I didn’t dare wrap my arms around her the way I wanted to. Or bury my face in her neck. But it was breaking me not to. “Why does it have to be over? I know I was an idiot. I’m sorry. But everyone makes mistakes and—”
“Your daughter doesn’t want me in your life. She’s already made that clear.”
“But I do want you in my life. I need you. Let me deal with Quinn.”
She finally turned around and we were standing so close her breasts were brushing my chest. But I refused to step back. I wanted her to face the visceral connection between us, because I knew it was like nothing she’d ever experience with another man.
“Why would I do that to myself?” She pressed her fingertips against her temple. “Why would I subject myself to life with a teenage girl who hates me and wants me out of her life?”
“Because,” I whispered. “You fell in love with her old man. And you want him as much as he wants you.”
She shook her head. “I’m a professional. I know how to control my emotions, and set healthy boundaries, so I don’t continue getting hurt.”
“I never meant to hurt you, baby. You gotta believe that.”
Her eyes lingered on mine for a few seconds before she said, “You may not have, but the outcome was still the same. I was… devastated.”
I hated knowing I’d hurt her, but if she didn’t love me so much, she could have let me go. And she clearly hadn’t. “You’re still in love with me.” I knew it was time to challenge her, because if I didn’t, I may never get the chance again.
She pinched her lips together, her eyes filling with tears. “Of course I do, you smug bastard. You don’t just fall out of love with someone like that.” She snapped her fingers. “But I think I hate you too. And that’s made it easier to sleep at night. And work, socialize, you know, have a life.”
“Hate me all you want, I deserve it. But let me be a part of your life again, Grace. Please.”
Shaking her head, she said, “I can’t. I’m sorry.” She rested her hand against my chest. “You’re not a bad guy. If you were, this would be a lot easier. And I take back what I said about you being a coward. It took a lot of courage for you to come here, and tell me the truth.”
I curled my hand around her wrist, my eyes pleading with her. “It’s not supposed to end like this. You and me, we’re not done. Can’t you feel that?”
“What I want doesn’t matter. When I met you, your only goal was to have your daughter in your life. And I refuse to get in the way of that.” Her eyes drifted to my mouth. “I can’t. I love you too much.”
“Can I at least kiss you… one more time?”
She shook her head, finally letting the tears glide down her cheeks. “No, because if you start, I won’t ever want you to stop.”